2012: A Year in Review

If 2011 kept me on my toes - 2012 didn't leave me much chance to catch my breath.

2012 was still filled with grief.  Eleanor and I had survived our first holiday season without Nic.  Some moments proved to be more comical than others: We purchased our own tree and hung our lights to our house with a staple gun.  We continued to learn.  To put one foot in front of the other. 

We celebrated Nic's birthday and we honored many other anniversaries throughout the year.  One of the most trying anniversaries was the one-year anniversary of Nic's passing.   It was a time for reflection though.  We had made it.  We could make it.  We could do it.  Day after day...we could do it. 

And as we were living our life, a strange little thing happened.  A little thing that started little...and evolved.  Evolved into a new love. When you least expected. Where you least expected. 

Andy and I began to spend more and more time together.  Then, we started spending time with each other and Eleanor.  And in June of 2012, Andy and I were engaged. 

In July, Eleanor and I put our Keith Lane house on the market and 2 hours later it was off the market! 

In August, Eleanor and I moved in my parents...and my "stuff" went to Andy's.

The last week in August, Eleanor and I moved to New Berlin. And Eleanor started "3K" in her new school.  Eleanor loves school and we are enjoying watching her learn!  I often joke about how she's Harvard-bound because I'm just so amazed at the things she has learned. 

We spent weeks combining two fully-functioning households into one.  I mean - no one needs 4 gliders!  3 coffee pots!  5 sets of dishes (Andy likes to remind me that we still have 4)! 5 beds!
I think it's safe to say that our house is now a home.

The wedding date has been set for September 7, 2013.  Every now and again, I even plan a detail or two for the wedding. 

We've even had some time to vacation this year - Andy's made a few trips to Vegas, I spent time in Alabama for my sister-in-law's wedding and we'll end the year together in Florida. 

My goodness...if 2013 is ANYTHING like 2011 or 2012...we'll hold on tight!  I'm kinda hoping things just slow down a bit and we can just enjoy...life.

Andy, Eleanor and I consider ourselves extremely lucky and extremely blessed.  And hope for the same blessings for you and your family.  We hope you come back to this site often to read about our journey through life.  And we hope to hear about your journeys as well. 

Merry Christmas.  Happy New Year!

Paralysis

Andy is working on the finishing touches of our Christmas card. 
I'm supposed to be working on our "Year in Review" for the blog.
And I can't think.
I can't write.

Because when I open my internet explorer I'm faced with the horror all over again.
And now the horror has a name, an age....a face.
Beautiful.  Sweet.  Innocent little children. 
Murdered. 
And as the nation is grieving, across the country another gunman is open firing in a mall parking lot.

What the hell?

I'm having a hard time comprehending what the f is going on around here. 

How the hell am I supposed to just act like it's all OK.

Today we had the most wonderful homily.  I almost felt OK with things.  I almost felt the blood beginning to flow again. 

I've been asking Andy what we are supposed to do.  What is really going to come of us?  What are we really going to do?

And our priest actually answered that question for us today.  What are we going to do? 
We are going to love.  We are going to be understanding.  We are going to be compassionate. 
We are going to be Christ-like.  We need to emanate our faith.

We need to be what we want others to be. 

And I'm trying.  I'm trying to be the better person. 
But I'm sad.
And I'm scared.
And I'm scared for Eleanor. The world she is going to grow up in. 
The world she is going to get. 

I don't know.  Evil has been around forever.  Wars.  Death.  Destruction.  I mean....I could list horrible occurrences of death in our past.  It was all senseless.  And I guess, just because I'm living it doesn't make it anymore senseless then when my parents, parents, parent's had to live it. 

And I know.  We can't let evil win.
I won't let evil win.
I'm going to kiss my fiancé.
I'm going to kiss my baby girl.
I'm going to hold them close.
And...I guess...I'm just going to try...whatever that means. 

Life...and Death

It's funny, just how quickly life reminds us that it is in charge. 
Just how quickly we are reminded that life is too short. 

This afternoon, Eleanor and I came home from work.
Some body's having a party!  Eleanor announced. 
Our street was lined with cars. 
One was kinda blocking our driveway.
And because I'm a crappy driver...I was a little annoyed. 

When we walked in the door, Andy announced that he thought something was wrong at Dennis and Mary Jo's. 
We started talking and planning our night and getting involved in our life. 
Andy got a phone call.
He ignored it.
After my story and my inspection of my new Kate Spade purse, he checked his messages. 

His neighbor...our neighbor...'s daughter...3 years older than Andy...had died. 
Andy's sister had been friends with Katie.  Melissa was the one that called to tell us. 

My first thought, when I heard this news, was what can I do?  I need to do something.  What can I do?
Cook. 
That's what I need to do. 
All those people at that house - they need to eat.
Because when someone dies - you cook.
When someone dies - you eat. 
Right?

When we learned that our neighbors experienced sudden, unexpected death, I wanted to cook more.
I wanted to do more.
I wanted to run over, hug someone, say "I'm so sorry" because I don't know what else to say, and offer some wine and cookies and casseroles.

Funny.

When Nicolas died, people came over and hugged me.
People said, "I'm sorry".
People asked, "How are you doing?"
People cooked.
And cooked.
And cooked.
We put casseroles and wine in snowbanks!

And now.  Here I am.
On the other side. 
I'm the expert - right?
I know exactly what to do - right?
And what am I doing?
Cooking casseroles. Giving hugs.
What else do you do?

You want to comfort.  And you want to pull the people you love close to you.
To give hugs.
To make sure they know you love them.

I'm just in a weird place right now.
And I just can't believe how much this sudden news is affecting me.

So hug someone tonight. Tell them you love them.
Don't hold a grudge.  Don't allow negative people to control you.
And for the love of your family - plan your estate!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas at the Bach house!  The day after Thanksgiving, in fact!  Christmas...all over the house!

 I wouldn't exactly say our Nativity scene is up...there are a few Squinkies living in the manager and the rest of the "village folk" have been lined up on the piano ever since.

 The tree is up - Andy has learned that although I complain, a lot, about putting the lights on and fluffing the branches...listening to me complain is better than trying to do it himself...only to have me try and redo them all (I have a VERY particular method of winding lights up and down every branch).  Call it OCD...or whatever!  We even managed to get almost all of our ornaments on the tree - sorry, mom...but a few of the Barbie ornaments staid in the box this year. 

 And thanks to Pinterest, be prepared to see a lot of pictures of my Christmas tree - I'm going to learn how to perfect the picture!

And...in case you have found this to be a fairly pointless post - I have to admit - My desktop crashed the other day and I am typing on my new laptop.  It's a hard transition from desktop to laptop...so I just wanted to play around with it.

But admit it - You are excited to see that we are decorating for Christmas.
And the kid is pretty darn cute!

Oh - and for what it's worth - Can you believe the New Berlin parade only has 2 firetrucks in the Christmas parade?  If you're from Cedarburg...you'll appreciate that comment!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving.
Can you believe it?  Thanksgiving.

Did you count your  blessings today? 

It's unfair...but I almost feel like I can't even begin to count my blessings.  They are too great!

All day, I've read the "sappy" Facebook posts...and now...here's my chance.

Above all else and more than anything else in the world, I am thankful for love. 
The love of family.

The first person I think of is Eleanor. 
That little person that can light up my life. 
That got me out of bed.
That, on some nights, puts me in bed.
She exhausts me.
Good.
Bad.
Indifferent.
She is my life.
She is amazing.

