Bon Voyage - to a few things

I'm really getting annoyed with writing really good posts at night, in my head, while feeding and then not remembering them in the morning when I actually have a moment to blog.

Nic leaves for Vancouver, Canada today. I can't believe I will be home for one week, alone, with a 5 week old. The other catch is that my parents also fly out today, for Colorado. I'm stranded! What on earth are E and I going to do? We have a few "dates" lined up, but feel free to contact us to make additional plans! :) Really, I couldn't let Nic pass up this opportunity. How many times does your company work for the Olympics? He might not get out to the job site again (although, I think he will! Hopefully next time, E and I are with him!).

Thank you to everyone that contacted me after my last post. I really was at wits end regarding breastfeeding. Things are getting a little better. I still get frustrated because of Eleanor's latch and how much it hurts sometimes. However, for the most part we are showing signs of improvement and that's all I need to keep moving forward with feeding. Plus, with Nic home this morning before he leaves, I was able to pump after our morning feeding. 2 ounces! When Nic comes home, we are going to introduce the bottle. Any ounces will really help! Any break will greatly help me heal.

I'm pretty sure that Nic and I have finally made our daycare decision. We are on the waiting list for Grafton's Ozaukee Day Care and will be contacting Mequon's branch to make our first payment (then when Grafton has an opening, we'll transfer up there). ODC will cost us more than our home mortgage / month (well, almost). I'll probably have to start selling plasma or something. However, we both agree it's best for Eleanor. They have a great curriculum, we really like the teachers and the facilities. We'll still keep our options open. I'll always be on the look out for Mary Poppins. However, until the wind blows her my way, at least we have a plan for me to go back to work. We'll see if I change my mind...

More on the girls...

I hate breastfeeding. (If that comment was enough for you, don't read on. I need to vent about this for a minute. If you blush reading about the girls...check back later for a different post!)

OK, so that's a pretty bold comment. I extremely dislike it. Mother and child snuggled together, enjoying one of life's beautiful moments, baby feeding until full and then falling asleep....not the way it works in the Terrones house. I am SO sore that I actually dread feeding her. I dread that cry that says "Mom, I'm hungry, feed me".

Friday I met with a lactation consultant for the third time since little E's birth. I went back to Columbia Center and met with Diane. I met with the big gun - Diane is a IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). It's like confessing your sins to the Pope. You don't get much higher!

Diane had some great advice. She showed me how to change my hold a little bit, how to angle myself, what to listen for, etc. E and I had a great feeding at the Columbia Center. It wasn't too painful and I didn't feel bad after. I was excited to feed that night because I wanted to try my new skills.

Sure enough, Friday night E and I were back to our old habits. In a nut shell, she has a shallow latch, which means she isn't getting milk as fast as she would like, probably isn't getting as much as she would like and she is hurting me. It's like a battle at the breast every 3 hours. Eleanor doesn't have the control over her own head that is needed for breastfeeding, so I have to play chase with my nipple and her mouth. Just as she opens wide, I have to push her forward so she "latches" on nice and deep. But I feel so awkward so when I see her open wide, I feel like I don't get her moved forward soon enough. Then it's a shallow latch and I need to take her off and try again. It's just not the effortless dance it should be.

I don't want to give up. I want to do this. But it's so hard and it hurts so much. But I have it in my head that breastfeeding is the only way. I have it in my head that E has done her part, I need to do mine. She isn't quitting, so why do I feel like I can just say - no more. What kind of mother am I if I just say, I can't do this anymore? Breastfeeding is better, best, right? And doesn't my daughter deserve the best? I mean, I CAN breastfeed, it's just hard, stressful and painful. I know she feels this.

And what about me? I gave her my body for 9 months. She did what she wanted (well, OK, some of the weight gain was my fault - hot fudge sundaes and candy bars) do I have to continue sacrificing my body for her? Am I really supposed to be in this much pain and discomfort? Is that "proving" my love for her? Does she even care? Does she even enjoy feeding either? If I am all tense and nervous and feel like I'm going to puke each time she starts sucking, how happy is she?

