Rootin' Tootin' Birthday

It  came.
It saw.
It conquered. 

But Eleanor's Birthday party was a blast.

First of all....
I love my family.
Those that got me through birth.
And those that (lucky for them!) got me through marriage.
I just have an awesome family. 

What is even awesomer is that we all get along.
The adults.
The kiddos.
It's just great.
The Terrones'.  The Schroeder's. 
We just click!

No one is an in-law.
No one is an out-law.
We are just family.  

And today we celebrated the best little girl ever!
I mean...the best little COW girl ever!!

I guess we are officially done celebrating Baby E's birthday...which means....
I officially have a 3 year old!

Merry Christmas!

Have you ever been hit by a train?
I haven't either...but I think this is what the aftermath feels like! 

OR

Remember in Charlie Brown when Woodstock would get hit in the head and millions of little Woodstocks would fly around his head with stars?   Maybe I feel like that.

It's been like 36 hours on speed. Or crack.  Or adrenaline.  Never a moment to stop.  Never a moment to breath.

And
it
rocked

I wouldn't have had it any other way. 
family
friends
presents
food
laughs
tears
memories shared
memories made

I hope your holiday was just as wonderful!

While I could share 700 stories with you.  Let me leave you with my favorite holiday memory. 
 A memory that will make you love my little girl more than you already do (yup, admit it...you do!).

We were at church.  I got teary-eyed in the beginning but held it together.  My entire family went to the cemetery with me in the morning.  It was so wonderful that they all wanted to go there.  Even Eleanor jumped off the couch, pulled herself away from Mickey and said, "You are going to the Cemetery?  I want to go too!"  I was as wonderful as it could be. 

But so, during mass they say who the mass is for and may "their soul and the souls of all the faithfully departed rest in peace." And I just kind of lost it.  My BIL handed me a tissue and I let myself cry for a moment.  Eleanor finally wiggled free from my sister's lap and sat, facing me.  She took my big face in her little hands and said, "Don't cry mommy."  I reminded her I was OK.  I was thinking of Daddy. And wishing SO much he could be with us.  She said, "Don't cry, Mommy.  It makes Daddy so sad when you cry."

I lost it. 
And laughed.
Which only Eleanor can do for me. 
She's right.  Nic would have hated that I was crying during Christmas mass just because of him. 
She's right. 
Daddy is so sad when I cry. 

I also felt like crying when I opened my "soda" maker.  Bubbly water whenever I want.  I won't make soda.  It's BUBBLY WATER.  My nephew could barely fake excitement.  Now THAT was funny. 

And every moment in between was a moment that created a memory. 
At breakfast this morning we played, "What was your favorite gift".
There were
Soda Makers
Football Helmets
Capes

And then my BIL said he just enjoyed spending time with his family.  We all laughed and made fun of him.  And then it was silent.   An 8, 6 and 3 year old.  Silent.  Because he was right.  And we all felt the same way. 

I hope you feel the same way. 
I hope your Christmas was filled with magic.  Imagination.  Wonder.  and Delight!

3 years ago

Today you may say, "Merry Christmas".
I say, "Happy Birthday Eleanor".

You are, by far, the most resilient child I know.

In your short little life, you have been through things that, as an adult, I don't even understand.

You have more responsibility than any child I know.  You are, without a doubt, the reason why I got out of bed on February 23.  You are the reason I get of bed on most days.  You can also be the reason why I go TO bed at 8 PM sometimes!

You are the luckiest child I know  You have a Guardian Angel looking out for you.  You are never alone.  And some days it will be very hard for you to understand how that makes you lucky.  Some days, it's hard for me to understand how that makes you lucky.  But your dad.  Your dad knows this makes you lucky and he will never, ever leave your side.

You have the compassion of an adult  The understanding of a grown person.  And the ability to display this as only a child can.  You can hold my cheeks when I cry.  Your little hand rubs my back and tells me it's OK.  Just like I do to you.  And I scoop you up and tell you it's OK to cry and it's OK to be sad.  But that I'm happy all at the same time.  And you.  You get that.  Because I never hide from you what I am feeling.  It makes us both stronger.  It makes us both learn to live with the loss.  Live with the ongoing love.  And you...you my little 3 year old adult...you get that.

And through it all, you have the imagination of a child.  The laugh of a child.  The smile of the innocent. 

You have a temper that rivals your mother's. 
And a vocabulary that does the same.

Every single night, since the day you were born, that we have been under the same roof, I have walked into your bedroom and tucked you in before going to bed myself.  I have kissed your tiny, perfect forehead, or cheek, or lips or hand have thanked you for being the beautiful child that you are.  I have so, so, so many wishes, hopes and dreams for you.  However, all of them fail in comparison to the wishes, hopes and dreams you are creating for yourself.  I hate that you are growing up overnight.  I hate that you have had to experience some of the things you have.  But I love watching you grow.  Watching you learn. 

