I have several things to say....but above all else...know this...I LOVE this girl. Look at that face...the excitement. The innocence. The curiosity. Love her!
31 Easy, Funny DIY Halloween Costumes
5 years ago
Monday, January 30, 2012
Princess Eleanor
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Snow much fun!
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| She came... |
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| She saw... |
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| SHE CONQUERED! |
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| Add caption |
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| The teeniest ski boot! |
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
5 weeks
I got my hair cut tonight.
As I was paying, I asked to schedule my next appointment.
5 weeks.
February 22.
Really?
5 weeks, to the day? That's how it works?
Do you realize what today is?
January 18.
Today is the day my world came to a screeching halt.
52 weeks ago.
And it's amazing how it effects you.
Amazing.
I honestly feel sick to my stomach.
It's a pit.
My legs ache.
My arms ache.
And my heart.
Oh that ache. That ache that it hasn't felt in awhile.
Weird.
I went to the cemetary tonight.
Weird.
Funny how 52 weeks ago I said it wouldn't matter and now I love that place.
In the dark.
In the cold, dark, silence that is a winter night.
I love that place.
I laughed today.
I concentrated.
I had meetings and I was productive at work.
I lived.
But underneath it all.
I felt it.
Baby Eleanor woke up this morning and said the same thing she says to me every morning.
I slept good in my comfy bed.
Someone was in my dreams.
Daddy.
Daddy was in my dream.
We were eating breakfast.
And she doesn't say Daddy every time. Usually it's Grandma or Jakob or Aunt Melissa or Patty. But Daddy's only a special occurrence. So I know it's true.
And right there. There's my proof that I made it.
That baby E and I made it.
52 weeks ago.
And I can't believe it took me 47 weeks to figure out it was exactly 5 weeks after we were given 2 months.
I lived a lifetime in those 5 weeks.
And yet they were the fastest 5 weeks of my life.
I wonder what they will feel like this year?
As I was paying, I asked to schedule my next appointment.
5 weeks.
February 22.
Really?
5 weeks, to the day? That's how it works?
Do you realize what today is?
January 18.
Today is the day my world came to a screeching halt.
52 weeks ago.
And it's amazing how it effects you.
Amazing.
I honestly feel sick to my stomach.
It's a pit.
My legs ache.
My arms ache.
And my heart.
Oh that ache. That ache that it hasn't felt in awhile.
Weird.
I went to the cemetary tonight.
Weird.
Funny how 52 weeks ago I said it wouldn't matter and now I love that place.
In the dark.
In the cold, dark, silence that is a winter night.
I love that place.
I laughed today.
I concentrated.
I had meetings and I was productive at work.
I lived.
But underneath it all.
I felt it.
Baby Eleanor woke up this morning and said the same thing she says to me every morning.
I slept good in my comfy bed.
Someone was in my dreams.
Daddy.
Daddy was in my dream.
We were eating breakfast.
And she doesn't say Daddy every time. Usually it's Grandma or Jakob or Aunt Melissa or Patty. But Daddy's only a special occurrence. So I know it's true.
And right there. There's my proof that I made it.
That baby E and I made it.
52 weeks ago.
And I can't believe it took me 47 weeks to figure out it was exactly 5 weeks after we were given 2 months.
I lived a lifetime in those 5 weeks.
And yet they were the fastest 5 weeks of my life.
I wonder what they will feel like this year?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sticking to it...
Parenting sucks tonight. I'm listening to my child cry and scream for me and I refuse to go up there because I told her I wouldn't go up there anymore because she called for me 700 times tonight.
First she wanted the door open - which defeats the purpose of running a humidifier!
Hallway light on.
My pajamas itch me.
Then sometimes I just needed to go up there because I heard the pitter patter of little feet.
She opened her door even further.
One time I don't know what she was doing.
The last time she told me her water was yucky. What does that even mean?
So I told her that's it. No more. It's night night time. I'm not coming up. You aren't getting out. That's that.
So...the way I figure it...if she REALLY wanted something, she would have called what she wanted. She would have gotten out of bed. Or she wouldn't have cried herself to sleep.
I don't think this makes me a bad parent - right? I mean. Half of what she does is just to test me anyway. I HAVE to show her I mean what I say...right? Crap.
I'm going to check on her...
First she wanted the door open - which defeats the purpose of running a humidifier!