Once I make my decision, it should be easy. Right now, I can't say for sure I want to quit or I want to continue. I feel like once I am at peace with my decision, I'll know. It's just hard because right now I feel like it's what I HAVE to do. That I'm only a good mother if I continue to breastfeed. I don't want to beat myself up about this so much. I don't want to be so hard on myself, but I just can't make a decision. That or I know what I want my decision to be, I just have guilt about it.

But why - why do I feel like the world will stop spinning if I decide to quit? Because that's just it - I'm quitting. It's not the my milk didn't come in. It's not that she isn't gaining weight. It's not that SHE can't breastfeed. It's that I'm saying this hurts to much. It's that I'm giving up. I'll feel like a failure because I'm making the choice. The other mothers I know that formula fed didn't have a choice. AND that's another thing. I don't think the mothers I know that formula fed are bad mothers. I think the children I know that were formula fed are wonderful children. My own sister formula fed my first nephew (and although I can't pick favorites, he was my FIRST nephew and so he holds a super special place in my heart). First nephew is incredibly talented, smart, athletic and healthy. And as my sister said on Saturday, as we watched Collin box like a maniac on wii - Your daughter can box like that too if she is formula fed. (Meaning, she'll turn out just fine).

SO WHY AM I BEING SO HARD ON MYSELF! Why am I beating myself up over this? Please, help me with an answer! argh! I just want to decide, be OK with my decision and move on...

Will all parenting decisions be this difficult?

I may have it figured out...

One of my problems is that I need a schedule. I function on routine. I panic is chaos. OK, so most people are like this, I understand. But sometimes I think I might be the extreme.

So why do I bring this up? I think it's the one thing I'm having a hard time adjusting to. Eleanor throws schedules out the window. We live minute to minute. Sometimes, I need to sleep in the middle of the afternoon because I'm not sleeping in the middle of the night. Sometimes, my kitchen isn't sparkling clean because holding Eleanor is more important. Sometimes, our biggest afternoon plans are staring into each other's eyes, getting to know each other and falling deeper in love.

I'm pretty sure someone told me it would be this way, but like so many things about my pregnancy and postpartum, I was not listening.

They say sleep when your baby sleeps...but what about showering? What about eating? When am I supposed to do those things?

Nic's done with chemo. He rocked through those 21 days. However, he has a cold and what would probably have been a few days of sniffles, has turned into a full blown cold. I think he is so run down and tired, it is taking so much more out of him. He came home from work early today so he could rest. He told me he didn't need to sleep, just relax, do nothing. So I gave him Eleanor and took a 20 minute shower. It was heaven! Who would have thought a long, uninterrupted shower could be so glorious.

Motherhood is an adjustment. I'll say that. Each day is a new adventure. Each day she teaches me something new. Each day I love her more than I did the day before. So we don't have a schedule. I'm learning to be OK with that. I cherish the quiet moments we have alone in the afternoon. I'm learning that it is OK if that is the only thing on our itinerary for the day. Because before I know it, I'll be back at work. Before I know it, she'll be 2 months, 2 years, and I'll wish for all this time back.

I think the definition of "Super Mom" should change. It's not the woman that can come back from a delivery and have a clean house, a clean self (hair and make-up done) and dinner in the oven. It's the woman that can be OK with letting her hair air dry, put pajamas back on after a shower and sit on the couch watching her newborn grow up in front of her very eyes.

A math lesson - 2/3 and 8008

Last night, Nic asked me what I think about while I'm feeding Eleanor. Typically, I sit and stare out the window and try to figure out the most recent episode of LOST. Otherwise, I sit and draft blog entries that I never get around to writing. You should read some of them - they are really good ;)

Well, for those of you that are keeping track of our 21 day "adventure", last Tuesday was day 14 which means we are 2/3 done with chemo. Last night Nic said the chemo was starting to effect him. His tummy hurt and he was feeling tired. He then proceeded to finish cooking dinner and get Emma ready for bed (to name a few of his tasks). I'm confused - when my tummy hurts and I'm tired - I sit down and REST!