This morning I ran into your room, jumped on you bed and said, "Happy Birthday, Eleanor!  3 years ago, I was being admitted into the hospital at this exact time!"  You put your arm around me, stroked my hair and said, "I love you mommy Dana.  You are my best friend".

And you, Eleanor.  You are my best friend.
You are my daughter.
You are my world.

Happy Happy Happy Birthday. 

Procrastination at its best

'Twas the night before Christmas (Eve)
and I'm starting to freak
"I'm not ready!" I'm screaming
I need at least another week.

I'm still baking cookies
and there are presents to wrap.
The Bailey's is gone
and I think that's crap.

I'm cutting out tags
on my Cricut machine.
I say I'll reuse them
(I'm trying to be green)

It's insanity
the things that I'm trying to do.
It was hard enough last year
when adults, I had two!

If you think I'm exagerating
or stretching the truth
come over and see
I have plenty of proof

And yet, what do I decided to do
But sit here and blog
this blog for you.

I now lost my glue
and not far behind is my mind
So I think I surrender...and I'm going to bed!

Makin a list and checkin it twice

So tonight I finished the cake pops. 
It almost started a war with Eleanor and I...
But
Once again, it's a "silent night" in the Terrones household.

The list is still long, but I think crossing cake pops off is a big accomplishment. 

The only big things left are my nephews christmas present and wrapping presents. 

Everything else at this point, is details.

Oh...wait...I forgot...I just offered to host Christmas Day at my house.

DOH!  Time to start a new list!

Yuletide Greetings

I felt obligated to write something "Christmasy".
Did you think I had given up blogging?
Ha ha - you aren't that lucky!

I think I needed a break. 
Of course...it's not like I've been sitting around with my feet up, eating chocolate covered pretzels.
Well, actually....
Tonight that is exactly what I am doing!

I'm not wrapping - but I should be.
I'm not sewing Christmas presents at the last minute - but I should be.
I'm not baking - but I should be.
I'm not drizzling chocolate over devil red cake pops - but I should be.

Nope.   I'm sitting upstairs, enjoying the glow of my (about 1/2 decorated) Christmas tree...with some milk (yes, plain ol' healthy for you skim milk), chocolate covered pretzels (you thought I was being good with the milk!), my netbook and my ottoman. 

I'm not doin' nuthin! And I"m going to enjoy it.  I'm tired and just need one night to actually enjoy Christmas.

Despite how much I don't have done...I'm feeling surprisingly prepared for Christmas.  And I love my tree.  I think I want to keep it up all year round.  I just love our ornaments.  We have one of those trees where every ornament means something...it wasn't always this way...but it is this year.  If it didn't mean something - it didn't go on the tree.  Particularly because I'm feeling overly sentimental this year (I cried at a Hallmark commercial) and partly because Eleanor put two ornaments on the tree and declared she was done.  I looked at the Tupperware box that could fit both Eleanor and I inside, that was filled with ornaments, and asked her if I was supposed to finish decorating the tree by myself.  OK, momma, was her response. 

So, I did.  And if they ornament didn't have a story...I didn't put it up.  Although...there are still some ornaments in the box that have a story - HOLY COW - I digress!  Gosh, you missed me - didn't you?!

I don't see a lot of rest in sight, so I wouldn't expect to hear much from me for awhile - especially since I'm getting NOTHING done tonight.

But I will say this - I hope - no matter where you are in your life - you enjoy the spirit that is around you.  You take these nights, moments, like this and just enjoy the season...it really is - the most wonderful time of the year!


no really - it is!

OK, I heard you...

I haven't written in awhile...and shame on me because we really had a great Thanksgiving holiday.  It's just...the week after wasn't so great.  I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed.  I'm busy and don't have the time to run right now.  I'm just like every other person in the world during the holiday season.  With one exception....I lost my husband to cancer 9 months ago and this is my first holiday season without him. 

I mean...I've just been REALLY down and out lately.  Pathetically so.  SO pathetically so, that I actually got into a fight with my dad the other night.  And if you know Ray, you know I had to try pretty darn hard to get that one going!  It's just been down right awful.

And then I went to church today.

And I'm pretty sure Father Dan was speaking to ME. 

Did you know that John the Baptist is the patron saint of transition?  He's the patron saint of Advent (which is fitting then, that he is also the patron saint of transition).  But Father Dan was talking to the church about how transition can be scary.  He gave us scenarios and how unsure of ourselves we can be when we find ourselves in transition.  How we are nervous when we aren't familiar with our new surroundings. 