Hallway light on.
My pajamas itch me.
Then sometimes I just needed to go up there because I heard the pitter patter of little feet.
She opened her door even further.
One time I don't know what she was doing.
The last time she told me her water was yucky. What does that even mean?
So I told her that's it. No more. It's night night time. I'm not coming up. You aren't getting out. That's that.
So...the way I figure it...if she REALLY wanted something, she would have called what she wanted. She would have gotten out of bed. Or she wouldn't have cried herself to sleep.
I don't think this makes me a bad parent - right? I mean. Half of what she does is just to test me anyway. I HAVE to show her I mean what I say...right? Crap.
I'm going to check on her...
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Happy Birthday, Nicolas
Today my husband turns 32.
We had a great birthday party for him.
The only problem, is that he "wasn't there".
In the days leading up to Nic's birthday, I thought I was doing pretty good. We had a nice day planned and, well, Nic never really liked his birthday anyway. I had a few really good days leading up to his birthday, so imagine my surprise when I couldn't shake my anger on Saturday.
I couldn't shake my frustration.
I was just plain irritable.
My run sucked. So I didn't even really get to clear my mind.
Eleanor and I were going to my in-laws to spend the night and - surprise, surprise - I was running late.
I needed to go to Walgreen's to pick up pictures and I wanted to go to Pick N Save to get a balloon to take to Nic.
Do you have a toddler? Do you know how much of an energy drain it can be to run several errands with a toddler? In and out of the car. In and out of the cart. Momma I want this. Momma look at this. Momma what's this? I thought about skipping the balloon, Nic would understand - right? Well, that's just plain lazy. I can't even run one more errand to take a balloon to my poor husband who is celebrating his 32 birthday in heaven? Yeesh, I'm a horrible person.
So, back into the car we went....only to drive a few feet up the hill to Pick n Save (And YES, walking there from Walgreen's would have been FAR WORSE). We picked out a nice balloon that said, "Happy Birthday, Dad!" and OF COURSE, the woman at the register kept telling us how we had to tell Dad to have a good birthday and she hopes he has a good birthday and how nice it was that we got him a balloon. SHUT UP LADY! I SOOOOOO wanted to look at her and say, "He's dead. We are taking this to the cemetery." But given that I already made the banker cry when I paid my property taxes, I decided that my foul mood shouldn't get the best of me. Instead we walked away and I made a joke to Eleanor about how we'd do the best we could to tell daddy to have a great birthday, but it might be a little hard.
We got into the car and I was so ready to snap something in half! And then....I laughed.
I have GOT to realize that these days have far more impact on me then I want them to. I need to acknowledge how pissed I am that I have to go to the cemetery to say Happy Birthday to my husband. I need to acknowledge that the day is going to suck and just go with the flow, rather than trying to put on that stupid stiff upper lip. I must look ridiculous trying to pull that off.
So, E and I took our balloon to Nic. I sat on the ground while Eleanor did her normal route around Nic's "neighbors". E came back to find me crying, "Oh mom." she sighed, "Don't be sad". We sang Happy Birthday and then Eleanor told me we had to give Daddy kisses. And there she was, blowing kisses toward the sky. "Happy Birthday, Daddy!" "I love you, Daddy!".
Damn that kid is amazing!
We got in the car and left. And I wasn't crabby anymore.
We had a great night with the in-laws. I continued to take over Jolene's wedding. And E and I broke the bed (not really...and it's a long story...but it was quite the shock at 2 AM!)
Today we all went to church and celebrated with a fest of Tortillas, Beans, Rice and Pork Chops. We did shots of Tequila. We sang Happy Birthday. We ate cupcakes.
There really weren't even many tears. Like it was normal that we were all together, celebrating Nic's birthday. There were a lot of stories. There were many laughs. There were a lot of hugs. But it was still a celebration.
Thanksgiving really kicked it off. It kicked off this season that didn't end with the holidays. We keep rollin through huge milestones. Nic's birthday and now....now....now the months of hell just begin. The days leading up to the moment my life unraveled.
And I'm scared.
Anyone that has been through this says the first anniversary is very hard. No matter what you do. Crap - what if they are right? What if even I can't smile my way through this one? What if I can't be strong enough for this one?