Nic said he doesn't read my blog because he thinks I talk him up too much. While it is true, I like to brag, I only give credit where credit is due. And although my husband is amazing in so many ways, his one fault is that he can't take a compliment.

I mean really. Can you imagine? 21 days of chemo. He's basically poisoning his body each night. I know it's your prayers and support that are getting him through this, but, wow, I will never underestimate the power of prayer. Nic is doing amazing and I have a really good feeling about this treatment plan. Not in the "I'm his wife and love him" sort of blindness....I just really have a good feeling.

Taking a dramatic turn to other subjects....8008. If you type this into your calculator and flip it upside down it says (well, actually, you don't have to flip it upside down) "Boob". 55378008 flipped upside down says "Boobless". As a grade school student, this would create entertainment and numerous chuckles from myself and my classmates. We would blush with embarrassment. We could make our calculator say Boob.

Now, almost 20 years later, I find it hilarious just how many people I will talk to about my boobs. In fact, my sister will actually call me for a boob update. I had a nurse from the department of health come to my house, just to talk about boobs. Breastfeeding is an amazing thing. Parenting, I think especially for mothers, eliminates any reserve you once had. You find yourself a part of a new club - The mother club. Things like sore nipples and pregnancy details no long cause embarrassment. It's crazy.

By the way 7734 flipped upside down spells "hell" and I have to admit....sometimes, when I am up at 3 AM, for the 3rd time that night, that is exactly where I feel like I am. My life has come down to two functions. To feed and to put to sleep. Seriously, that's all I do! But look at her...gosh is she worth it!

I'm so confused!

I sit in bed at night (well, actually, in a glider rocking chair) and I can think of a million things I need to say. A million stories I need to share. A million thoughts I've had.

The day comes and goes. I finally have a moment to blog and my mind is empty!

My days pass in a haze. I feed, I put to sleep, rinse and repeat. I don't mind the complete dependency on me; it just makes life pass by in a blur.

I'm hoping that some day soon I start to feel "normal" again. I had a lot of plans for my maternity leave. OK, so the bathroom might not get painted, but I haven't balanced my check book since I had the baby! And, of course, the main task at hand...I really need to find child care. Staying home isn't an option. Financially and mentally. I really love my job and my career, but I cry at the thought of leaving her. We've been separated for 1 hour at the most and when I see her again, it's like seeing her for the first time. But for some reason, I'm just not taking the steps to start looking.

I hear my "alarm" going off. Nic loves spending time with her in the evening after work, but there is just one thing he can't do.

Moo.

LOST

So, welcome to my new life... blogging one handed because I have to hold Eleanor with my other arm! Entries in 2009 might be a little shorter than those in the past.

Saturday night Nic and I decided to finally finish LOST Season 2. Eleanor had been sleeping for awhile, so we thought it was our one chance (note to self - sleeping child does not mean stay up until 10 watching Lost. It means - GO TO BED! But that's an entirely different story!) It was time to feed Eleanor so Nic went upstairs to change her. I heard him calling my name...."What happened to Eleanor's belly button?" Sure enough - her umbilical cord "stump" was gone! "Nic, find it!" I shrieked! Eleanor was shrieking at this point too! She was well past feeding time (one minute is a minute to late according to Eleanor). Nic and I were still going back and forth about where the "stump" was! Finally, Nic convinces me to feed her. We'll look for it after she is full.

Now, I have been more emotional post partum than I ever was pregnant. Eleanor's umbilical cord falling off is a huge milestone in my book. That one thing that connected us for almost 9 months. The one part of the "us" that used to be. I thought people saved it (I know - Gross) but how could I just throw away part of my daughter? My sister finally convinced me on New Year's Eve that I was not allowed to scrapbook Eleanor's umbilical cord stump and I would need to throw it away like every other mother out there. So it wasn't that I was going to SAVE the umbilical cord...but come on - where was it? I couldn't just have it "floating" around somewhere!