He said we have a conscience choice.  And it has to be conscience.  We can recognize the past as the past.  Find the blessing in what once was and the miracle of memory.  We can embrace our new life and look forward to the opportunities that will present.  OR we can get locked in the past.  Held prisoner by what we can't change.  Those memories can consume and control us.

I honestly wish I would have had a pen to write down how he was saying some things. 

I made that choice.  I made the CONSCIENCE decision.  Isn't that what I have been saying for 9 months now?  The day after Nic died....I could die with him.  Or live my life for him.  Sadness....sadness is OK. 

Despair is not. 

My transition is scary.  What if my transition is over and this is my life?  I don't really know where I belong.  I don't really "fit" anywhere specific.  I'm a single mom, but suddenly a single mom.  I used to have help 24 hours a day.  A friend 24 hours a day.  Now I have to rely on others when I can't be the mom I want to be.  The PERSON I want to be.  And that's scary.  And sad.  And worse than reliance - is asking - for that help.  It's hard!  It's scary.  And sad. 

But I remind myself.  I made the decision long ago.  I live my life for him.  I honor his memory in everything I do and every breath I take.  I enjoy each moment as my life is now.  Because maybe there is something that I am transitioning to.  Maybe some day...who knows...and I'll be sad I rushed through this part of my life.  So, even though it's scary.  And I'm nervous.  I need to just step back and remember...remember the decision I made...not so long ago.

A new rock

For those of you that have made it out to the cemetery to see Nicolas, you should make the trip again.

Nic's tombstone has been placed.

And it is wonderful.   Well, as wonderful as a tombstone can be. 

I don't want Nic's grave to be "official" and yet, walking up to the site today, it just look better.  I'm not thrilled that Nic's at his final resting place, but if he is going to be there...we may as well make it look nice. 

His flags found a new home.  His apple sits on the ledge and the pumpkin sits slightly above it.  It's like he's all moved in.  He even has some flowers from G'ma Terrones' casket spray. 

I feel something strangely calming about seeing his stone.  To run my hands over the etched words.  Run my hands over the cold stone. 

The willow (I think it's a willow...I pretend it's a willow) now looks just like it did during his funeral.  The leaves have all dropped and it's just weeping twigs. 

And if you ever want someone to go with you to visit Nic - I'd always love to go.  And if you need to know where he is - just ask - I'd be happy to direct you.

And I guess that's all I have to say about that.

HappyfreakinHolidays

Everyone knows that Nic and I were huge nerds.
Well, we just did things that were super fun to us, that most people would just roll their eyes at.

For example - fiber optic decorations.  My mom used to get me something fiber optic for every holiday as a decoration. 
Fiber optic Witch
Fiber optic turkey
Fiber optic snowman

At first, Nic made fun of said fiber optic decorations.  But, as we got to know each other and become comfortable with each other, he learned to embrace the horror that was fiber optic holiday decorating.  Dare I say, he actually enjoyed them.  Not in the way a husband learns to love his wife's quirks (er, his mother-in-law's :) but in the way that, well, that was Nic!

So, after much digression, I get to the point. 
Nic, while highly unorganized, spontaneous, guy that he was, had a little OCD running through him.  Sometimes I think it was his OCD wife rubbing off on him.  Sometimes I think it was his military background.  But all of our holiday decorations are extremely neat, tidy, organized, labeled and, well, organized.  I decided that because today was nice (enough) I was going to hang our Christmas lights. 
Now, last year we didn't have any Christmas lights.  The year before, we had enough and made a secret wish list of things we wanted to buy for the future (I really like the spiral light trees....Nic really liked the light up snowflakes to hang in trees) we were going to get them all. 

Eleanor and I made a decision about Christmas this year.  Kind of like the day after Nic died - I could die with him or I could live for him.  We could boycott Christmas all together or we could make it the biggest, bestest, cheeriest Christmas ever.  After some serious thinking about Disney World, France or even just the Dells for Christmas, we decided to go with the later. 

