Dedicated to Johnny Nash

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin?for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin?but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin?but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I wasn't going to print all the lyrics, but I didn't know the third line and had to do a google search. I enjoyed the lyrics so much I put them all in this post.

OK, I'm not really THAT sun-shiny, but I did have a good weekend.
Friday my foot was hurting pretty badly, so I went to the doctor - again - and got a "healing shoe" for my foot. Then baby E and I went to Summer Sounds with some friends (where I DID NOT wear my healing shoe). But I did run into an old friend - so old he called me Dana Schroeder - and that's always fun.

Saturday we had an "impromptu" guest and enjoyed spending the day with Ms. Emma Grace. We also went to a pool party and hung out with friends - again!
I spent the day in the water and developed a toe nail so loose that Emma and I had "wiggling contests" on Sunday - what was more loose - her tooth or my toe nail?

Sunday we hung out in the morning. I tagged for the JBF sale and listened to my little girls play. Then we went to a company volleyball tournament for approx. 30 minutes until both girls declared their boredom. Had lunch at the good ol' CF! and then to the cemetery. Eleanor ran and played, I cried and made Emma sit on my lap! We all blew kisses to daddy when we left and yelled how much we loved him. Ah, yes, people must have thought we were crazy. But then again we were a 30 year old (crap! 31 year old!) widow with a 7 year-old and 2 year-old, fatherless, trio! And we were alone in the cemetery.

We came home, baby E napped, Em played, I tagged. Then we played outside, had Em's mom over for dinner (where we did NOT grill out, because I could not get the grill started - dang it!)

I gave E a bath, put her to bed in her beautiful new polka dot bedding and kissed her good night. She went to sleep with a crown and high heels. I made her put the phone next to her bed, even though she insisted that she had to text someone. Dear Lord! I'm in trouble!

Then I washed dishes. Poured a nice glass of Chardonnay and enjoyed some Strawberry Shortcake.

I'm almost ready to face this week. And it's gonna be hell. I have TOOOOOO much to do in TOOOOOO short of time. But...my foot is feeling the best it has felt in 2 weeks. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and think that if I can take it easy this week, I'll be back to running in no time! Now...I just have to hope that toe nail grows back in before October 9th! Or, I better find some yellow close-toed shoes!

Hope you had a bright sun-shiny weekend too!!

An instant

It's amazing what can evoke a memory.

For the most part, I am OK. Of course, I think about Nic all the time, but it's not always with that heavy sadness or fear or despair that I used to feel.

But sometimes, I stop dead in my tracks. Sometimes, something can move me so much, it surprises even me.

For example, pulling into Governor's Dodge State Park last Friday night. I literally stopped walking and allowed the hot tears to stream down my face.

Sometimes just the local Pick N Save can trigger a memory about us.

Thursday's incident was a little more obvious.

I was in an interview and I asked the candidate how many times he had been absent from his job in the last 6 months. He paused and told me that this year was an exception.

His best friend had died of cancer in March. He took some time off to be with him and for the funeral. It wasn't approved time off because of his company's bereavement policy, but what was he supposed to do? It was his best friend.

I stared at him. I choked out that it was OK, stuttered through a few other words and then looked at the supervisor I was interviewing with and asked him to take over a few.

I stared at him. Him who turned into Dave. Who turned into Lindsey. Who turned into Katie. Who turned into all the people in my life that took time out of their busy lives to sit with us. To sit with Nic so I could run an errand. To sit in my living room and not necessarily say anything to me, but to let me know they were there. I wasn't alone. Nic wasn't alone.

People who came up even after Nic died. To ensure I was never alone. Didn't have to think about what I would do that night. Or that weekend.

And for the rest of the day, I couldn't shake it. I just thought of Nic. I was right back in the dining room of my house, last February. It was so real, it surprised even me.

The next day was July 22. And I was 5 months out.