And just as I'm thinking of Eleanor, I think of Andy.
Oh, that man.
He's not only dealing with one crazy woman in his house...
but two.
Typing his name puts a smile on my face and yet I can't describe it.
He is my light.
My guiding light.
He challenges me.
He accepts me.
I'm going to be his wife.
I'm lucky enough to be his wife.

And then there is my family.
The blood and breath of who I am.
Who made me.
Who carried me.

And then there is the family I married into.
That could have left me.
And we are learning how it will all work.
But it will all work.
And they are family.
And I love them - I love you!

And the furture family.
We are learning each other...
but one thing was quickly learned.
we are family.
we have each other's back.
That's what family is.

Do you know some people don't have an ounce of what I have?
I've seen hell.
I've been there. 
Maybe you have too.
But I have something that not everyone has. 
LOVE.
True
and utter love. 

And for that...I just can't measure.  I just can't express my gratitude. 
And I'm serious about that.

I.
Am.
Lucky.

Parent/Teacher Conferences

As it turns out, parent/teacher conferences for 3K are not very exciting.

If you know my daughter AT ALL...you can probably predict how the conference went. 

Eleanor is a joy to have in class.
Eleanor listens well.
Eleanor helps pick up.
Eleanor can recognize letters, colors, shapes, sizes.
Eleanor has an extensive vocabulary.
Eleanor needs a little help holding a pencil/marker/crayon correctly.
Eleanor needs help handling a scissors and cutting.
Eleanor needs to control her temper.
Eleanor needs to learn to use her words when she is upset.
Eleanor needs to learn to not immediately turn to tears when she is frustrated.

Stop me if I've said anything surprising!
That being said, it was still fun to hear Eleanor's teachers talk about Eleanor's progress and to ask them questions.  To hear some of the stories that happen in class. To share some laughs. 

Transitioning Eleanor from her daycare that she loved and adored into a brand new daycare with new teachers and new kids was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I spent nights crying as I feared she wasn't adjusting well.  But she HAS adjusted.  And she has grown - SO much.  She recognizes a letter and I feel like she just got accepted into college.  She spells her name and I feel like she wrote a novel!  It has been so much fun to watch her learn. 

And it was great to receive that confirmation that she has adjusted.  Through everything. She's handled life.  For both Andy and I to hear someone say, Guess what - your kid...she's just totally normal. 

After our first successful parent teacher conference - Andy and I went out to celebrate.  A little toast to surviving our first conference and to the years and years of conferences ahead of us.  We went to 8-12.  The food was great - the drinks were great...but...I gotta be honest - I wasn't totally impressed or socks knocked off.  But I'm glad we tried it.

So, this morning, Eleanor got up, we talked to her about her conference.  What her teachers said.  And then Andy and I laughed.  Parenting.  It's so funny.  I've watched my parents to do it for years.  And now I'm doing it.  I don't really know what I'm doing...but I'm just doing what I think I should be doing. 

And then having a cocktail to celebrate!

Kids Say the Darnest Things!

This morning Eleanor was in the kitchen, eating breakfast.
I was in the kitchen making my lunch.
Andy was sitting at the kitchen table admiring our new yard (we cut down a substantial amount of trees yesterday!)

I was talking to Andy about a woman from church that has a little girl the same age as Eleanor.  This little girl will be going to 4K at our church next year. 

Somehow, Eleanor picked up on this conversation and said, "And I'll go to (insert her school name here) for one more year?  My school has a 4K classroom."

I told her she was right - one more year at daycare and then she'd go to school.

A new school?  She questioned.  And then we'll have a baby?!

I nearly spit out my coffee.  "What?"
In one more year, when I go to 4K, then we can have a baby. 
I looked at Andy.  We looked at Eleanor.
Ummmm. I started....I'm not really sure I can promise that. 

Eleanor was less then convinced.  She told Andy and I all about how we were going to have a baby girl.  The baby girl was going to sleep in her room with her.  I asked Eleanor if she thought the baby should have her own room. Hmmmm, Eleanor thought.  Well, then we'd need a crib.  BUT, she decided, the crib could go in her room too!

Then Eleanor had an even better idea.  Me, Eleanor AND the baby girl could all sleep in the same room together.  Because girls sleep together. 

What if we have a boy baby?  I asked Eleanor.

Nope.  We are going to have a girl.  Then she paused.  Wait - I have a good idea!  After we have a girl baby, we can have a boy baby and the boy baby can sleep with Andy.

OK, now I lost it.  Eleanor!  Mom really isn't sure about any of this.  1 baby.  2 babies.  I just don't know.  And we REALLY don't need to worry about this right now. 

Eleanor looked at me.  Rolled her eyes and gave me the "Well, Mo-om!"

Eleanor also told Andy and I that the baby would HAVE to sleep in her room because when the baby cried, she would need to take care of it.

In between stifled laughs, Andy and I agreed that we should have been videotaping the conversation.

So that is our life - foretold by a 3 year old. 
3K
4K
then baby - you heard it here first...

Dream Journal

I had a dream the other night that I was dating this guy.

Which is kind of funny, because I didn’t really even know his name.
And it's even funnier that I have a picture with him…given that he is a Green Bay Packer and everything.
And that this picture is over 1 year old.

And before anyone gets all excited – it wasn’t THAT kind of dream. 

Rather innocent.
Pretty G rated. 
But the reality is, I did have this dream.  And it was so clear and so vivid, I could remember every detail of it the next morning.
And if it wasn’t so unrealistic (I mean...I'm engaged - I can't just be runnin' around with Packers!), I would laid there in bed, questioning, “Am I dating a Green Bay Packer?”

That’s the funny thing about dreams.

Every now and again, they cross that strange line. 
And it gets kind of blurry.
Did that happen?
Or was it a dream?

The other morning, Eleanor crawled into bed with Andy and I.

“Guess who was in my dream?” she asked us –a game we play fairly regularly.
“Daddy Nic. And then I got out of bed and we sat on the couch and sang songs.
And then he tucked me back into bed and kissed me good night.

And then do you know what he did, Momma? 

He came upstairs and tucked you in.  And gave you kisses.
And he tucked in Andy, too.
And then he went back up to heaven."

The she asked to watch TV.  Leaving me...once again...speechless.

And while I can confirm, with 100% certainty, that I was not dating a Green Bay Packer the other night, there was a part of me, that because of the clarity that dream presented, questioned the reality.

And Eleanor…in her 3 year old bliss…just disregards that clarity.

And for one night, with 100% certainty, she was sitting on the couch, with her dad, singing songs.
It wasn’t a dream.  It was real.

Oh…and for the record…I’m not really THAT old.  Yesterday at church our readings and gospel had widows in them.  The priest, before dismissing the children for their liturgy,explained that they were going to hear about widows.  And that, “Widows really look just like anyone else…except a lot older.” 

 

Andy laughed.  He likes it when I’m called “Old”…probably because I call him old - a lot.

I wanted to jump up and yell…But I’m not old!!  Well…I didn’t…but at least I spoke my piece here. 

And maybe you agree with the priest...maybe I am old…but shhhh, don’t tell me. 

A girl can always dream - - right?

Happy Halloween

It's weird. 
You know...to be normal.
To have a normal life.
To be.  Just like everyone else.
I feel like that's why I don't blog anymore.
I'm just a girl.  That has a girl.  And a boy. And a dog.
I have house debit.
Not medical debit.
I'm just a girl. 
And it may take awhile for me to get used to this. 
Normalcy.
Safety.
Security.
Wow.

So...what do normal, suburban families do?  Well...they celebrate Halloween!  And we did a lot of celebrating this year!  We started at my parent's, with a mini-Halloween party with my sister and Miles. 