So, back to hanging Christmas lights outside.  While I'm all about honoring Nic on this biggest, bestest, cheeriest Christmas (BBCC) , I'm kinda all about doing things my way too.  So our decorations changed a little outside.
Step 1: go to basement and find all of our Christmas stuff.
Step 2: Find tupperware container with lights
Step 3: Find tupperware container with WHITE lights (because heaven forbid the white lights get stored with the color lights). 
And wouldn'tcha know that freakin' tupperware did it again.  The smell, the memories.  Last Christmas I was with Nic.  This Christmas, E and I are alone.  And that sucks.  I choked back some tears and remembered it's BBCC (I'm not reminding you all holiday season, but that stands for Biggest Bestest Cheeriest Christmas).  I took the white lights upstairs and began unwinding (because of course they are wound around cardboard so they don't get tangled.)
And so back to my original point about being nerds....I always write on the cardboard what is going on that year.  So the Terrones Family of 2011 would know what the Terrones Family of 2010 was doing. 
And do you know what those lucky ducks were doing?  They were spending it together.  They were together.  Do you know what those idiots were saying?  "Next MRI on 01.18, praying for the best, but one day at a time."  IDIOTS.  Don't wish for that day.  Avoid that day.  Nothing good comes of that day. 
And right there, right in my driveway, I cried and hugged Eleanor and said, "I hate Christmas".  I haven't been this sad since Nic passed away.  I didn't expect to feel this way.  I didn't expect to feel so sad during the holidays.  everyone told me Christmas would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. 
Last year it was the three of us.  And when we were lucky, the four of us.  Now it's the two of us.  I went from living with my best friend, my life partner, to living with a mini-me all alone.  And guys - she's GREAT.  I ADORE her...but she's not the adult friend my husband was.  And. that. sucks.
Eleanor and I had a Saturday night to do nothing - and usually Nicolas and I would kill for those nights.  Tonight I feel like I could kill on this night.  E and I went stir crazy - we hung out at Home Depot (which, it turns out...isn't a bad place to hang out...and kinda fun...AND if you are a friend on Facebook - we bought a hammer)
Raising my daughter as a single, full-time working mom is INCREDIBLY liberating.  Managing my house, our finances, our life, on my own is...well...I feel like a super hero.  I clean gutters.  I do laundry, keep my house clean, keep my daughter happy and do it all while being the sole provider of the family.  I hang Christmas lights (using a staple gun to my wood exterior, but...I'll worry about that this summer).  Guys - I ROCK.  But it sucks. 
I feel like the world is moving on and I'm doing everything I can just to stay swimming.  Just to stay floating. 
So...where does this end?  I don't know.  Each day, going forward, is going to be like walking on thing ice.  It's Thanksgiving, It's Christmas, It's his Birthday, it's February, it's February 22. 
March - Bring it on - I'm ready.

I'm drained

Remember that feeling you used to get...after a boy (or girl) broke up with you?
Think back to high school.
College.

The drama!! 
The end of the world!
You'd sit and cry for hours.  Maybe days. 
Until one of your wonderful friends finally shook you of pity party. 

That's how I feel today.  Drained. 
No energy for even a run.
Just wine and cookies. 

Today I relived Nic's entire funeral.  It was like a car crash, happening in slow motion in front of me.  I couldn't stop it.  I couldn't escape it.  I just had to sit through it.

Nic's grandma passed away last Friday.  And while the reality of the event is very sad, she had a great life.  If you are going to die - this is the way to die.  Basically of old age, at 89, laying next to her husband of 69 years.  Not a bad gig. G'ma has been feisty the entire time I've known her, and I hear she always has been.  G'ma knew what she wanted and often found a way to get it.  And I adopted her when Nic and I started dating, because all of my grandparents had already passed away. 

So, while I didn't want to make today be about Nic...how could it not be? And my heart aches for Grandpa because while I am lost without Nicolas....we had only been together 7 years.  Grandpa and Grandma had been married 69 and I don't know how long they dated before that.  If my soul is wandering around, lost without Nicolas....what is Grandpa's soul doing?  I felt that...I could feel that...that feeling of emptiness.  Like a shell, going through the motions, watching everyone else.  Watching people cry and be sad and not reacting.  Not crying, not being sad....sad is an emotion...and I remember, at times, not feeling anything.  I saw that look in Grandpa's eyes and I felt it all over again. 

It was my first full Catholic Funeral since Nic's. I've been to a visitation...but not a mass.
And the mass. 
Man, Catholics really can play into your mental state. 
A mass of Christian burial is very ceremonial.  The white cloth.  The incense.  The songs.
blawh.  The songs.  I didn't know I had such horrible feelings toward the song, "Be Not Afraid", but when that song started, every emotion came over me.  Sadness, anger, guilt.  And I let myself get lost in every moment. 

And no good Catholic funeral can escape "Eagle's Wings".  I assumed it would be at the end of mass, like it was at Nic's, and I would walk out of church.  I'd have an excuse to not listen to it.  But it wasn't the case.  Right there, right in the middle of communion.  2 notes and I knew what was happening. I felt the shaking start.  That same feeling.  I closed my eyes and saw Nic's casket.  I saw the flag.  I saw those horrible, horrible people wheeling him to the hearse.  I saw him, laying in the casket.  I felt myself wanting to leap out of my boots and throw myself on his casket and scream.  To push everyone away.  To make everyone go away and to just have it be me and Nicolas all over again. 

One song.
Two notes.
Did you know that a song could carry that much emotion?