Finally, after feeding, I started to derobe Eleanor. There, under her onesie, was the umbilical cord. Nic freaked out a little when I casually picked it up. Eleanor kind of giggled and I started bawling. Nic grabbed a tissue and had me put the cord in it. And just like that, my little girl is all grown up. No more umbilical cord. Just a belly button like every grown up out there.

Don't worry. It's not floating around our house and I won't save it for her scrapbook.

The REAL Baby Story

Remember - Reader Discretion...it's not THAT detailed, but don't say I didn't warn you....

On Monday, December 22nd, Dr. C told us that we were barely dilated and that we would think about induction on January 2nd or 5th. It didn't look like Baby T was coming any time soon! I was bummed.

And so I started Maternity Leave, without a baby...On Tuesday, December 23rd, Nic and I went to his parent's house as we were supposed to head to Madison for our post-surgery follow-up. It was so snowy! We loaded into the Terrones' vehicle and headed toward Madison at top speeds of 5 - 10 miles per hour. At this point, I THINK I'm having a contraction, but won't say anything, because I am going to Madison. If I tell Nic, he'll make me stay home. As it turns out, I-94 West bound is stopped to clean up an accident. We'll never make it. We'll never make it safely. Nic calls his doctor and cancels. It's a bummer because his stitches and staples are starting to bother him and we were all ready for our next steps. A part of me was a little relieved...am I in labor? We went to Conejito's for lunch instead. I added a little extra hot sauce to my tostada...they say spicy foods put you in labor and by now, I'm getting desperate. She was supposed to come for Christmas! Nic and I got home around 1 PM and decided that a nap would be a really great idea. When I woke up, I kept complaining about a stomach ache, but it would come and go, so I kind of ignored it. We had a LOST marathon until 11 pm. A few times I thought...are these contractions? But I had no idea what I was waiting for or should be feeling and I didn't want to get my hopes up. I heard so much about false labor.

We crawled into bed. Nic told me he didn't think he would be able to fall asleep, but two seconds later, he was snoring. At this point, I hadn't really told Nic that I thought I was in labor. I didn't want to jinx it. What if it really wasn't labor? I ended up crawling into Emma's bed around midnight. My stomach would hurt so bad sometimes, I couldn't get comfortable and I couldn't sleep. I decided if it continued, I would wake Nic up at 1 AM. Finally at 2, I crawled into bed. "Nic, I think I'm in labor". We started timing contractions, but again, it was hard to tell when a "contraction" ended and when one started. I didn't know what a "contraction" was or if it really was a contraction. They averaged 5 - 7 minutes apart. For two hours we did this! Nic slept in between and I nudged him when one started.

At 4 AM I call the Aurora Nurseline. They ask me to hold on for another 45 minutes. They really want contractions to be 3 minutes apart. No use in dragging us out of bed and to the hospital for a false alarm. By now I have told myself this is what it is - a false alarm and I have wasted a night of sleep for nothing. The contractions are now about 4 - 5 minutes apart. The nurse calls back at 5 AM to see how things are going. She says another storm is headed our way and if I would feel better, we could go into the hospital; she would make the call. Nic and I load the car. I start getting nervous with anticipation - is this it? The roads are bad, but it's not snowing yet. We go right into our room. The night nurse comes in and does a check. We are 2 cm dilated and 70% effaced. I told her we were 0 cm on Monday. Congratulations, she says, you are being admitted - LET'S HAVE A BABY!!

A 6 AM we call our parents. Merry Christmas Eve - Guess where we are! No one can believe it. My mom started crying. I love you, she said. Now that I have my own baby girl, I understand that flood of emotion my mother experienced.

At 7:30 AM, Dr. Coulter came to check on us. We were now 3 cm dilated a 90% effaced. I forget what station - maybe 0? My water still was in tact so she decided to manually rupture it. I was afraid it would hurt, but it wasn't bad. Almost a relief. I felt a large gushing feeling - a very warm sensation. Dr. C told us that first labors can last awhile. We should expect to dilate 1 cm every hour. She was working until noon because it was a holiday and she probably wouldn't be able to deliver us. My contractions were every 3 minutes and getting very intense.