I went to see Nic and laid in the grass next to him. I talked out loud, I allowed myself to cry openly and loudly. To just, for a few minutes, allow myself to grieve. To not move on. To hurt. To fear.

And then I took a deep breath. I wiped my tears and told Nic I was OK. I told him I would always love him. No matter what.

And I smiled. And I got in my car and I drove away. And I spent the night with good friends, listening to music in a park, in the shade, watching my beautiful daughter dance and laugh.

I told you 2011 sucked!

Have I mentioned how I am just totally over this year?

So, Sunday, July 10, I "ran" my first 1/2 marathon.
Monday, July 11, I believe I committed to running my second.
Tuesday, July 12, I got back out there and ran 2 miles, at a nice 8.5 minute mile.
Wednesday, July 13, I was sore, and began purchasing blister band-aids, gauze pads, and ace bandages.
Thursday, July 14, I ran another 2 miles.  Mile 2 sucked.  Got home, feet bleeding, toe numb.
Friday, July 15, can't walk.
Saturday, July 16, really can't walk.  Now it actually hurts.  Sometimes I need to stop moving because it hurts.
Sunday, July 17 pain comes and goes.  I take a hike down a nice, steep, rocky hill.
Monday, July 18, can't walk.  Get talked into going to doctor.  I wanted to ignore it...because sometimes, regardless of what people say, ignorance is bliss!
Exam
+
X-rays
=
"Fairly Obvious Stress Fracture"

I start crying immediately in the doctor's office. A stress fracture?  Stay off my foot? 5 - 7 days on crutches and a fairly crazy scheduled dose of advil.  Running is my therapy, I explained, without explaining why. 
He told me I'd need to find a new therapy for 2 - 3 weeks.  After the x-rays came back, he said he may have underestimated my healing time and thinks I should wait 3 - 4 weeks before running again.

I have a lot of my mind right now and the only thing I need is a pair of tennis shoes and open road to sort it all out.  How can I sort it all out without a run?  I can't sort it out during pilates.  I can't figure it out on a bike ride.  I need something mindless. 

It's been 24 hours.  24 hours and I feel myself going crazy. 

I shouldn't have run on Tuesday.  I shouldn't have run on Thursday.  But I did...and look it where it got me. 

The worst part about all this...I can't just pretend for it to go away.  I've walked WAY to much on my foot tonight and now it hurts so bad it's tingling.  When I was little, I used to jump (from a fairly low level) from the chairlift with the girl in my ski school.  We wanted to break a leg.  I could fake a sprained ankle and wish for crutches.  None of it worked.  Now, at 31.  Now, when I need my foot.  I get my crutches.  I get my ace bandage.  I get the advil and ice.  I try to tell myself...oh, it doesn't hurt that bad.   Nothing a few miles can't fix. 

WTF? 

Seriously, if someone told me a year ago that I would be crying about not running and crying because I couldn't use my foot, I would have told them they were crazy.

Of course...if a year ago someone would have told me how much shit was going to go down in 2011...I could have told them they were crazy.

Maybe...after all this...I really am the crazy one!!

Strange things are happening...

Tonight Eleanor and I were getting ready for bed.  She was in a hilarious mood.  She was singing into her microphone about daddy.  Out of the blue, I asked her if, instead of reading stories tonight, she would want to watch videos of daddy.

What?

The videos I have been avoiding like the plague!?  Did I really just offer those to Eleanor?

The letter V is one of the letters Eleanor has a hard time pronouncing...so she finished getting ready for bed singing "Bideos of Daddy...Bideos of Daddy!" 

I went to the closet and said out loud, "I wonder where the Disney video is"  She immediately started crying and screaming at me - No Disney, no Disney...bideo of Daddy!

I popped the first DVD I found in the camcorder and we crawled into her bed.  Only popcorn would have made it more perfect!

And there we were.  2 lonely ladies, watching video of the man they missed the most.  Tears were streaming down my face...but I didn't feel sad.  Don't laugh...but I just felt this warm feeling.  It started in my chest and just burst out to every limb. 