We celebrating at Daycare - twice!  Once at night with other families.  Once during the day, with a kiddo Halloween Party.  And we celebrated last Sunday for Trick or Treat in the NB!  Mel and her family joined us and those older boys just ran with Eleanor from house to house to house....finally Eleanor waived her white flag and surrendered!  She just couldn't keep up anymore!













I called Eleanor my "hobo butterfly".  She has been talking, since Andy and I became engaged, that she wanted to be a purple butterfly in our wedding.  So we told her she could be one for Halloween instead.  And so, since June, we've been collecting purple items for her costume.  It was an eclectic piece of work!



















It also seemed pretty strange that this was the first year that I didn't really make any part of E's costume; Apart from some sad looking antenna!  But she loved that costume, so I guess, that's all that mattered!

Today is the last day I'm allowing any candy in our house.  Tomorrow it gets bagged up and taken to work for donation.  I have 3 weeks in which to detox this family before the next mad rush of holidays is upon us. 

Seriously...where did this year go?  It's tough...being "normal"

Field Trip

I don’t really recall being asked for permission…but somehow, overnight, my baby grew up.  I know, I know, I’ve said this before.  But I REALLY mean it now.  She’s like a kid.  Not a baby.  Not a toddler.  A full functioning KID.  It’s amazing, watching her grow and discover, but sometimes it honest to goodness breaks my heart.  I mean, I should be happy she’s happy and HEALTHY (I thank God EVERY day for that!).  But seriously?  Is it really supposed to happen this fast? 

So, in the spirit of growing up too fast, when I saw the permission slip in Eleanor’s Preschool Cubby announcing her first field trip, I marched into my boss’s office and proclaimed, “Come Hell or High Water, I’m chaperoning Eleanor’s first field trip.”  I’m not sure my boss even looked up from her computer.  “OK”.   I’m very lucky to work for an organization that truly believes and supports the work/life balance.  (And…they don’t hold it over your head, after you make a family decision…like some companies!).

So Eleanor has been talking for WEEKS about going on her field trip to the pumpkin farm and riding the hay wagon and the school bus.  It’s been a long few weeks!

And then it happened.  Monday I got my first call from school…”Mrs. Terrones, this is Preschool…Eleanor has a 103 fever.  Can you come get her?”  I raced to school and picked up a wilted little Eleanor.  It was pathetic.  I told E to tell her teacher she would hopefully see her tomorrow.  Then I learned that in a state licsenced daycare, a child can’t return until they have been fever free, without medication, for 24 hours.  Um.  Crap!  My fiancé and I work full-time.  Not to mention, the next day when Eleanor woke up, she was basically fine.  So Andy and I did the last minute scramble that all parents know about!  And we made it work (yeah, Team Bach is pretty freakin’ amazing!)  We tried our hardest to get E to relax.  Tried our hardest not to give her medication and kept an eye on that temperature. 

All ended up working out and Wednesday morning I took Eleanor to school and staid with her until we left for the field trip.  The parent to kiddo ratio was 1:2.  So it was just me, E and our new friend “T”.  As we approached the big yellow school bus, I asked the girls if they had ever ridden a school bus before.  E nearly bounced all the way there and sang…to the entire parking lot…”I’ve NEVER been on a school bus, Mom!  This is the Best Day of MY LIFE!”  Wow – and it’s only 9 AM.  Sweet. 

When we got on the bus E and T were just befuddled.  “MOM!  There are NO seatbelts on this bus.  What do we do?!”  We made it the 2 miles down the road and entered the pumpkin patch.  I loved watching the kiddos explore and learn and play.  I learned that 3 year olds love to LOVE. They are all hugs.  All holding hands.  All cuddles.  It was grand!  They want SO much to do things on their own.  But they want SO much to be helped.  I knew this about my kid – I just didn’t realize it was the same for all 3 year olds. 

The field trip also allowed me to observe E’s teachers a little more.  I got to watch E want to be with her teacher.  To want to break free from my hand and hold her teacher’s.  To seek her teacher’s approval on things.  After what seemed like a hard adjustment to E’s new school (well, for mom anyway!), it was the affirmation I needed. 

After a quick 2 hours, we were back on the bus heading home.  Both T and E had their heads on my shoulders.  They were all just exhausted.  I have to say, the field trip went very well.  Things seemed very organized and I am SO SO happy I can say I got to experience Eleanor’s first field trip!

But SERIOUSLY KID…STOP growing up SO fast!!

The kids all had to wear bright green t-shirts with the school name on them. 

October

October has and always will be my favorite month.

I love fall.  Everything about it.  The sights.  The sounds. The smells.  Love!

I have long said that if all of your family and friends got together and celebrated Halloween, the way we celebrate Christmas, October would surpass every other month as the best. month. ever.

So, it's really no surprise that when I first was engaged, I quickly picked October for my wedding.  And I planned an amazing leaf/fall inspired wedding. 

Life quickly changed for me on October 6, 2010.  And I thought I would hate October for the rest of my life.  I can take myself back to that day in a minute.  I can feel the thick, hard cold pressure on my chest.  The suffocation of my life.  October 6 draws upon me harder and faster than February 22 does.  I see the date on the calendar and I shutter.  I want to wish it away.  And still, I could tell you everything about that day.  The sights.  The sounds. The smells.

The transition from Widow to Fiance has been a complicated one.  And I woke up on October 6, 2012 in a place I didn't think was possible.  The day was overcast and cold.  I bundled up and went for a run...with my dog.  Who would have thought?  And I spent some moments reflecting.  Never forgetting where I've been.  Who I've become.  But not spending so much time looking back, that I can't see what's in front of me.  And I just had an amazing day. 

And I crawled into bed that night and I felt my fiance wrap his strong, warm arms around me and for the first time all day, I let myself give into the day.  I felt the hot tear run down my cheek.  2 years ago, I was certain my life was over.  Perhaps, I wanted it to be over.  And now I have Andy and he's given me, he has created with me, a second chance.  A chance to live again and to have all of which I thought was lost. 

And October will just be a long, complicated month.  Because as quickly as October 6 came, it's gone.  For another year gone.  And today, although one day early, we celebrated "October 8".  We celebrated Andy's birthday. 

And we laughed.  2 years ago, I had no idea that I would be on a hay wagon with my daughter and my fiance, smiling, laughing and enjoying a day as a family.  And Andy....well, one year ago...if you would have told him how he was going to be celebrating his 35th birthday, he would have just laughed at you.  Eleanor and I made brownies.  We wrapped birthday presents.  We sang.  We carved our pumpkins.  And we made some great moments.  And I wouldn't have traded this day for the world. 

And next weekend.  I'll celebrate my 6th wedding anniversary.  And yes.  I'll keep counting.  And yes.  I'll keep celebrating.  Yes. 
And the next day after that.  I'll celebrate the day I picked up my phone, saw Andy's picture, and a text from my friend, instructing me that I just HAD to meet her friend's brother.
And on the last day of the month, I'll celebrate the day that changed my life.  Again.  The day I received that e-mail.  To Andy and I.  Introducing us. 

And I'll keep riding this roller coaster every October.  From now until forever.  High highs.  Low Lows.  And every single one of those things had to happen for the other to happen.  And that's why I'll keep loving October.  And I'll keep celebrating October.  But I guess.  Maybe October isn't all that different then the rest of my life.  Then the rest of your life.  high highs.  low lows.  And we just keep celebrating. 

so...::Cheers::

An update from New Berlin

Oh dear...
I haven't written in awhile. 
Life.
You know?
It just gets in the way sometimes.