Around 9 ish, the day nurse came in. We were already 4.5 cm and moving fast. Contractions were getting longer and closer together. Much harder. The RN - Judy - asked if I was sure I didn't want anything. No epidural, I kept saying. She told me I looked uncomfortable (I WAS!). She said just breathe through them. They really wanted me to stay hooked up to the HB monitor so I couldn't get up and walk around. Nic did great. Reminding me to deep breath, relax. I just tried to listen to him and focus on his words. I wanted to strangle him and say "YOU DEEP BREATHE THROUGH THIS!", but I knew that wouldn't help and what he was saying was right. We watched TV and watched it snow.

Around 10 things start to get a little blurry. My contractions are off the chart. I need to lay down during contractions so they can see the baby's HB. I kept giving Nic my hand, "Pull me up" "I need to sit up" but he really tried to get me to stay laying. I didn't know this at the time, but I think the realized the baby was in a little distress. I tell Nic that I'm starting to think about getting some pain meds. It's getting harder to breathe and I feel sick to my stomach. During each contraction I tell Nic I think I'm going to throw up. I also started to feel like I had to go to the bathroom, like I had to "poop". I didn't know which way to push, down to relieve that feeling, or up to throw up.

"BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES" I finally cried at about 11 AM and Nic paged the nurse. They gave me some pain meds in my IV. I could still feel everything, but in between contractions I would basically fall back and drift in and out of conscienceness. Nic mentions to the RN that I keep saying I have to go to the bathroom. OH! She says, she checks and I am over 8 cm dilated. That feeling of needing to poop means I'm ready to push - for the baby! Time to call Dr. Windsor. She is at the Good Hope Clinic and there is a blizzard outside. It may take her awhile to get to the hospital.

The pain at this point is crazy intense. I make the decision that I am going to start pushing, Dr. or not. RN Judy calls Dr. Windsor and she says it's OK, because first labors take a long time. RN Judy and Nic grab my legs. I inhale, exhale and SCREAM!!!!!!! Nope, not the right way to push. "Hold your breath and bear down," RN Judy instructs. One, two, three .....SCREAM!!!!!! "Hmmmm, let's try a break." Finally I get the pushing thing down. It feels SO good to push during the contractions. It gives me some temporary relief. I hear some commotion. Common to the rest of the day, things are going a little faster than planned. "Where is that doctor! She needs to get here soon!" I hear someone say. RN Judy is trying to call every nurse possible. They are having problems getting the baby's HB and need to use an internal HB monitor.

I try to sit during contractions and lay in an altered state in between. I barely notice anything now, except the pain. Nurses are coming in and out of the room. Where is that doctor! I'm rolled on my side and told I can't push anymore and I need to pant through it. Yeah - right!

Finally, Dr. W shows up. She leaves again to change. If I had any control of my body, I would have run after her - Get this baby OUT! NOW! Finally we are ready. I barely hear the doctor ask me how I feel about an Episiotomy (cutting of the tissue between the vaginal opening and the anus) Whatever, just get this baby OUT! I've been given an oxygen mask at some point, I'm not sure when. Dr. grabs for the scissors and for the first time, Nic has to look away.

One big push and there is a head. The umbilical cord is wrapped around my baby girl's neck - twice and in a knot! We need to go fast now. 1 more big push and there is a shoulder. Push again. I decide I'm done pushing. I quit. I can't do this. I feel someone by my head, petting my hair, telling me it's OK. Nic is holding my leg, counting my 10 second pushes...who is it? Nic later told me this was a nurse. I really think it was the angel of death, coming to take me away. One big push, another shoulder. About 30 - 40 minutes of pushing, in all. Then....at 12:42 PM I felt the baby being pulled all the way out. Over the tops of my knees I saw her for the first time.

Most amazing moment ever.