Again, I'm happy. I'm in a good place. And I love who I have become as a result of my incredible relationship with Nic. But what I can't control is living in the past. Having my mind take me right back to that moment. Right back to the sights, the smells and the intense emotions that are the next fewmonths weeks. I can't escape those ghosts. And I have a feeling, they will take control of me. Or that they COULD take control of me.
Another homily was said directly to me today. The priest was talking about how the Christmas season is now technically/officially over - today we celebrated the Epiphany. But, as Christians, what are we going to do about that? Put away the decorations and celebrate our Christianity next Christmas? Or are we going to celebrate all year through? We don't need to talk about God or to preach the gospel to celebrate Christianity. Or to be a "good" Christian. We could smile at someone that is having a bad day. We could do something positive. We could just try to be a better person.
And I'm not comparing NicNic every day for him to know I miss him or that I'm thinking about him. I don't need to keep every article of clothing and keep every picture framed for the world to know he was here. He was mine. I do that in how I behave. How I act. How I laugh. How I Love. Again - my every breath is a testament to the time Nic spent on earth. The fight Nic had. That incredible, never fail, never give up, fight.
So...I'm not even really sure what I'm talking about anymore. But that's how I feel. SO many things going through my mind. Thoughts slipping out of my fingers as we inch through January and toward February. As we inch toward my New Year's Eve.
We had a great birthday party for him.
The only problem, is that he "wasn't there".
In the days leading up to Nic's birthday, I thought I was doing pretty good. We had a nice day planned and, well, Nic never really liked his birthday anyway. I had a few really good days leading up to his birthday, so imagine my surprise when I couldn't shake my anger on Saturday.
I couldn't shake my frustration.
I was just plain irritable.
My run sucked. So I didn't even really get to clear my mind.
Eleanor and I were going to my in-laws to spend the night and - surprise, surprise - I was running late.
I needed to go to Walgreen's to pick up pictures and I wanted to go to Pick N Save to get a balloon to take to Nic.
Do you have a toddler? Do you know how much of an energy drain it can be to run several errands with a toddler? In and out of the car. In and out of the cart. Momma I want this. Momma look at this. Momma what's this? I thought about skipping the balloon, Nic would understand - right? Well, that's just plain lazy. I can't even run one more errand to take a balloon to my poor husband who is celebrating his 32 birthday in heaven? Yeesh, I'm a horrible person.
So, back into the car we went....only to drive a few feet up the hill to Pick n Save (And YES, walking there from Walgreen's would have been FAR WORSE). We picked out a nice balloon that said, "Happy Birthday, Dad!" and OF COURSE, the woman at the register kept telling us how we had to tell Dad to have a good birthday and she hopes he has a good birthday and how nice it was that we got him a balloon. SHUT UP LADY! I SOOOOOO wanted to look at her and say, "He's dead. We are taking this to the cemetery." But given that I already made the banker cry when I paid my property taxes, I decided that my foul mood shouldn't get the best of me. Instead we walked away and I made a joke to Eleanor about how we'd do the best we could to tell daddy to have a great birthday, but it might be a little hard.
We got into the car and I was so ready to snap something in half! And then....I laughed.
I have GOT to realize that these days have far more impact on me then I want them to. I need to acknowledge how pissed I am that I have to go to the cemetery to say Happy Birthday to my husband. I need to acknowledge that the day is going to suck and just go with the flow, rather than trying to put on that stupid stiff upper lip. I must look ridiculous trying to pull that off.
So, E and I took our balloon to Nic. I sat on the ground while Eleanor did her normal route around Nic's "neighbors". E came back to find me crying, "Oh mom." she sighed, "Don't be sad". We sang Happy Birthday and then Eleanor told me we had to give Daddy kisses. And there she was, blowing kisses toward the sky. "Happy Birthday, Daddy!" "I love you, Daddy!".
Damn that kid is amazing!
We got in the car and left. And I wasn't crabby anymore.
We had a great night with the in-laws. I continued to take over Jolene's wedding. And E and I broke the bed (not really...and it's a long story...but it was quite the shock at 2 AM!)
Today we all went to church and celebrated with a fest of Tortillas, Beans, Rice and Pork Chops. We did shots of Tequila. We sang Happy Birthday. We ate cupcakes.
There really weren't even many tears. Like it was normal that we were all together, celebrating Nic's birthday. There were a lot of stories. There were many laughs. There were a lot of hugs. But it was still a celebration.