And then I felt the warm sun on my back and I felt him.  I felt him wrap his arm around me and tell me to take a deep breath.  And at first I ignored him.  I didn't want to take a deep breath.  A sick part of me was amazed at how vivid the memory was.  A sick part of me was happy that I could really relive that nightmare again.  But I realized Nic was right.  I had to take a deep breath and pull myself out of that memory. 

And eventually, the shaking stopped.  And the breating started.  And the song ended. 
Just like Nic's funeral.  Eventually it was over. 

And like all good Catholic funerals, we gathered in the church hall after and ate, and laughed, and smiled and talked.  And the decision was made, you can quit or you can carry on.  And I carried on.  And Grandpa is carrying on.  Because that is what love wants us to do. 

So, yes, I'm tired.  No.  I didn't run.  Yes, I feel gross and know a run would have helped.  But so did the 4 cookies and the glass of wine.  Because every day is another day, another fight, another survival.  So for just a few minutes, or a day, to let the emotion, the true sorrow, just take over you.  There is something extremely cathartic about that too. 

I am obsessed!

I am officially obsessed.
I am in bed...barely able to keep my eyes open...and I am blogging!
Why?
Because I can.
Not because of the netbook.
But. Because of the iPhone.
I am in love.
Had I known I would feel this strongly, I would have done this a long time ago.
It is not official yet, because technically it is my work phone. But until I figure out how to live with two phOnes, or what to do with one or the other...I'm going to just enjoy life...with a super cool, super sleek, super sexy iPhone4s.

Tired, crabby, overwhelmed

Who isn't - right? 
The only difference between me and the rest of you (most of the rest of you) is that I have a blog that I get to complain about those three things in (is this even a sentence or close to a sentence?)

I don't really know what my problem is.  The weather?  The fast approaching holidays?  The fact my baby is turning 3 during those fast approaching holidays?  The absence of my husband?  The disaster that is my house?  The abundance of leaves that are clogging my gutters?

My to do list is never ending. 
On the rare occasion that I cross something off, 30 things get added.

I'm trying to balance work.  A child.  A social life.  Societal Demands (not sure why that gets to be capitalized).  And my sanity.  Something is bound to slip.

AND I haven't gotten to run since Sunday - which ALWAYS makes me extra crabby. 

Halloween candy and the MASS amounts of it that I'm eating makes me crabby.

And then....
My friend called me to tell me her friend's child passed away...just a few minutes old.  Yes, minutes.  Healthy baby...and then....

My daycare provider's father passed away tonight.  She left work early to go up and see him.  He wasn't doing well after a surgery....and then....she didn't even get up there to see him.

And then...on Friday they are putting Nic's grandma in hospice.  She's my only grandma left.  I adopted her once Nic and I started dating because I didn't have any grandparents of my own anymore.  She's 89 (or 90) and has had a great life....but still...

So THAT all makes me crabby.  It makes me crabby when the world should just stop for a second.  Just stop and let us enjoy those little moments.  Those moments like when I'm crying on the phone to my sister and Eleanor (who was throwing a fit) looks up at me and whispers, "Oh, don't cry momma.  It'll be OK." and then comes over to stroke my cheek.  Nevermind what was upsetting her.  My child will stop everything to comfort me. 

The world needs to just stop.  No...I guess I need to just stop.  Stop and realize that, only I have control over how much Halloween candy I eat.  Only I have control over staying up too late to watch Grey's Anatomy and then being tired for the rest of the week.  Only I have control over making sure the dishwasher is started before I go to sleep, so that it actually runs at night and can be emptied in the morning. 

And only I have control over realizing that it just doesn't matter.  Go to bed!

Yawn! Lazy Sunday

Eleanor is in bed.
My house is quiet.
It is also a mess.
I could
a) clean it
b) take a nap

Well, I didn't really want to take a nap with her, so I'm just sitting on the couch, in silence, blogging. 
I SHOULD be cleaning up.
I just can't!

This weekend I had a mini girls trip, headed down to Pleasant Prairie outlets with some college friends, shopped like I would never get the credit card statement in the mail and just had a great time.
BUT
Nothing got accomplished on the home front.

This morning, Eleanor and I were out the door by 7 AM.  We headed to the zoo for the Jingle Bell run.
By noon, I had 3 miles in, a walk around the zoo, a train ride, a carousal ride, Starbucks and Breakfast at Conejito's with the rest of the fam!

Whew!  What a morning.  Now I sit here and think about everything that I could be getting done with little boo sleeping...
eh, tomorrow is another day!

Hope you got to sit back and put your feet up - if only for a minute!

Halloween 2011

What do you think is worse?

Easter

 OR

Halloween

I feel like:
my pants don't fit
my teeth are going to fall out of my mouth

I need:
A treadmill
An apple
A week of detox!

Halloween 2011 has officially kicked my butt! (Thank goodness there is some extra cushioning there now!)  But what an amazing Halloween it was!