That little thing that has been living with me for 9 months. The little kicks, bounces, hiccups. There in front of my eyes. Pink skin. Dark hair. I was in love. I started crying and shaking uncontrollably. They took her from me right away. They needed to make sure everything was OK given the condition she was born in. I looked at Nic (he says with the saddest face ever), where are they taking my baby? Nic couldn't cut the cord because it was wrapped her neck, but finally we heard her. A shriek of a cry. All was OK. Nic was amazing - he kept wiping my head with a cool rag and taking pictures of our little one.

Dr. W was sewing me up and I hear them say our little girl is 8 lbs and 9 oz. She scored a 9 (out of 10) on her APGAR test (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apgar_score). She is perfect. She gets a brief clean up and brought over to Nic and I.

"Hello, Eleanor Frances", Nic said. "Is that it? Is that her name? Are we sure?" I kept asking. I was still crying and shaking. Nic kissed me on the forehead "I'm sure." and we both just stare at our baby. Suddenly, nothing else mattered in the world. The last moments of agony. The months of swollen hands (I still can't wear my wedding ring) and stupid comments. Every minute of it worth it.

My life hasn't been the same since. Nic was staring at her yesterday and just let out a sigh, "God, I love her" and that really is all there is to it...

I'm Back!

Wow! It's been awhile! I have SO much to say! It's been so long, everyone has probably given up on my blog. My 100's and 1,000's of readers has probably been diminished to 1 or 2 (Hi Jason!)


But I'm back!


First of all - as you all know, Nicolas and I introduced Eleanor Frances Terrones into the world at 12:42 PM on Christmas Eve. I will share the entire birth story as I believe it was the most magical, memorable day of my life. If you choose to read it, great. If you would rather skip the details on how Eleanor entered the world, I understand that too! Don't worry, the details can't be read here, I'll post under a different title and give full reader discretion. Being a mother is wonderful. I can not get over my immediate love for her!


Second of all - Nic went to Madison on Tuesday. The overall diagnosis is good. Nic's Oncologist (or one of the other doctor's) really believes this tumor was the same as the previous two tumors. He feels that previous treatment options were unsuccessful. The Pathologist thinks a little differently. He is classifying this tumor with a higher grade, thus meaning he feels it is a different tumor. So while those two duke it out a little, additional tests have been ordered on the first and second tumors (see, this is why you should never throw things away!) Nic's Oncologist feels that the chemo plan we went with last time was unsuccessful. The plan was 5 days of Temodar (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-17512-Temodar+Oral.aspx?drugid=17512&drugname=Temodar+Oral) and about 21 days off. He feels that during the chemo, the cancer started to go away, but 21 days was to many days in between treatment and the cancer would start to come back. The next 5 days of treatment would just be used to treat what came back in the 21 days. So why did we go 3 years without anything showing up on an MRI? The cancer was reduced to microscopic cancer cells, pretty much undetectable with the MRI. Dr. Robinson is much more confident of the new treatment plan which is 21 days of Chemo.

21 long days of chemo. I could watch my husband go through brain surgery. The minute after surgery, was a minute of recovery. Not chemo. Each day, we just go deeper and deeper into Chemo's poison. I appreciate the poison. I know it's helping Nic and that is all that matters, but I just hate watching Nic go through this. If I could do one thing to help, one anything, I would do it. But for now, the only thing I can really do is make pancakes when he requests them (Chemo really takes away his appetite, so whatever Nic is actually hungry for - we'll eat!) I stay positive because that is what Nic taught me. Nic's Temodar is taken in pill format. He can take it at night, before he goes to bed and hopefully sleep through most of the nausea. He's still at home with Eleanor and I and we will take care of him and make him better.

I promise to keep you all posted with this journey we have been sent on. Again I say, your prayers and well wishes are what have guided us when we were lost or too tired to carry on alone. Your prayers gave us a successful surgery and, with your continued prayers, we will receive good news on February 3 when we make that all to familiar trip to Madison.

I hope you all had a safe New Year's Eve and that 2009 will be a year of health, happiness and new opportunities for you and your loved ones!

Happy New Year - Love The Terrones'