Thanksgiving really kicked it off. It kicked off this season that didn't end with the holidays. We keep rollin through huge milestones. Nic's birthday and now....now....now the months of hell just begin. The days leading up to the moment my life unraveled.
And I'm scared.
Anyone that has been through this says the first anniversary is very hard. No matter what you do. Crap - what if they are right? What if even I can't smile my way through this one? What if I can't be strong enough for this one?
Again, I'm happy. I'm in a good place. And I love who I have become as a result of my incredible relationship with Nic. But what I can't control is living in the past. Having my mind take me right back to that moment. Right back to the sights, the smells and the intense emotions that are the next few
Another homily was said directly to me today. The priest was talking about how the Christmas season is now technically/officially over - today we celebrated the Epiphany. But, as Christians, what are we going to do about that? Put away the decorations and celebrate our Christianity next Christmas? Or are we going to celebrate all year through? We don't need to talk about God or to preach the gospel to celebrate Christianity. Or to be a "good" Christian. We could smile at someone that is having a bad day. We could do something positive. We could just try to be a better person.
And I'm not comparing NicNic every day for him to know I miss him or that I'm thinking about him. I don't need to keep every article of clothing and keep every picture framed for the world to know he was here. He was mine. I do that in how I behave. How I act. How I laugh. How I Love. Again - my every breath is a testament to the time Nic spent on earth. The fight Nic had. That incredible, never fail, never give up, fight.
So...I'm not even really sure what I'm talking about anymore. But that's how I feel. SO many things going through my mind. Thoughts slipping out of my fingers as we inch through January and toward February. As we inch toward my New Year's Eve.
Monday, January 2, 2012
I'm a slave...
...to technology.
I have friends that have several TV shows they just love to watch.
After a long day, they sit on the couch and stare, mindlessly at a TV show.
They get lost in the lives of pretend people on TV.
Me?
My mindless, end of day relaxing strategy?
The internet.
Now, I suppose, I could multi-task and find a nice mindless TV show to put on in the background...but then I could not provide the internet with my total and complete attention.
I mean, seriously...I can get sucked in for hours!
Sometimes, I think...why did I put Eleanor to bed? What do I need to get done?
Nothing.
I just want to go online.
I'm a slave to Facebook.
Creepin' all over other people's business.
I'm a slave to Pinterest.
Tagging crafts I WILL (and have) made.
Planning my sister-in-law's beachy wedding.
I'm a slave to Gmail and the 500 million ads I get.
So I can check sales at Gap, Banana, Children's Place, Disney, Carter's, Kohl's and on and on and on.
I'm like a 90 year old woman that just discovered the internet!
I've got crap to do! I can't spend my nights on my netbook or downstairs in my basement.
It's just....the Christmas cards are done. The decorations were all put up and now are slowly being taken down. The parties are all planned and over. The Thank You cards are in the mail. Now what? For the last month or so, I have been a slave to a holiday and now....FREE TIME!
So...for a few nights...I'm going to enjoy my mindless, life sucking hobby. I can be productive some other time. We all need some time to just check out.
And if you prefer the mindless activity of TV watching - I need a good (non-cable) TV show suggestion. Eventually I want to start scapbooking Eleanor's baby book again...and I need something good on in the background!
I have friends that have several TV shows they just love to watch.
After a long day, they sit on the couch and stare, mindlessly at a TV show.
They get lost in the lives of pretend people on TV.
Me?
My mindless, end of day relaxing strategy?
The internet.
Now, I suppose, I could multi-task and find a nice mindless TV show to put on in the background...but then I could not provide the internet with my total and complete attention.
I mean, seriously...I can get sucked in for hours!
Sometimes, I think...why did I put Eleanor to bed? What do I need to get done?
Nothing.
I just want to go online.
I'm a slave to Facebook.
Creepin' all over other people's business.
I'm a slave to Pinterest.
Tagging crafts I WILL (and have) made.
Planning my sister-in-law's beachy wedding.
I'm a slave to Gmail and the 500 million ads I get.
So I can check sales at Gap, Banana, Children's Place, Disney, Carter's, Kohl's and on and on and on.
I'm like a 90 year old woman that just discovered the internet!
I've got crap to do! I can't spend my nights on my netbook or downstairs in my basement.