Saturday was Halloween Kick Off...Kiddo Halloween Party at our friends Charlotte and Gretchen's house.  The cake pops that I slaved over on Thursday night were a huge success...only problem is - the recipe makes about 40 cake pops and I still have them coming out of my ears!

After the party, we ran home, E napped and I finished decorating cake pops.  As soon as she woke up, we ran to G'ma and G'pa Schroeder for some more Halloween fun.  Trick or Treat began at 5 PM.  At 4:55 Eleanor was already running down the street.  It didn't take her long to know what to do.  She stood on the door step and yelled TRICK OR TREAT!  Then ran down the drive way and announced to my sister and I that we couldn't go home until her bucket was big.  Filled to the top.  Then she'd say things like, "We need more candy".  She'd also say a lot of, "Look at those kiddos, Mom".  Or, "Look at all those costumes coming toward us!"  It was just one thing after the next with her! 

We were with my boys and she did such a good job keeping up with them - well, they did such a good job of making sure she kept up with them.  It would have been so easy to just leave her behind, "Every man for himself!".  And yes, my nephew is dressed like a lobster.  Yes, it's a long story.  No, my sister didn't make him wear that to school.  And YES, he was the cutest dang lobster you ever will see!

Watching the kids run down the sidewalk took me right back to my childhood.  And I just loved it!  In the next minute, I felt the hot tears in my eyes.  I looked to the sky and tried to will them away.  Nic would have LOVED yesterday.  He would have just loved that look on Eleanor's face as she learned that by ringing some one's doorbell, they will bring you candy.  He would have LOVED the way she twirled in her dress.  Her screech as she ran from house to house.  He loved that girl and would have loved seeing her happy - even if it was a sugar induced high!  And it's not fair that we didn't get to experience it together.  Nic and I.

Blogger apparently doesn't want to upload anymore of my pictures...and my sugar high is wearing off.  So the rest of the pics may just have to wait - but let's be honest here....you know, as well as I know, that I will never come back and post those pictures. It will be a new post, with new news, and this will just be the past...

Anywho, tonight we had Emma join us for our Trick or Treat...unfortunately, the rain didn't stay away and we only got to a couple of houses.  But maybe it's for the better.  It gave Em and Eleanor some time to play together inside and Eleanor seriously enjoyed handing out candy just as much as she enjoyed receiving it.  (Enter picture of Eleanor handing out candy - here)

OOOHHHH, one last story, then I'm going to bed...last night, after we were done trick or treating, Eleanor decided she was going to help pass out candy.  The first kiddo that came to the door, she bent over to give him his candy bar.  And then, she started to pick a piece out of his basket!  I died laughing!  I made her put it back, but OH the innocence of it all!  She just thought...well, I gave him a piece, now he needs to give me some!

Oh Miss Eleanor.  How you make me smile!  Hope your Halloween was as wonderfully crazy as ours!

Too tired to title

Let's get one thing clear:  I had a great weekend.
However, now it's Sunday night and I'm wondering what the heck I did all weekend?

That little tazmanian devil of mine...the one that I love more than life itself, can destroy my house faster than I can clean it. 
Then I start the age old battle with her and my inner self.  I want her to pick up her toys, she doesn't want to, I try to love and logic her, she makes a bigger mess, I tell myself she is only 2...well, almost 3...reconvince myself that she's old enough to pick up toys and then I start to yell because by the time I have over analyzed things the mess has taken on a life of its own. 

On Sunday nights, my nerves are shot, my patience is drained and any productivity that I had over the weekend is impossible to detect. 

I'm so hard on myself on Sunday nights. 

It's 8 PM and I need to get the house picked up for the cleaning lady (yes, you know about this - you act surprised every time you read it), I need to put away the 5 loads of laundry that I did over the weekend (Including the 6th that is in the washer right now)...actually, now that I think about it - it maybe have been more than 5.  I need to empty the dishwasher.  I need to clean out the fridge.  I need to iron. 

Nah, I need to lay in my bed, day clothes still on and complain through the blog.  If I was feeling glass half full right now, I would tell you about the amazing weekend that Eleanor and I had.  I would say to hell with everything else because life is too short and Eleanor isn't going to know if her clothes are folded perfectly and arranged in VERY particular stacks in her drawers.  But she will remember that her mother loved her more than life.  Her mother needs to step back and remember this very special detail.  Her mother needs to not let a (almost) 3 year old get the best of her.  Sunday nights aren't the nights to teach lessons. 

Oh time....you are a dangerous thing...but I'd still like just a little more of it - please!
I'll be more positive tomorrow!

A few random thoughts...

So, last Friday came and went.  I ended up having a very amazing anniversary. 

