Some final updates on "the girls"

It's happening. I have made the decision to start weaning Eleanor. After 2 HORRIFIC months and 2 better months of nursing, I'm stopping. The choice is partially mine. It's just too hard to pump at work. First of all, it's horribly awkward. I dare you, ladies, to lift up your shirt in your office and let the girls look around. If someone walked in, I haven't decided what would be worse for them to see...The ladies in their glory or my post-baby belly hanging over my pants! Oh the agony!
Second, I just don't have a consistent schedule at work. One day I'm here, the next day I'm there. And if I'm not here, I don't have a private place to pump. Sometimes I'm in back to back interviews or meetings ALL day (yes, all day). The other day this happened to me and my "Lily Padz" must not have been on tight enough and I started nursing Eleanor, without Eleanor, in the middle of my interview!! (AKA, I was leaking!) I don't think my candidate noticed, since I was wearing black, but I still felt embarrassed.

For those of you that WERE able to pump at work, I salute you. For those of you that WERE able to nurse a year, I stand up and applaud you. I struggled through 4 months and I am giving myself a gold star. It's SO tough.

But...stopping is just as difficult as starting! Two nights ago, a rare thing happened. Eleanor slept from 7:30 - 1:30 AM. Nic got up to give her a bottle. Then she slept from 1:30 AM - 6:00 AM. I woke up with a chest that put Dolly Parton to shame! Not to mention, that achy engorged feeling took over my body. (Engorgement feeling is not to be confused with Swine Flu feeling).

I love knowing that I provided the best nutrition possible for Eleanor for 4 months. Do I wish I could do more? Yes. Is my decision partly selfish? Yes, I believe so. But I'm proud of myself for sticking with it during the pain, tears and frustration. I'm proud I lasted this long. I could make this work, some how. But my supply decreases a little each week and it's hard to know if E is getting enough.

Once I'm done with nursing, we'll give her formula for a few weeks and then....it's time for solids! My little baby is growing up so fast. As much as this decision is mine, it's still hard. I still go back and forth. But now I've made my decision and I'm sticking to it.

And let's be honest...you all are a little tired of reading about my boobs!

I did it!

I cut Eleanor and made her bleed!

Eleanor has the most amazing nails - ever! I wish mine looked as good as hers. However, I have control over my hands, she typically does not. Thus resulting in various scrapes, cuts and gouges (how do you spell that word?) on her face and even legs. Typically, I wait until she is asleep and then I take a fingernail file and file the little guys down to a respectable length.

A few problems with this:

• I am not around Eleanor as much as I used to be. Typically, the only time she is sleeping around me is when I have put her down for the night and I'm too scared she'll wake up.
• My fingernail file is getting a little dull. So now I am trying to file the finger of a 3 month old with a dull file. Her hand is everywhere and she gets so mad at me for trying to hold it still.
• I have lost my patience. Those suckers are long. It takes a long time to file and I could do it a few times a week!

So I decided I could cut them with the baby fingernail clippers. The first time I tried I used the big Bumble Bee clippers that I registered for. They were pretty awkward and I was too scared to make the actual clip, so I quit.

Today, I tried the Safety First basic white clippers. I made a clip, holding my breath the whole time. Not bad! But...I didn't get the entire nail, cutting on an angle and actually making the weapon (aka her nail) more lethal! So I went for a little more nail, oh so carefully, pulling the handle so slowly. I felt the resistance and I looked at her little face. Just like when she got her first shot. She just stared at me! "What the heck was that. I didn't like it" Face. It was horrible. I wanted to start crying immediately, but instead I grabbed her finger, put my finger over the little drop of blood (well, it looked like a gushing geyser to me!) and smiled at her and in my best, most funniest voice said, "All done!" and tried to get her to smile. Her attention span is short - she won't remember - right? I quick scooped her up and showered her with kisses and hugs. I felt terrible! I kept looking at her finger. (**Random Thought - These are the most disgusting Sweet Potatoes I have ever had**)

I dropped her off at the sitter and told her the story of my morning, just in case Eleanor acted any differently or if her finger turned blue and fell off or if it wouldn't start bleeding and may require stitches! "I did the same thing to my son!" was her reaction. (Why does this comment never make me feel better?!) All the same, this is why I love my daycare provider. A mom with 23 years of experience raising her own children and 23 years of childcare experience.

So maybe E's finger won't fall off and maybe it won't need stitches, but all the same, I'm going to buy a new finger nail file and never clip her nails again!

Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor...

First let me start this out by saying, I wonder how long I can keep this up for? This, meaning daily blogging!

Just so you don't think that the rest of my family has gone missing, this entry is not going to be about Eleanor. It will be about Nic (and a few other random thoughts).

