::Yawn::

I'm exhausted!
I'm sitting on my couch, trying to muster up the energy to move to my bed and just can't seem to be able to do it.  I don't know why...

So I got to thinking...
I got up at 5:00 AM...well, my alarm went off at 5...I think I got up on round 3 at 5:19 AM.
I got ready.
I picked up the house from the night before.
I woke Eleanor up and put her in the car half asleep.
Went to work.
Left work at 4:30.
Went to get Eleanor.
Changed quickly
Got in a (pitiful) 3 mile run.
Made dinner and bathed Eleanor - essentially at the same time.
Showered.
Ate dinner.
Went to a book party (Usbourne! Gotta love it!)
Visited with some great friends that I don't get to see nearly enough :(
Walked home.
Walked back to party because I forgot my phone
Walked back home.
Read stories.
Put E to sleep.
Cleaned fridge.
Emptied garbage.
Cut Strawberries before yet another container goes bad in my fridge.
Picked up house for 2nd time today...got to living room to pick up...saw computer...sat down...haven't gotten back up.

Ooohhhhh, that's why I'm tired!  If only I could get up off the couch and get to my bed...maybe a little shut eye on the couch won't be the worst thing in the world.

Weekend Update

So this is what it feels like to stay home for more than 24 hours!

But I must say...I'm still exhausted.

I have a little over 7 loads of laundry washed, dried and put away.  The sad thing is, after 2 days of clothes wearing between baby E and I, the hamper is getting full again.

I have ALL the ironing in my house done.

I have most of baby E's clothes sorted, stacked and either put away or in a very large "to be tagged" pile.  Her room "should" only consist of clothes that actually and legitimately fit. 

Some how, my kitchen is still a mess.
My checkbook is still unbalanced.
The front room looks like a bomb went off.
And I am EXHAUSTED!  I was just on the phone with my mom and I feel so tired I couldn't even talk...well...I didn't even want to talk.  Which is sad!

Baby E and I staid in our pajamas until 1/2 time of the Packer Game.  As plans often do when a toddler is involved, our plans for today changed and we made the most of the laziest of Sundays.  We actually sat in her bed for 1 hour just reading books and playing with her "lovies". 

I have also managed to instill the greatest fear of "The nukie fairy" in my child.  I've been talking a lot about the Nukie Fairy, letting Eleanor know that the fairy will come and take her nuk.  The nuks go to all the new babies and, in exchange, Eleanor will get a "big girl toy".  Well, Eleanor immediately started crying.  "Can't the Nukie Fairy leave me just one?"  "Why can't I have just one?"  Then she smiled and whispered, "What about the one in the car?"  Nope, E, the nukie fairy will take them all.  Later this weekend Eleanor looked at me and said, "I have an idea!  We can hide from the Nukie Fairy!"  Poor kid!  She's still thinking of ways to outsmart the Nukie Fairy.  I did have to tell her that the Nukie Fairy is very beautiful with curly blonde hair, an ice blue dress with silver sparkles and a silver sparkly wand.  I may have been describing Glinda the Good...but, whatever!  So, we'll see about that Nukie Fairy. 

And, just for the record, I love my daughter.  I do.  But she can exhaust me!  "Play with me mommy." "Look at me mommy" "come here mommy".  And the whining!  Oh my gosh!  I just can't stand it sometimes.  I'll have to ask her sometimes, "Why are you whining?!"  "I don't know" she whines back!  I know it's a 2 year old thing and I know it's a girl thing.  I know I was just like it.  I know I still can be like that...but for the love of Pete kid!  Give a single mom a break!!

So I think baby E and I have had our fill of each other to make going to work tomorrow seem pretty darn good!

So, while I still have 50 million things I could do around the house.  I'm going to be thankful for the things that we accomplished.  And thankful for a great weekend!  Hope yours was equally enjoyable!

Open Letter

*Small digression, first*  When I was engaged and planning my our wedding, I spent a lot of time on The Knot.  Oh geez, don't even get some people started about "The knot".  We were "knotties", we had GTG and I learned really fun things like NFT, GFY, TIA and, my favorite, Open Letters.  OH and I got some good wedding advice too!

So.  Here is MY open letter.

Dear People that Just Don't Get It,

My husband passed away.  You can say that to me.  It's a fact.  It happened.  It's not a secret.  It's not a bad word. 

It hurts like hell.  It hurts like the worst pain you could ever imagine.  Imagine, try to imagine the person that you have loved more deeply and more fully than anyone you have ever loved before getting taken away from you. Imagine staring at that person's picture until you feel that stab in your heart and the hot tears roll down your check. You do this just so you can remember it was all real. That he existed. The love existed. For one small moment in your life you were someone's life. They were yours. You stare at the picture until you hurt SO bad inside. Until you remember exactly how you felt when they told you to go into the basement so you didn't see the hearse pull up and take your husband from your home. The place he belonged.

And imagine was it was like to wake up the next day...and every day after that. Imagine making the choice between two, and only two, options. You could stay in bed and die. Or. You could get up. You could breath. You could feel air fill your lungs. You could hug and kiss the people you still loved and were still around. You could laugh until your side hurt. You could smell a rose on the faintest summer breeze. You could smell fall approaching . You could smell rain and you wouldn't care that you and your daughter would get soaking wet as you played in it. You could live.

The decision is simple.