I think...Eleanor and I are just about moved in. 
We have transitioned from unpacking to rearranging. 
Turning chaos into a house....into a home. 
Every day.  Every minute.  We feel more at home.

At first, it was just like we were going to spend some time at Andy's.
Honestly.  It wasn't all easy. 
It wasn't easy to pack it all up and move away. 
To move to a new place and to feel like I was taking my daughter away from my parents.
And poor Andy. 
Some crazy girl moves into his house, brings a bunch of junk and sits in bed and cries.
Every night.
Oh...just another reason why I love that man.  Sometimes he laughed at me.
Sometimes he just held me and let me cry.
Sometimes he bought me flowers and said really nice things.

Eleanor has adjusted incredibly well to preschool.  I think it was a harder transition for mom.  At first she didn't know anyone's name.  She didn't know her teacher's name.  She couldn't tell us what she did during the day.

Now each day she comes home she tells us a new friend's name.  She tells us stories about her teachers and she calls them by name.  She tells us things her teacher says to her and about hugs she gets.  AND she told me her name starts with the letter "E" and can show me an E in words (like when we were pulling into the TargEt parking lot).  She can tell me there are 7 days in a week and is always asking what a day means.  What does "Monday" mean, mom?  Every day, a million stories.  A million adventures.  And she is loving it.
Once again...time prevails and patience is key. 

I'm learning my way around the grocery store.  I'm choosing which grocery store I like better.  I'm learning that streets like "National Ave" and "Sunny Slope" really aren't as big as I thought they were and they are all just streets in my neighborhood.  Things are becoming familiar.  Comfortable. 

And every night I go downstairs, I kiss my sweet baby girl good night.  I tuck her in.  Under her new comforter, in her new room, in her new bed.  I thank God for the most amazing blessing in my life. 
And then I head back upstairs, careful not to trip over a box or one of our baskets that haven't found a home and I crawl into my own bed.  And I kiss Andy good night.  And I feel myself start to relax...listening to the deep breaths of Eleanor in the monitor (that I resurrected during the move...just until we get settled), Karl at the end of the bed, and Andy laying next to me.  And I thank God for the fact that I have many, many amazing blessings in my life.

I'm back!

**Disclosure - an error occured while spellchecking this document.  AKA - it's not spell checked - good luck!**
Man - what a whirlwind.
I don't really know the last time I wrote, but here I am.
I'm done with Keith Lane.
I'm done with my parent's house.
And I'm at the new place.

Moving is one thing.
Moving into a fully functioning, fully furnished, fully decorated house. 
Is another.

I kind of feel like a squater sometimes. 
Every day.
Every night.
Every minute is Andy and I trying to turn my crap and his crap into our crap.
You wouldn't believe how possessive people can be about crap! 
It's been a very enlightening experience for both of us.
I still have 4 boxes of Tupperware.
He still has...well..."secrets".  Nah - don't get excited.   There are just areas of the house we haven't tapped into yet - ahem, basement - and I have no idea what awaits me there!

But I'm exhausted.  It's work all day.  Come home and unpack.  We don't sit.  We don't relax.  It's just unpack, merge, put away.  And you can't relax because there is literally shit every where.  So you don't feel relaxed when you are sitting. 

I just want to get a dump truck and haul it all away!!  Seriously.  No one needs 4 entertainment centers. 

And while I don't want Eleanor's experience to be overshadowed by moving boxes....it kinda seems that way sitting down here at the end of my post.

Eleanor started preschool on Monday.  She just LOVES it.  Two days in a row she has brought me art projects for my fridge.  She tells us stories.  And she is EXHAUSTED.  Nap time at a center is a little different then nap time at Patty's.  At Patty's Eleanor napped in a bed, blinds shut, covers on.  At school, she's on a mat, in a big room with kids all around.  Who knows how well she sleeps, how long it takes her to fall asleep and how long she really sleeps.  She's like a walking zombie.  She says she's having fun, but seriously, sometimes my heart hurts for her.  Going to a new school.  Not knowing ANYONE!  She doesn't know her teachers, she doesn't know her friends.  She doesn't know the routine.  What a cluster for a 3 year old. 

Now, good, bad or indifferent the center just explanded so there are several other new kids there too.  And one of her teachers is new.  And while I've only talked to her 3 times - I think I like her.  The other one is a little hard to read, but it's during pick up and there is a lot going on.  So who knows. 

All these little things we have to figure out and get used to.  And what will that take?  PATIENCE!  What don't I have - PATIENCE!  I just want it all figured out.  All routine.  No surprises. 

But each day.
Each minute.
The three of us figure it out.  We learn something new about living with the other.  We take a mental note.  We figure out day care.  We adjust and create a new normal.  And while I'm enjoying this phase of our life, I'm pretty darn excited for the boxes to be gone.  The clutter to be gone.  The shit to be gone and get my life back. 

Well...not entirely back...we just bought a stamp to start making Save the Date cards....

Home Sweet Home

I'm not sure if you heard the news...but Eleanor and I moved.


We boxed up all of our stuff...

And moved it...


Home Sweet Home.

Oh...well, maybe not really.  This was just the house we lived in during our stay in Alabama.  Some day though...I'm gonna buy this house.

So, technically, Eleanor and I are currently living with my parents...and Andy is living with our stuff.  We couln't get Eleanor into her new daycare until after Labor Day (when each kid moves up a class at daycare), but it actually turns out we might get her in 1 week early.

Moving was such a rush!  We listed, we sold, we inspected, we moved.  Wham, bam!  My head is spinning.  But now that it's all over, E and I just want to be at Andy's.  It's hard to call it home until we actually live there.  But it sure is starting to feel like home.  And while Eleanor seems to be adjusting to everything, I'm sure this is all very strange to her.  Moving back in with my parents...with my kid...even if it's only for 3 weeks, is strange enough for me! 

we ALL actually seem to be adjusting...even Karl.  Although, it's not too hard to adjust to dinner being cooked for you every night and 2 closests full of shoes!  Company in the morning before the kiddo wakes up...and an adult to talk to at night, after the kiddo falls asleep. 

Now if only those boxes unpacked themselves...right, Andy!?

The last week

Appreciate this post...I was just bashed in the face by a thrashing, sleep evading 3 year old's head.  The bridge of my nose feels slightly broken...but only broken according to my terms and definition...which means not really broken at all.

Wow.  What a week!  2 weeks ago, I was blogging from my computer in the basement of Keith Lane.  1 week ago, I was sipping wine on the balcony of my house over looking the gulf coast and tonight I am laying on my parent's couch because my house was sold (and I don't really even know where my parents are right now!)

First of all...I owe a big, fat apology to the state of Alabama.  You see, 2 years ago, the Terrones family was supposed to make an adventure down to the Gulf Coast.  Life was a little different for me at that time, because E was still so little and Nicolas couldn't drive.  Spending a week on the beach, that I possibly was going to drive to, just didn't sound great.  Lucky for me...there was an oil spill and our vacation was relocated to Door County (amazing!).

Then I started planning a Florida vacation and my sister indicated that she wasn't going to spend a week in Orlando and wanted to spend some time at the beach in Florida.  Long story short, there is a 1 week vacation planned for Ft. Meyers Beach.  Gag me.

Then I met Andy.  He and his family spent a week in Perdido Key, Florida  - Gulf Shores area.  They didn't do much - just hang out on the beach and whatever else they wanted to in the moment. 

Then my SIL, Jolene, got engaged and planned a ... you guessed it...beach wedding. 

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE?? 

So I booked my flight to Pensacola, Florida and prepared to spend some time on the beach.