Nic had his first MRI today since the surgery. I can't say that I'm SUPER excited about the results, but I'll let you decide. Dr. Robins detected "something" (according to Nic) on the MRI. He "isn't worried". "It could be from Radiation or scar tissue". They won't really know until his next MRI which isn't until June. Dr. Robins isn't worried. Nic isn't worried. So...I can't be worried? I asked Nic why he waited to tell me this until he got home. "In case I needed a hug when [he] told me" was his answer. Why is my husband the one going through brain cancer, but I'm the one that is being supported? Why is my husband the one going through brain cancer, but he's the one that is strong. Why is my husband going through brain cancer and I'm the one that wants to stand up and scream THIS ISN"T FAIR! Why is my husband going through brain cancer. PERIOD. Period. Why? Maybe I'm over tired. I can usually be so strong about this. I try to be as strong as Nic, but tonight I'm just pissed. My husband is the most amazing man in the whole world. You are lucky to know him, luckier to call him a friend and the luckiest to call him your husband (ha ha, I'm the luckiest!) He'll drive you nuts, really he will, but beyond that, I wouldn't return him or exchange him. Why does he have to go through this? Let it be over already. He's too good for this.

OK, now that I'm done feeling sorry for him and for myself, let me please repeat that Dr. Robbins is not concerned. Nic has had three brain surgeries...there is bound to be something "not right" (my words, not the doctor's) with his MRI. I'll trust the doctor on this one. God knows I'm not one! We've trusted them with Nic's life on the operating table, during radiation and during chemo...I guess I'll keep trusting them! I just ask for your continued prayers. We've been through so much, but we still have some roads to travel!

Argh...I hate to depress my one reader...so let me digress a little. I've been reading some other blogs recently and I have a few complaints about mine. First of all, how do people get these really cool backgrounds? They are all blogspot blogs, but they have really different neat backgrounds. Not the typical boring ones that blogspot has to offer. I need to figure that out.

Second of all, how do you link with words? For example, when I post information about Nic's chemo I wish I could say, "Cenu" and have it turn blue with an underline and then you could click on it and be directed to the website. When I try to link, it puts the actual web address in my blog. I'm so 19th century. I just don't get it. If you know how to do this...can you tell me?

Now I'm going to end with a picture of Eleanor. Whenever I am sad, she always cheers me up. I've recently started introducing her to some of her toys. She thinks they are all so funny! The Terrones Family is OK. I'm sorry if I seemed down tonight. I know this is all good news and everything is going to be OK. I just needed to vent a little. Thank you, I feel better.

I'm waiting...

I thought this was supposed to get easier...dropping her off at daycare. I feel more sad today than I have any other day. I started crying on the phone with my mom!

Each day she is more alert. Each day she changes more. Each day I love her more...how did I think it was going to get easier? Coming back to work has been pretty easy. I like working and I like my work. It's so weird to think this whole world went on without me for 3 months. Then you come back and everyone expects you to just pick up where they left off on Friday. But, for the most part, everyone has been really patient and understanding.

I just can't leave her. I hate it. So when "they" said it gets easier, exactly when did "they" mean it gets easier? Remember - I don't have a lot of patience!

Sleepy Jean

Cheer up sleepy Jean....

Eleanor does not need cheering up...but she is a sleepy Jean. Really - why won't this girl sleep? She isn't fussy or angry when she doesn't sleep, she just doesn't sleep. It's a battle. We rock her, put her in her crib and eyes WIDE open. You can think she's sound asleep and you look down and there she is - staring at you!

Yesterday we tried the age old - let them cry. I read a book that children, infants especially, need to learn how to calm themselves. So we let her cry it out. For 12 or so minutes, Eleanor cried in her crib, I cried in the living room and Nic emptied the dishwasher (thinking the entire time that the women in his life are crazy!) Finally, I ran in there. I couldn't handle listening to her scream, just because she was tired. The minute I picked her up, she stopped. I got her to sleep, put her in the crib and two minutes later it started all over again.

So I did what every great mother does in that situation. I put on my coat, grabbed my keys and said, "Nic, fix it!" :) I came home 45 minutes later for an update. "H-E-Double Hockey sticks" is how he described it.

I really don't get mad at her when she doesn't sleep. It's just this deep frustration that I can't help my baby. But let me tell you one thing...

Last night we went to my parents for dinner. Grandma Schroeder tried and tried to get Eleanor to sleep. Eleanor tried and tried to fight it. She screamed, cried real tears and wrestled away from Grandma. I finally went to help, put Eleanor in my arms and she stopped crying. Which is weird because she does spend a lot of time with Grandma Schroeder and I know this isn't something I should really be thankful for. But since I've only had her for three months, I do appreciate that I have that ability, that ability to not really do anything and still calm her down. That my touch, scent and sound are so familiar to her, so comfortable to her, that she can relax. I know the longer I give into that, the worse it will get. But for now...I think I'm just going to give into it. Parenting can be such a challenge and that is one of the rewards. I deserve a reward, right?! :)

I guess I better get going. It's 8:16 AM and Nic and I are going to try and take our two girls to church today. Nothing like starting on Palm Sunday!

My new year's resolution

OK, so it's not January and we are not welcoming a new year, but forgive me...the first part of this year really slipped by me!

I'm resolving to write more posts. I know - you've heard this story before. But really, I want to try. I have other blogs that I follow and I love the updates. So I'm assuming, the one or two followers that I have, would like updates too!

So...wish me luck!