I hate myself for not taking more video of Nic when he was healthy.  Once Eleanor was born, the video turned entirely to her!  But I could hear his voice.  I could see glimpses of him. 

Little glimpses that remind me, confirm, this all happened.  He was real.  Having fun in the backyard together, on a casual afternoon, with our daughter...that was all real.  Extreme and true happiness....I felt it once. 

But not sad.  Crying.  But not sad.  Pain and hurt.  But not sad.

This is what they talk about.  Those stages of grief that no one can explain.  No one can predict.  No one can share.  It's so different for all of us.  This is my path and this is how I'm figuring it out.  This is a new feeling I have.  Is it a step ahead?  Is it a step behind?  No.  It's neither, because that's not grief.  It's just a step in a new direction.  It's a different place than I was in a few weeks ago.  Better?  Worse?  Nope...just grief.  Just learning to live with grief. 

And learning to live with Eleanor and my new favorite bedtime ritual...watching and listening to video of daddy...

The proof is in the pudding

I
was
not
exaggerating

We all know I can be a bit dramatic sometimes...
So I'm happy to report that several people would agree...yesterday sucked!

HOWEVER

That being said...there were some unavoidable problems.  While I agree that the race should have started earlier...and I agree there should have been more water on the Hoan (and a bathroom)...and there could have been more medical assistance when they KNEW it was going to be that hot...the heat could not be controlled.  It's Wisconsin and we ALL know that Sunday could have been 65 and rainy, despite any weather forcast.

So while I actually experienced it and my blistered feet can attest to it...the course was fair....I ran with water.  I knew it was going to be hot.  I really paced myself and walked WAY more than I intended to...but it was hot.  I could cut the air with a knife.  I filled my water bottles with water and never really noticed there was a lack of cups.  I think the fire hose should have been around mile 9.  Many people told me I should have drank more Gateraid...that was not an option as that was all gone at all the stations...but maybe I hsould have used one of my bottles for gateraid...

After the race, we sat and drank 2 bottles of water, each, before moving.  We used bags of ice to help cool off.  And even though we choked them down, we ate pita chips.

Yesterday sucked, but it would not deter me from running that race again. 
It did not deter me from running another 1/2.
Although...I've yet to put on shoes!

It's done...

First of all, oh my gosh, have I really not blogged in that long??  Oops!  It's been kind of crazy lately...really only to get crazier too...

Well, as much as I have to get caught up on, I guess the important thing is this little thing I did today called a 1/2 marathon!

For those of you that have never run one....and for those of you that have....wow...that's crazy intense!

First of all, yesterday I was crazy nervous!  I had this weird feeling of wanting to cry for most of the afternoon.  For no apparent reason.  I was just crazy excited and nervous and highly emotional!  I got to bed around 9 PM after eating the craziest amount of pasta that I have had in a LONG time!

I had a hard time falling asleep, due to nerves...but 6 AM came eventually.

First stop - Shorewood to pick up my fabulous running partner and sister-in-law Gina.  We got down to the race and found ourselves in good company with many newbies.  I was SO scared!  Like that feeling you have before getting on a rollercoaster.  Adrenaline like I've never had. 

We lined up with the 9 minute milers.  We wanted to be pushed, but we wanted to be realistic as well.  We got to see "the Kenyans" take off.  So neat!  They were sprinting!  A 1/2!  Woah! 

We kept on pace with a 9 minute mile over the Hoan Bridge....until our first water stop....then we got separated!  I couldn't believe it - 1.5 into the race and I lost my buddy.  First I stopped to look for her...then ran slow...then thought, crap, what if she's ahead of me, so I sprinted! 

We finally caught up with each other around the 3 mile marker...or the turn around to go back over the Hoan.  We started up the incline again and I told Gina I had to walk...AND I had to go to the bathroom.  We walked for a minute or so and then ran...because if you run up the hill, you get to run down! But at the top of the Hoan we found a bathroom and I HAD to stop.  It took way too long, but I was so happy that we did!  We then ran until the Art Museum when I had to walk again. 