Enter my apology.  It.  was.  amazing!  I wish I had pictures, but, alas, my computer is somewhere in the sea of boxes at Andy's, my netbook can't handle pictures and baby E is sleeping in the room with my parent's computer.

We rented a 6 bedroom beach house.  We all stayed in the same house.  Came and went as we pleased.  Drank morning coffee on the porch.  Evening wine on the same porch.  Listening to the waves.  The kids ran down the stairs at the leisure and played in the white sand.  And we just watched them.  Or we joined them. 

And my favorite part - watching storms over the Gulf.  Huge.  Magnificent.  Magical.  Awesome storms.  

We laughed.  We cried.  We reminisced.  And we made millions more memories. 

And I had a great time.  No agenda.  No rush.  Just a beach vacation.

Now, now...don't get excited.  I couldn't do it every vacation...but I certainly learned my lesson.  Don't judge a book by its cover!  Apparently, you people knew what you were talking about when you wanted to go on a beach vacation and next time...I want to come too!

And the wedding...oh the wedding! Again, I wish I had pictures because I can't do it justice.  It was so beautiful and so relaxed.  Just two people.  Pledging their life together.  And what isn't beautiful about that.

I have stories!  Stories about dolphins, waves, lightening.  But I guess it's all for another time. 
I have stories about moving, packing, unpacking and the craziness that is combining two households.  But that, too, is for another time.

I might actually go spend a few minutes and try to plan some of my own wedding.  Close your mouth...I said "might".  Beach wedding anyone?

There's a book for that...

I was packing tonight and came across several books.
The Healing Journey Through Grief
Your Grief Journal
Widow to Widow
A Widow's guide to Grieving

I stared at them for a minute...just like I just did again...all spread out on my bed. The nightstand is empty. And I opened each one. I looked at the creased binding and the dog eared page.

Once upon a time, I needed a book to learn how to be me. How to be the me I was going to become. But it was as I read these books, I realized, these books were saying exactly what I was feeling. Not word for word, but a sentence here, a paragraph there, a chapter. Grief.

And as I read the underlined sentences I could feel the raw, cold ache in my bones. It never went away. I've just learned how to live with it. And can be reminded of it all to easily.

...only another widow knows what it feels like to become a widow...

...but I keep forgetting...(I remember the day I turned the corner of my subdivision and didn't understand why Nic wasn't standing in my driveway)
Chapter 3 - Dumb Things People Say: What friends, relatives and those who care should know
...Grieving is a process rather than a series of uphill steps...one day you will realize you actually enjoyed yourself...it does happen, in our own time and in your own time and in yur own way...
...Mourning becomes livable when you do something cheering and healthy for yourself...

...Do not go to bed at night without having your next day planned...

On one page I actually wrote, I have anger. Why have you visited other people in dreams and not me. I need to see you. I feel you and I know you are here. Why can't I see you?
...You are more , more sensative, more confused, more angry and more afraid, to name a few of your new, unwanted acquisitions. Very likely, you are also trying to be brave and indepenent.

I once underlined, "I can't picture my future, and I'm filled with memories of the past. I'm just too sad to move or even cry."

And when I read that, I feel this ache in my chest. I feel SO bad for the girl that underlined that. I feel SO bad for the person that hurt that bad. That finally had a chance to sit down at the end of the day and that's what they did. That girl read a book about grieving because that book understood. And my heart just hurts for that girl.

And I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl that lay in this bed, underlining quotes on grief. Knowing that at least someone out there understood dispair because the book was written. I'm a girl that smiles from the inside. Laughs from deep within. I'm so happy for this girl. This girl that looks back on memories of the past and smiles and shares them with who ever will listen. This girl that picked that other girl up and knew there was so much more. This girl that opened her heart.

I once underlined, "...despite your loss, ou need to accept that you still have a life to lead and must continue to deal with your everyday responsilities."

And when I read that, I just can't comprehend that the girl that underlined that didn't love life for awhile. Forced herself to get out of bed, to get ready, to be a parent.

And I'm not that girl. Oh, trust me...I still force myself to get out of bed, but just because I'm like everyone else out there that would love to just hit the snooze button one more time. This girl looks back on the time she had alone with her daughter and considers it a blessing. This girl needs to tell herself she needs to share her daughter...because she isn't used to doing it. And considers herself lucky. This girl can't wait to "run a household" again. To cook. To clean. To make a welcome home for her family.

That girl stopped reading the book when she got to the chapter "Acceptance" because that girl was nowhere near ready to accept.

And I'm not that girl. And I love that girl. I feel sorry that girl had to feel that way, but she made me become who I am today. And I love that.

It's so hard to look back and remember the raw emotion. But I know it's there because I personally feel it when I read these books. And I can't get rid of these books because they represent such a real time in my life. A time, that I will never forget, but that has become such a fiber of me, that is part of my existence, that just is. Unfortunately, I know someday I'm going to need to draw on these thoughts of the past. These raw emotions of the past. I know, as life goes on, I will encounter more widows. Some more experienced then me and willing to share theirs...and some that will so desparetly need me to hold them up.

And I'll hold them and I'll tell them. Patience. You will never know it's happening. But one day you will look back and realize, I regained my life. I took control. I process grief daily and we have learned to coexist. You will realize, this is my life. And I am happy with what it has become. And I am happy with who I have become. And I opened my heart. And it was scary. And it was good. And you won't know it's happening. But it will happen.

Holy. Crap.

What the hell just happened?
I sold my house - that's what happened. 
In almost 3 hours, I sold my house. 
No.
I sold my HOME.  Which is WAY different than a house.
On Monday, July 9th, my house went on the market.  We had a broker's tour.  A kid (yes, he's a kid...I'm older than him...he's a kid) came through the tour. 
He came through again that night with his agent.
The next day we had an offer. 
No financing contingency.
No other home contingency. 
He just wanted my house by the end of the month.
We had our home inspection last week and the buzz of the times is RADON.
So...we had to have a radon inspection...which I feel was kind of like testing to see if the Lochness Monster lived in my basement.
Or Big Foot.
Both of which, apparently do, because we failed our Radon test.
PS - Every one fails their radon test.  It would be like testing your house for oxygen.  It's there!
However, apparently no one cared that radon was in my house prior to me selling it...because I never heard about Radon, Radon Tests or....Mitigation systems...which I now get to buy for my house.  Er, I mean, Mr. Buyer's house. 
PS - I was pregnant in this house.  I had an infant in this house.  And now I have a little person in this house - shouldn't someone have told me about radon if it's that big of a deal?
Counters all accepted.
Final docs signed. 
I have an accepted offer and we close July 31. 
I'm too exhausted to be emotional right now.  I have too much shit to do to cry.
When I'm in this house I never want to be anywhere else  I kick myself for selling it. 
It is...the best house ever. 
It was my first home. 
But...I took a load of crap...er...stuff to Andy's today.  And when I'm there...I never want to leave.  I feel the way the kitchen light pierces through the dark of the setting sun and it feels like home.  I hear the creak of a floor board.  I look around at all my boxes, mingling with all his stuff.  And my heart skips a beat and I get so excited for what is in front of us. 
I can't walk away from my house.  I can't leave this home.  But I'm grabbing my baby girl's hand, and we are walking together...and we are walking toward Andy's outstreatched hand.  And we aren't really leaving this house.  We aren't really walking away.  We are just walking forward.
Oops...and I said I wasn't going to get emotional. 