It's just....the Christmas cards are done. The decorations were all put up and now are slowly being taken down. The parties are all planned and over. The Thank You cards are in the mail. Now what? For the last month or so, I have been a slave to a holiday and now....FREE TIME!
So...for a few nights...I'm going to enjoy my mindless, life sucking hobby. I can be productive some other time. We all need some time to just check out.
And if you prefer the mindless activity of TV watching - I need a good (non-cable) TV show suggestion. Eventually I want to start scapbooking Eleanor's baby book again...and I need something good on in the background!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy 2012!
01-01-2012.
I'm feeling nostalgic.
So I did it.
I looked at the pictures from last New Year's Eve.
What a difference a year makes! Can you believe it? It's impossible for me to believe.
And yet...yet, it's like he's been standing here all along.
And as hard as it is to look at those pictures and to realize he's gone. It's just as incredible to look at pictures of Eleanor and see a little baby. Now I have a girl. A kid.
So what does 2012 have to offer? I feel like anything has to be better than 2011...but in the same breath, I acknowledge that I won't have Nic for any part of 2012. At least he was there in 2011.
Don't get me wrong. I'm in a good place. About as great of a place as one can be, having lost her husband at age 30. It has completely altered who I was. And who I want to be.
And if I have just one resolution for 2012...it's to embrace the new me that I am. I can't want for things to be the way they were. They never will be. I can't want to feel like I did before. Because I never will. I can't want for normal. To feel normal. Because there is a new normal. I can't wish to not be a "widow". To not grieve. Because I am and I do. And I always will be and I always will.
I have a few tough months coming. So while the new year is great and all...I feel like I can't really resolve, or whatever, until I make it through MY year. Until I can't look back anymore and say, "A year ago this" or "a year ago that".
So while I threw up confetti last night and blew my horn. I'm not really in a new year yet. I'm still constrained by "My first year as a widow". My first year without my husband.
So maybe I look forward to February 22 more. Maybe, that night, at midnight, I throw confetti in the air and blow my horn and look forward to the future. Maybe that night, I drink champagne and think about all the amazing accomplishments of the year.
Oops. This entry took an odd twist. But...that's life, right? That's what it does. Odd twists and we just keep going with the flow. And...dang it...it's my blog and it is what it is. And, I guess, this is my New Year's post.
So, Happy New Year. And ::Cheers:: to a new year...but I'm just going to tiptoe into this new year. For now...
I'm feeling nostalgic.
So I did it.
I looked at the pictures from last New Year's Eve.
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| NYE 2010 |
What a difference a year makes! Can you believe it? It's impossible for me to believe.
And yet...yet, it's like he's been standing here all along.
And as hard as it is to look at those pictures and to realize he's gone. It's just as incredible to look at pictures of Eleanor and see a little baby. Now I have a girl. A kid.
So what does 2012 have to offer? I feel like anything has to be better than 2011...but in the same breath, I acknowledge that I won't have Nic for any part of 2012. At least he was there in 2011.
Don't get me wrong. I'm in a good place. About as great of a place as one can be, having lost her husband at age 30. It has completely altered who I was. And who I want to be.
And if I have just one resolution for 2012...it's to embrace the new me that I am. I can't want for things to be the way they were. They never will be. I can't want to feel like I did before. Because I never will. I can't want for normal. To feel normal. Because there is a new normal. I can't wish to not be a "widow". To not grieve. Because I am and I do. And I always will be and I always will.
I have a few tough months coming. So while the new year is great and all...I feel like I can't really resolve, or whatever, until I make it through MY year. Until I can't look back anymore and say, "A year ago this" or "a year ago that".
So while I threw up confetti last night and blew my horn. I'm not really in a new year yet. I'm still constrained by "My first year as a widow". My first year without my husband.
So maybe I look forward to February 22 more. Maybe, that night, at midnight, I throw confetti in the air and blow my horn and look forward to the future. Maybe that night, I drink champagne and think about all the amazing accomplishments of the year.
Oops. This entry took an odd twist. But...that's life, right? That's what it does. Odd twists and we just keep going with the flow. And...dang it...it's my blog and it is what it is. And, I guess, this is my New Year's post.
So, Happy New Year. And ::Cheers:: to a new year...but I'm just going to tiptoe into this new year. For now...
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