You live your life because your life - the person that was your life - no longer exists.

And THAT, my friends, THAT is how you go on after your life gets taken from you. You live every day for them. For YOU. Because you can.

Let's get something straight. I didn't die the day Nic did. I held his hand and promised him I would live. And I have changed, immensely, since Nic's death. There is very little of me that exists in the same way I used to.  But I like who I am.

I live a fuller life. I laugh deeper, love harder and wish more. I don't pick up the kitchen right after dinner because I know time with my daughter is more important. I don't fold my clothes because...well...because I don't really care. I get the oil changed in my car when I'm supposed to because...well...I'm supposed to. And I sit at my computer and drink wine when I should be in bed under my wonderful down comforter.

And I'm sad. I'm sad because the person I am today is EXACTLY the person Nic tried SO hard to get me to become.

And I'm happy. I'm happy because the person I am today is EXACTLY the person Nic tried SO hard to get me to become. And I get to live with that every day and it's like living with him.

Don't pity me. We all have our days. Maybe you didn't loose your husband, but maybe you lost a sibling, a child, a parent. Hell, maybe you lost a dog, a cat, a goldfish. Maybe you lost a job, a book deal, a big part in a movie. Maybe you lost the lottery. It's YOUR life and that is important to YOU. I'm not any better, worse or different than anyone else.

I'm just better then the me I used to be.

I'm better, happier, healthier, more unorganized, more distracted. I cry easier (I KNOW! could you ever have thought it was possible?!) and I rinse my dishes out after lunch.

And I don't need to prove it to anyone. Even if I sit and babble at my computer on a Friday night after too much pizza and not even close to enough wine. Even if it seems...just a little...like I"m justifying myself, my life, and my mood.

I'm just.

I'm just typing an open letter.

X O

You were where??

White Sand, Blue Water, Blue Sky....Was I in Heaven?

Was I on a movie set?

It does look kind of fake!

Are those diamonds on the water?

Yes, it had to be a fake movie set!

For years I have listened to my friend (Lindsey) talk about this little town called, South Haven, Michigan.   She has claimed it's wonderful and beautiful and all that and a cup of sugar.  Well, being obsessed with another small town (my hometown) I thought, suuurrrrreeee, I bet this "South Haven" place is really great.

Well, great it was!  Lindsey's future in-laws allowed us to stay at their beach front condo for the weekend for a little R and R before Lindsey's big wedding day!  It was like a fake little town.  I wish I would have brought my bigger camera into the town with us during the day. There were some great photo opp.s! 

A short 2.5 hours from Chicago, it's a trip I hope I get to take again!  There was plenty of R and R...and some S's in there too (shopping and sun!)

A great time was had by all....but let me tell you...I am SO excited to be staying home this weekend!  My "To Do" list is 10 miles long....can't play ALL the time!  

A pretty good tell-all picture of the weekend: beer, candy, cheetos and sunglasses!

I just really liked this picture of Tori on the beach!

This should be my new blog signature!

Another Great Weekend!

My weekend started pretty typically - a Friday night at Ray and Diane's. Saturday started with a leisure walk downtown 'burg for breakfast with Di and E, the farmer's market and then to "Great" Grandma and Grandpa Terrones' to celebrate their 69th wedding anniversary!

Can you believe it?! 69 years of marriage! I think it's so incredible. Inspiring. And I'm a little jealous! Nic and I would have totally made it to 69 years!

I couldn't help sit back and just observe the two of them and pretend it was Nic and I.

Saturday night I ended up back at Ray and Diane's. My sister, et al, came into town on the spur of the moment to celebrate Ray's birthday. Dinner was (predictably) late...so Eleanor and I spent yet another night at Ray and Diane's.

Yesterday morning we hurried back to our house to get ready for...yet another party! We headed up to Freedom (seems appropriate for Labor Day) for the Prosser Annual Labor Day Party! A great time with college friends!

This morning (morning came too quickly!) we made a quick stop at Bay Beach...Eleanor was SO incredibly over tired that she was NOT a fan of the rides. We spent most of our time getting in a ride, getting near hysterics and hurrying to get out so they could start the ride for everyone else. I think she could have really liked it, but again, fatigue was the controlling force here.

We came home, ran grocery shopping, made dinner, bathed and she is officially asleep just a hair after 7!

I now need to upload 17 million pictures to snapfish, to take advantage of their fab. sale and then I'm off to bed myself. This weekend has left me exhausted and I need to quickly refuel the batteries before another long weekend!

I leave you with this one story....
Last night Eleanor and I were playing in the basement with one of our friend's, friend's son. Max (I believe was his name) was trying his 3 year old hardest to make conversation with us.
"My mom's here" he said to me. Eleanor and I responded with something like I'm her mom and that's really great. We kept playing trains.
Then he said, "My dad's here too". "Great" I wanted to respond, my breath stuck in my throat. But instead he continued on. "Where's your dad?" he asked Eleanor. I'm choking back tears and Eleanor looks at him like he's crazy. "My dad not here. My dad at the dance party". She seriously gave him a look like, "My dad's the luckiest dad in the world. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world."

So...she handled it perfectly. Me...not so well. A question she is going to have to deal with for the rest of her life. And she just proved to me that she's OK and she's ready for the question. She's strong enough to just tell it like it is and move on.

Yup. My little girl is amazing and rocks my world on a daily basis.