A scale of 1 to exhausted

I am:
Exhausted
Stressed Out
In need of a run
Itchy (darn mosquito's)
Overwhelmed

Probably because I'm so dang bored and I have nothing to do!
I'm pretty pissed too, because I was trying to upload some pictures and I think my computer froze, because the pictures stopped uploading...and...of course...I hit the wrong button and then the pictures that had uploaded were gone.  Not in my blog.  Just gone.

The other day I was talking to my dad about how I have so much going on and it's just impossible to keep everyone up to date all the time.  I can't keep myself up to date...so imagine the neglect many of my immediate friends and family feel! Yesh.  I told him I was going to start a newsletter and maybe that way I could ke ep everyone informed.  "Um.  Don't you have a blog?" My dad asked.
Those dads. 
So smart!
So...you want to know what's going on?  Read the blog!  :)

So.  What IS going on?
Well...we've been VERY busy with beautiful weddings, 4th of July celebrations, concerts - Dave Matthews AND Neil Diamond - both shows were incredibly amazing! - Birthday celebrations - Family - Friends - eating gluttonous amounts - drinking even more - And packing.  Lots and lots of packing!

The house is officially on the market...although, I will admit I'm more than a little sad we don't have a sign in our yard yet.  I'll cry when I see it for the first time, but I'm excited too!  The write up on the house was really cute and the broker tour provided some great feedback.  We've already had 3 showings with 2 more scheduled and an open house.  All within less then 12 hours. 

I don't love living in a house that is listed.  I'm running around behind Eleanor, trying to keep the house clean...and do you know how hard it is for me to put my clothes away at the end of the day? 

Anyway - keep your fingers crossed the house sells quickly.  While Eleanor doesn't technically have a daycare yet - I'm not sure how people live with a house on the market for months and months!

Random Thoughts from a Racing Mind

I found that on Pinterest. 
I like it.
So I'm sharing it with you.

My relator contacted me today. 
When do you want to start showings? She asked.
Um...Never.  Can't you just sell my house without taking pictures and without having people walk through it?
Makes sense to me.
Otherwise...what am I paying you for?

Well...I guess that can't happen...so I had to keep boxing up stuff...no...let's call it what it is - CRAP.  Boxes and boxes of crap are exiting my house!
O.M.G.  Do you know how much crap I have?!

And I have to get ready for this weekend - which is UBER busy.
And it's so damn hot out I just can't do anything.
Eleanor's crabby.
I'm crabby.
I'm tired.
E's so tired she's boycotting sleep. 
It was another one of those nights that she called for me and called for me and called for me.  Finally I told her I wasn't going in there any more.  She called for me again and I sat outside of her door and cried.
Then I told myself I was doing stuff until 9 and then I was sitting down and blogging.
With a glass of wine. 
Seriously.  I don't know what person in their right mind makes the conscience decision to move. 
YOU
ARE
CRAZY
Unless you need to move.  Or your house is falling down around you.
Don't
Do
It!
OK - I'm done.  I'm so super excited to move...it's just packing that sucks.  I even like unpacking. 
Ouf...I need to go do more packing...

...and falling in love again...

When Nic died, people said some dumb shit to me. Lucky for me, I have some amazing friends that ran some good interference...but they didn't catch them all.  One person said to me, Now isn't the time to be sad.  You have to learn to be strong now?  Ummm, "learn to be strong now"? So...exactly what was I while watching my husband die, running a house and carrying for a 2 year old?  Never once, did I have a chance to not be strong.  Still to this day...keep up the good front...learn to be strong...idiots. 

Another great thing that was said...A part of you died when Nic died.  No shit - really? At age 30 I lost my husband, my partner in life. My best friend. Yup.  A big part of me died when Nic died.  Idiots. 

I didn't complain.  I didn't feel sorry for myself.  I didn't, for one minute, let it stop me.  I took all of Nic's courage, strength, love, fight.  I took his lifetime and made it mine.  Because he died at such a young age, he had a lot left to give.  And I took it all.

And yet...I hid a lot of it too.  Maybe I didn't think I deserved to love again.  Maybe I thought I wouldn't get the chance.  Maybe I thought that I had that rare, true love and I surely would never find it again.  Maybe I thought I wasn't lucky.  Maybe I internalized a lot of my fear and told myself it couldn't happen.

So with my friend Sarah told me she had a man for me.  I ignored her.  This was not Sarah's first attempt at match-making.  And maybe I wasn't interested.  Maybe I was scared.  Maybe I didn't think I was deserving.  But Sarah had to know something, because this time, she pushed.  And finally one day she sent an e-mail to Andy and an e-mail to me.  "Dana, this is Andy, Andy this is Dana..."  And I stared at that e-mail for days.  "He'll never e-mail me."  I repeated to myself over and over and over.  I'm a 31 year old widow with a kid.  He'll never e-mail me.

And then one day he did.  Shit.  I quick logged out of my e-mail account.  Maybe he didn't see me!  Talk about an idiot!  So I logged back in and read the e-mail.  It spoke of houses, jobs, dogs, interests.  And then I had to respond.  I waited a few days.  Maybe I was scared.  Maybe I wasn't interested.  Maybe I didn't think I was deserving.  But I e-mailed him back.  And I spoke of houses, jobs, kids, and interests. 

And this went on for weeks.  And then the phone calls started.  Our first phone conversation was 4 hours long.  I put Eleanor to bed, called Andy, and we talked until midnight.  We talked and talked and talked.  And this went on for months. Hours at a time.  Hours.  Never less. We talked about getting together, but he went out of town on business, I went out of town on business, there was Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, on and on and on and nothing ever worked out. 

And then I thought we'd never met.  And I would tell myself over and over again.  Do NOT get attached to him.  Do NOT fall in love with him.  Maybe I was scared.  And when it was finally time to meet, I was so smitten with this man.  He was SO easy to talk to.  And we had the same interests, but we were totally different too.  And when we met, I said to myself....even though I had seen a few pictures...everything seems so perfect...just let him be good looking.  And he walked into Mo's, confident, controlled...and totally good looking.  And our first date was over 5 hours long.  And we were the last people in the resturant.  And the cleaning crew started vacuuming.  And we decided we needed to leave.  But we didn't want to leave.  And it was never a question of IF I was going to see him again, but from date one...it was WHEN am I going to see him again?

But I waited.  I waited for the other shoe to drop.  And I didn't want to talk about us too much.  I didn't want to curse it.  I didn't want to stand up in the boat, because I didn't want to make waves.  I kept a low profile.  I.  was. petrified.  And even though I told myself not to...I already was.  In love. 

And that's how Andy and I met.  And that's how Andy and I fell in love.  And I'm not scared anymore.  And when I am, I get to talk to Andy about it.  And sometimes he just listens.  Sometimes he laughs at me and tells me I'm being stupid.  He challenges me like that.  It feels good to be challenged.  And I don't feel like I don't deserve this.  I realize that with that strength, comes this love.  I don't know why I get this second chance.   I don't know why Andy's soul told him to wait...that a lost, hurt, battered and beaten soul was going to come along and need him.  And some how, we found each other.  And all I can do is hope.  Hope that some other widow, a new widow, stumbles across this blog and realizes...It will never, ever get easier.  I just gets different.  And different, my friends, can be so good.

I have issues

Well, 99% of you that actually read this know about me and my many issues.
Today's issue...I would rather lay in bed and make a list of what I have to pack rather than just getting up and packing.  I'd rather scuttle out of bed tomorrow morning at 5 AM to pack then to do it tonight.
I'm just plain exhausted at night! 

However, I'm thrilled to be laying in bed tonight with the windows open, finally enjoying the sounds of summer.  That heat was for the birds.  BLAH!  I HATE it.  While it's still a little warm, I can handle this!