At this point, the sun was beating down on us and I really really thought I was going to puke.  We were still well on our target pace.  But I got cold feet.  I really wanted to quit.  There is no way I thought I was going to finish that thing.

To be honest, we walked A LOT of Lincoln Memorial Drive.  Each time we started running, I thought I was going to puke.  There was NO shade and thank God I ran with my 2 bottle water belt, or Gina and I wouldn't have had cups at the water stations!

Around mile 9 we started seeing people drop.  Paramedics were every where.  We saw people on stretchers, with oxygen, eyes rolling in the back of their heads...It started to get scary.  But we entered park and I TOTALLY got a second wind.  I was ready to rock it out.  We ran through the shade and downhill.  Feeling good!

Then it was Gina's turn.  She got really tired and felt pukey too.  But we had our off times at off moments, so I was able to cheer her through, just like she did for me down LMD.  The next water station we saw had a man down and a yellow flag posted.  As I had read up on all the flag colors, I explained to Gina that it was a moderate risk and we should really watch ourselves...but as I said that, they changed it to Red status.  Red basically meant a heat index over 90 and all non-elite runners should stop running. 

Well, I was at mile 10...there is NO WAY I was going to stop running!  So we took it slow and continued to watch people drop around us.  The very next water station the flag was black.  The race had been called.  Heat indexes over 100....Again...I wasn't stopping now.  We were well off our pace, but still doing well. 

Mile 11 got pretty rough, but then, again, it was down hill and pretty shady.  As we entered Veterans Park, we had all these volunteers YELLING at us to stop running.  The race is closed, no running.  The black flag is up, no running. 

We hit mile 12.  One more to go.  I now wanted to die!  My legs burned and felt like rubber.  We ran past a fire truck blasting water.  I ran though it, thinking I would get a fine mist....Well, it was like running through a down pour and I was soaked.  But happy! 

OH and did I mention my headphones didn't work...so I had no music the entire run!

And now my pants were falling down because they were so wet! 

At this point we ran into my friend Dave and his friend Ruth.  Both of which are very avid runners and training for a little thing called the Iron Man.  They started running the last 1/2 mile with us.  It was nice to have some new motivation and encouragement...but I had to walk again.

Dave pointed out the finish line to us and we started running again.  200 m from the finish we hit a gravel trail that was like running through fire!  The heat hit us like a ton of bricks.  It was the worst part of the race...well, it was bad anyway!

Gina fell back a bit and I turned around to see her puking in a garbage can.  I stopped for her, but Dave told me to just keep running and to finish this.  Great idea.  Dave went back to get Gina and I crossed the line at 2 hours 49 minutes. 

However...my Garmin watch said 2 hours 48 minutes and 13.2 miles.

Crossing the finish line was like running into the beaches of Normandy.  There were seriously people laying every where.  Packed in ice.  Wet towels over them.  They were handing out bags of ice of us.  I stuck my arm shoulder deep into a tub of ice water and immediately felt great!

I caught up with Gina and we breathed a sigh of relief...as people continued to drop around us.   We sat in the grass with bottles of water, bags of ice and pita chips that we choked down.  We couldn't even drink our beer!

We headed home after watching a feel more people fall over from heat exhaustion and I took a 3 hour nap.

My feet are blistered and in pain.  I'm going to loose my toenail.  I won't be able to run for awhile.

But I finished.  In extreme heat, never running more than 6 miles...I finished.

Will I do it again...HECK YEAH.  I'm still on a high.  I feel my pulse in my toe, but I'm on a high.  I may sleep with my medal tonight.

THANK YOU to Gina for running this crazy adventure with me.
THANK YOU to everyone that has encouraged me, motivated me and congratulated me.
It sucked.
It rocked.
I guess that's running....