First of all - I have the most amazing friends and family.  The text messages, phone calls and e-mails started around 4 AM and continued all day and all night.  I even received flowers in all their fall leaf glory!  I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you ever find yourself in crises...you want me friends!  You guys rock!!

I met my mom and Eleanor at the cemetery.  I got there before and had a nice long talk with Nic.  Then Eleanor and I colored a pumpkin for Nic.  Eleanor blew kisses to daddy and later shared that Daddy kissed her in return. 

I went to Piggly Wiggly and bought several different desserts and a bottle of wine.  Back at Ray and Dianes we at Salmon on the grille. 

The one thing I didn't want to do was watch the wedding video and some how, the video ended up on.  Eleanor ran to the TV and didn't move for a vast duration of the video.  She sat glued to the tv and every now and again would giggle and tell us that she saw daddy.  Since that time the video has become her favorite video to watch. She says things like, "I'm going to hug daddy" "I'm going to kiss daddy" and "Daddy is so handsome!".  She made me cry even harder!

That wedding was incredible.  He is handsome.  That smile.  That laugh.  That look. I felt like I was right there.

I drank that bottle of wine all by myself and crawled into bed with my mom to watch the Brewer's game.  After realizing we were losing...terribly, I got up to go into my bed.  Diane told me to just sleep with her.  So happy to know that in 28 years I'll still be able to crawl into bed and cuddle my baby girl!

I woke up the next morning and it was October 15.  And...life went on.

So - the weird thing.  I got an anniversary card from my husband.  In my mailbox, with a gift card.  It's pretty obvious when an anniversary card is from your spouse.  So obvious in fact...that it didn't even need to be signed.  An unsigned card.  In my mailbox.  You know who you are...you know who did it.  But me...I'm going to pretend...and just feel...for one minute that my husband gave me that card and that I didn't really just celebrate my 5 year anniversary without him.  I took that card, hugged it close, looked around like I might see who did it...and cried.  It was an amazingly beautiful gesture.

And...we go on...

Happy 5 Year Wedding Anniversary

Today is the 5 year anniversary of the day I married my best friend.
I have so much that I want to say...as I celebrate this huge milestone without my partner...
bu the only thing that seems to make sense is....

I, Dana, take you Nicolas to be my husband.  My partner in life and my one true love.  I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you.  Loving you faithfully through good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, regardless of the opsticles we may face together.  I give you my hand, my heart and my love, all the days of my life.

And yes.  That's from memory. 
And yes.  Every word still holds true.

And please...click here.

Wedding Weekend!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

This weekend was the wonderful wedding of my best friend, Lindsey to the wonderful Kevin.  As many of you know, I have been looking forward to this wedding for SO long!  Not only was it the wedding of a great friend, with great friends in attendance, but my little Eleanor was the flower girl.  And let me tell you - she rocked it!  I have never, thus far, been so proud of her!

The weather was perfect. The venue was perfect.  The cupcakes were perfect.  And I'm not saying this just because she is my friend...and not just because I know she's a religious follower of the blog...but Ms. Lindsey Bixby (oops!) Girard...you were BY FAR the most beautiful bride I have ever seen!

I can not put this weekend into words....so, a photo blog for you!  (And I wish I could post every single amazing picture!!)

Last minute, we decided Eleanor needed ruffle butt underware - so I ran to Wal-mart...and MADE some...I'm kinda proud!

E would look at Lindsey and say, "Your dress is real pretty!"  She was in awe of Lindsey (weren't we all?)

Proudest. moment. ever.

She had so much fun the first time, she walked back down with me too!

October 6, 2011

I'm sitting at my computer with a cold beer and thoughts racing through my head.
No one is behind me.  The TV is off.
Eleanor is sleeping soundly upstairs, I can hear her breathing through the monitor.
Cabo is living happily at my sister-in-laws.

And I'm wondering where the hell one year went.

Click Here.

W.
T.
F.
?.

I felt this day coming. 
Felt it for weeks.
Today had a grey cloud over it that February 22 can never have.
Today is not the day that I lost my life...but it's the day I realized I was going to.

So where am I one year later?

Sitting back and dwelling on that weekend.  I can remember it as clearly as if I am currently living it.  Choking down the Subway sub.  Picking up baby E.  Playing at the school playground.  Telling my parents.  The cancelled MI trip.  Long talks with family and friends.  A night at the Washington House, downtown Cedarburg, to celebrate our 4 year wedding anniversary. 
And a decision.
A decision I feared.
And yet, as always, Nicolas made the best decision.  
I can't read that blog post.  It makes me sick to my stomach.

I went to the cemetery today. 
We talked.  I cried. 
I breathed. 
The big inhale I'm doing now...
Wiping the tears.
Finding the message in all this. 
Just...just hug someone a little tighter today.  Kiss them a little longer.  Smile at a stanger. 
And ask...where the hell did a year go?