The good news of the day is that I am 99% certain that Andy and I found a school for Eleanor.  Many of you can remember how hard it was for me to find daycare for Eleanor the first time around.  So the second time proved to be as tricky.  I have been incredibly blessed for 3 years with our current child care arrangement...however...regardless of moving, Eleanor would have had different arrangements next fall anyway. 

While I had originally enrolled her in a 3k program at our church, New Berlin Public Schools don't offer a 3K and our church didn't either.  But Eleanor needs a curriculum and is so ready for school.  And, let's be honest, momma had her heart set on it too!  I would always go back to in-home care (provided my current provider moves to New Berlin!) for an infant...but am SO super excited to have Eleanor in a pre-school now that she's older.  I got gitty with excitement when I saw the alphabet on the wall, and the colors, and the art projects....AND...it's a peanut free school.  Double bonus!

Eleanor and I are going back in a few weeks for another tour.  I want Eleanor to see the school too.  And while I'm not putting a lot of stock in my 3 year old's opinion, as I told the director, Eleanor is a little person.  At 3 she has already graduated from the school of hard knocks and we have conversations that most people don't have with a child.  But I know Eleanor is going to just fall in love with her new school...

...And with a start date of a school year on a calendar...so too must an official move date be scheduled.  Hence my non-commitment to officially saying this is the school.  Packing is a lot of hard work!  Did you know when you move you have to take everything out of your house?  That's crap!  So, luckily, I get to move things slowly...not to mention - my house isn't even on the market yet!!

And finally, don't forget the Rock N Sole run, this Saturday along the Milwaukee Lakefront.  I have friends doing the 5K, the qtr. marathon and the 1/2 mar athon.  And if you are running 3 or you are running 13, every runner likes a crowd...so come cheer us on...and bring your water guns...we like to be sprayed too!  Good Luck to all my fellow runners and please be safe out there!

What about you - how is your summer going?  Picking new schools?  Packing houses?  Running over extremely long bridges?  Hope it's all great!

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day!
The unfortunate part about blogging from my Netbook, is that I don't have any pictures...and everyone likes a good Dad picture!
First and foremost, Happy Father's Day to MY father.  Every little girl thinks their dad is amazing, but, with out argument, my dad takes the cake. He's the dad that taught me to ride a 2 wheeler.  He's the dad that sat through countless dance recitals after his efforts at getting me to play soccer failed miserably.  He's the dad that teaches virtues like patience and honesty.  Love and Respect.  He's the dad that makes me aspire to be someone better than I am.  He's the dad that walked me down the aisle.  He's the dad that cried when I told him his baby was going to have a baby.  He's the dad that held me up when I could no longer take the weight of Nicolas's funeral.  He's the dad that picks my daughter up from daycare.  He's the dad that has morphed into an amazing Grandpa.  Dad - no words can describe my love and respect for you.  I love you.

And to Nicolas.  The foundation of fatherhood for Eleanor.  Everyone thinks that Father's Day is such a sad day for Eleanor and I. While it's sad that Eleanor can't be with her Father on this day, as we do every other day of our life, we choose to be reflective today.  We choose to, not look to look back with sadness, but look back with happiness at what we were able to experience.  In their short time together they lived a life time.  Nicolas  was, very obviously, an amazing father.  The father that got down on the ground and played with his daughter.  The father that got up, without question, for those 1 AM feedings.  The father that just wanted to spend time with his family above anything else.  And the father that had so much love in his heart he continues to shine down on us.  To protect us from afar.  Yes, Eleanor's dad is in heaven and that hurts to say.  But it also means that we have a piece of heaven with us every day.  Happy Father's Day, Nicolas.

And to Andy.  The man who, even before I knew him, knew if he wanted me, he'd have Eleanor too.  The man that never questioned accepting my daughter.  Andy, I know you feel like you don't know what you are doing. You feel like you don't know how to be a father yet.  But ask them all - no one knows how to father.  They follow what's in their heart and somehow that's right.  You've listened to the jaw dropping, shocking comments that come out of a 3 year old's mouth.  You've endured the temper tantrums.  You've wiped little tushies.  You've even endured cleaning up puke already! (We initiate fast around here).  You've enjoyed tiny kisses and hugs that make you feel like a king.  You've heard the sweet whisper of, "I love you".  Day by day, you figure it out.  And that, my friend, is what makes you a dad.  And while I can't thank you enough for loving me...It's the love you have for Eleanor that makes my heart burst.  And so I say to you, Happy Father's Day.  You will be great!

And to the others - the Father-In-Law, the Brother-in-Law, the sea of friends that help to father my Eleanor.  To ensure she has the male guidance she needs.  Who are amazing fathers to their children.  I love you all.  And I hope you all have an amazing day!

So - kiss a dad today and tell him he's doing a dang good job!

The Weekend Review

Andy and I had an amazing weekend!  One of his friends got married in Bloomingdale, IL.  We spend some time alone, we spent some time with friends, we ate some good food and indulged in WAY too much alcohol.  I felt incredibly loving all weekend and just over all, happy.  We went to IKEA this afternoon, picked up some fun stuff and headed home.  I thought it was just a great weekend.


And then I got to Andy's house.  I jumped out of the car and into the house to grab my keys.  I was eager to get back on the road because I wanted to see my little Ellie bean.  I walked in the house and there was something red all over the floor.  Damn it, Karl...what did you get into?!  Only...Karl wasn't home and on second glance, I noticed they were rose petals. I looked on the fireplace and noticed the most obnoxiously large vase of red roses and lilies.  I thought Andy did something sweet because he had a good weekend.  I didn't really know how he did it...but I guess I wasn't thinking rationally.  Andy started stammering behind me.  "I think we need to go downstairs and talk".  And I started saying, "Oh my God" over and over and over and over.

 And there it was as we reached the edge of the landing.  A thick spread of rose petals asking those four words we have been talking about.  I know Andy said a lot of great things, but I don't remember anything!  I just remember saying, "Oh my God". 

 Finally, he grabbed the ring box and asked me if I wanted to see it.  He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him (first, he asked me if I'd help him get back up when he was ready).  I said "Yes" 100 million times and then he told me I had to put the ring on because his hand was shaking too much!

And then we sat on the floor and let it all sink in.  And that's when it hit me.  And that's when I started crying.  I told him I was a mess.  I told him I came with so much baggage.  I told him I was going to drive him crazy.  And I told him that I didn't realize I was unhappy until he made me happy.  I didn't realize I was in pieces until he held me together.  I don't know what I did to deserve this man.  But I do.  I do deserve him and I deserve this and we deserve each other.  And now I get to spend the rest of my life trying to make him as happy as he has made me.  And he's amazing and I can't wait for everyone to get to know him better.  I can't wait for every one to fall in the love with the man I will call my husband.  The smart, calm, patient, sarcastic, witty man that I feel head over heels in love with. 

So what started as a good weekend, turned into a really amazing amazing weekend. And on and on and on....

Eleanor...and Life

How was your weekend?  Ours was C-Razy!
Friday we had a cook-out in Muskego...Mukwonago?  I never know which is which...Eleanor got to meet lots of new friends...and so did Mom!  Eleanor was up until 10:00, which is just about late as she has ever staid up!
Saturday morning Eleanor was woken up a little on the early side by her newest 4 legged friend, Karl (Andy's Dog), she didn't get much of a nap and then we had another cook out, this time in Grafton. And Eleanor was up until 9.
Sunday we had another cook-out in Grafton, but luckily, this one was at our house and E was in bed, sound asleep, by 7.

It's no wonder I walked into her room and found her, passed out, while reading books!  Sadly, this was also the last time the camera on my phone worked!
Monday, baby Eleanor slept until 8:30!  It was amazing!  We spent some time with my mom and finally just relaxing.  We had an impromptu cook-out at my parents house, but managed to get home and get to bed at a decent time. 

It was just an amazing weekend.  I spent almost every minute with Eleanor, and actually missed her at work on Tuesday. 

That kid never shocks me with things she says...and she will kill me some day for typing this...but here it goes!
Sunday night after bath time, Eleanor bent over and stuck her bare butt in the air and asked me to "Check for a peanut".  Given this is the same child that stuck a lego up her nose, I was a little scared.  "Mom, Check.  Do I have a peanut?"  Oh....shiste.  I mentally flipped through every page in the parenting manual I have stored in my mind, only to realize, once again, the stupid manual is BLANK and I have to figure this out on my own!
"Eleanor, it's called a peNIS and little girls don't have them"
"No - it's called a peaNUT and [boy at daycare] has a peanut and he has to stand up to go potty"
"Well, I'm pretty sure it's called a peNIS and it's a private part for boys and we shouldn't talk about it.  But speaking of potty, do you have to go?"
We continued our conversation in the bathroom as Eleanor looked up at me and said, "Mom, some day I'm going to grow big and get a peanut."
"Eleanor.  It's a peNIS and you won't get one, because you are a girl.  And it is inappropriate for us to talk about this."
Last word Eleanor had to finish, "Mom.  It's a peaNUT".
Well...don't I feel foolish.  All these years, thinking it was a penis.  Who knew my 3 year old could enlighten me?!  Gosh, I just about bit through my lip to stifle my laugh!

And SO...as for my camera - 2 trips to the Apple store - 2 wasted lunch breaks - 1 STUPID question by the "Genius" at Apple - 1 hard system reboot and 1 new phone later....my camera works. And while I started this day HATING Apple - I came home, plugged that bad boy into my computer and 30 minutes later the new phone is EXACTLY the way the old phone was.  Syncing is amazing - imagine how much cooler it would be if I actually knew what the heck the "cloud" was :)

Enjoy the rest of your week - stay warm! - the next weekend is right around the corner!

Who are you?

You know.  I don't give you crap when you don't read for awhile, so I just don't think it's fair that you give me crap when I don't write for awhile.  A girl is busy.  What can I say?  Life is just ZIPPING by!  I can't believe that we are entering the week before Memorial Day.  I'm trying SO hard to keep up, but I just know I'm falling short in so many ways.

Life?  Life is good.  We have so many exciting things going on, it's just hard to explain them all.  I feel horrible that I never blogged about Mother's Day.  I have so much to say on the topic.  I feel horrible that I didn't blog about our trifecta of First Communions.  I have so many 2nd graders in my life that I'm just SO proud of!

But I can't let too much time escape without blogging about Strain For the Brain.  Because I'm just bursting with pride on this one.













On Saturday, May 12, we had the annual Strain for the Brain and just look at that amazing group of people that gathered together to fight a horrible disease.  And we all participated in Nic's name.  Some of us ran with other family members and friends on our minds too.  But I was just in awe.  I can't thank some of you enough - for participating and for your generous cash donations. I raised over $1,000! I just KNOW we are making strides against this disease.  And maybe...just maybe...some other woman won't have to lose her husband.  A mother won't have to lose her son.  A child won't have to lose her father.  Maybe.  How amazing would that be?













I was elated to have both of my girls with me at the race.  I could feel Nicolas smiling down on us when we took this picture.  Proud of what his 3 little ladies have accomplished.  And who they have become.  And where they are going.  And...well...Eleanor just adores her big sister and loves every minute she gets to spend with her!

Who else was at the race?  Eleanor's new friend, Andy.  That's who. Some of you have heard me talking about him.  Some of you have even had the chance to meet him.  But there's a pretty good chance that if you hang around the Terrones girls long enough, you might just meet him. And I consider myself pretty damn lucky that Andy was there, running by my side, supporting me.  Supporting Eleanor.  Knowing what we have been through.  Not sure what I did to deserve this one...but I guess it's never really been my style to question the hand I'm dealt.  So...I guess I just turn the page and keep reading.  Just like you do.  And I guess...where ever this path takes me...it all just becomes a part of "Terrones Daily Life...A day in the life...."

I really don't like Mondays

I know - it's a horrible thing to say.  But I really don't.  It's such a harsh introduction back into the work week.  Trying to get E and I out of the house on time, work all day, a long standing doctor's appointment at night.  Then I rush in the door, try to talk to E, try to talk to my mom, that is trying to rush out the door.  Inhaling dinner.  Trying to get Eleanor to bed at a reasonable time.

BLAH

For the birds I tell ya.  Now it's 9:08 and I just sat down for the first time. I gots bills to pay and I still hear baby E wrestling with her sheets, trying to get comfortable. 

I have a house to pick up...which I could put off, but I need to actually be able to find my bed if I want to crawl into it.

So...that's my gripe for the night. 

Any gripes for you?  Come on, spill it.  You know you'll feel better if you just complain...just for a minute!

Eleanor the teacher...

Some kids go to day care and pick up really bad habits.
Or learn really bad things.
There is the kid that hits.
There is the kid that doesn't sit at the table during meal time.
There is the kid that says bad words.
There is the kid that throws food.
Or temper tantrums.
Or there is the kid that knows everything about death.

Awesome.
My kid teaches other small children about death.
And heaven.
And dance parties.

I'm on the Big E duty for the next few days, which means that I get to pick up Eleanor from daycare.
I'm not going to lie - it's one of my favorite parental responsibilities.
Every time I pick her up, it's like she's surprised to see me.
And I'm the best person in the world.  Ever.

Today she nonchalantly handed me Minnie Mouse's body.  Then her head.
"Momma.  She had an accident.  She's dead."
Oh.

Then the little boy pipes up from the kitchen where he is playing, ever so innocently with his brother.
"Is Eleanor's dad dead?"  He's maybe in 1st or 2nd grade.
Ummmmm.
Ummmmmmmmmmmm.
Couldn't you ask me about sex?  Or drugs?  Or Rock N Roll?
Ummmmmmm, "Yup.  Eleanor's dad died."
He hasn't stopped playing.  "Why?"
Seriously?!
"He was really sick"
"Oh.  And he died?"
"Yup"
HELP
"Is he at a dance party?"
W.T.F?!
"YEAH!" Eleanor pipes in. "He's at the dance party!" And off she went.  Skipping outside.
No, really.  WTF just happened?
I looked at Eleanor's day care provider.  Just holding a small, innocent (non verbal) child.  Just watching.  Both of them.  Just watching.

Apparently, I learned, this happens frequently.  The kiddos will be talking.  Eleanor will say something about her mom.  A kid will say something about their dad.  Eleanor will say her dad is dead.  The kids will ask some questions.  Eleanor will educate them on death.  Dying.  Being gone.  Going to heaven.  Dancing.  At a party.
And then they all go back to playing.

No one is sad.
No one cries.
They just talk about Eleanor's dad.  That is in heaven.
My 3 year old can talk about death in its matter of fact state.
The moms.  They cry when she tells stories.
This mom.  I stutter and am not sure what to say.  Thinking that explaining how drugs are bad would be so much easier.

It's not.
It's death.
And it's that simple to Eleanor.
Her dad loves her.  That's all she knows.  That's all she needs to know.  The rest is fact.

Yet again.  My 3 year old is smarter then me.
Yet again.
That kiddo is teaching me.