Day 1

Today was day 1.
My first day of kindergarten.
Or my first day of college. 
Whatever, it was all the same feeling. 

My commute rocked.  I dropped E off at her regular time, around 7ish.  I was cursing myself, thinking we should have slept at Ray and Di's, so I didn't have to worry about dropping her off and (possibly) being late.  But I pulled into the parking lot of work a little before 7:40 AM.  Not bad, considering I followed a short bus much of the way.

I was excited to find out I was the only person in orientation that day.  A few others were starting; however, they were hourly employees and that orienation is different than mine (first interesting point of the day).  I'm happy this is the way it was because there is orientation from an employee stand point...and then orientation from an HR stand point (learning how I'm going to explain this to the employees in the future).

When I sat down at the table there was a folder of information and a nice little schedule so I could know what to expect from the day. 

It was a packed day reviewing policies, procedures, safety, sustainability, community involvement and a whole lotta other stuff!  I must say, the orientation process was very detailed, very thorough and I am, so far, very impressed. 

We got to tour the museum and the employee store (shopping while working - this is going to be a great job!)  It's interesting to work for a larger organization with such a rich history and deep company culture (yes, I understand that can also create problems...new job euphoria doesn't make me blind!)

My day ended around 2:45 PM - and thank gosh!  I could barely keep my eyes open during IT orientation.  It was right after lunch, a dark room, and I was in information overload. 

It's also a humbling experience.  In my last job I recruited new employees and assisted with the entire onboarding process.  It's weird to be on the other side of the table - and recruiters/hiring managers - don't ever forget what that feeling is like!  I've handed out how many direct deposit forms; however, when I got mine today it looked like Greek!  I had to really think about filling it out so I knew I would do it correctly!

I'm excited for tomorrow.  First day is over and I'm ready to start learning my actual job!  Now I feel like the excitement can actually begin. 

I'm ssssooooo incredibly thankful for all of your well-wishes, texts and phone calls leading up to today and through the day!  It was so nice to check my phone at lunch and have all those messages.  You guys ROCK!  And I really appreciate it!  It's too easy (stupid, but easy) to forget just how supported I am...and lucky.  Thanks for helping ensure I had a good first day!

Here's to day 2!

Where did a week go?

Seriously...one week off and I still feel far behind, unorganized, unprepared and cluttered!

Many of you know that I put my 2 week notice in with my employer...and some of you others know that I only had to (for lack of a better word) work 1 of those weeks.

I just loved having my week off! 

On Monday, Ray, Diane and I went out for lunch and then Diane and I went shopping for some new clothes for the new job! I REALLY need to stop shopping.  I don't think my excuse of "nothing fits me anymore" holds true anymore...and if I don't start running again, nothing really will fit me!

Tuesday and Wednesday Baby E staid home with me.  We played with friends and got an obscene amount of baking and cooking done.  I don't know what a new job is going to hold for me, so we have lots of frozen meals, ready for a quick dinner! 

Thursday and Friday Baby E went to the sitters.  So one would think my house would be cleaned, bills paid, Fall decorations up, etc....I seriously don't know how those days went by so fast!

Then Saturday we went to Blue Mound State Park and camped with Jolene and Dick.  Fall camping might be my new favorite thing!  The colors were just fabulous!  The company was great - and what an awesome day to be a sports fan in Wisconsin!  Today we went to HeadRush.  I only cried once when Eleanor and I were at the dedication table.  I was explaining to E that Chris was at the same party that dad was at.  I was telling E about Chris' little girls and how they miss their daddy too.  I don't know that she understood any of it, but it was very important for me to talk to her about the fact that these two little girls also didn't have a daddy and that was OK. 

I was sad that I didn't see any of Nic's doctors there.  I was really looking forward to seeing them and having a chance to talk to them.  I didn't even talk to Brandi this year.  I saw her walking out of the bathrooms, but was trying to get E to use a pit toilet for the first time...But all in all it was another great event and just a wonderful day!  

And now I'm staring at my wall, wondering how one week can go by so fast.  I'm smiling at the wonderful memories and am thinking that it was a great way to recharge before starting something new.  Unfortunately, two late nights this weekend is a really great way to loose that charge!  It's early and I'm going to bed!  Leaving you with yet another completely random, totally uninformative...and really not even that entertaining...blog post!

::Yawn::

I'm exhausted!
I'm sitting on my couch, trying to muster up the energy to move to my bed and just can't seem to be able to do it.  I don't know why...

So I got to thinking...
I got up at 5:00 AM...well, my alarm went off at 5...I think I got up on round 3 at 5:19 AM.
I got ready.
I picked up the house from the night before.
I woke Eleanor up and put her in the car half asleep.
Went to work.
Left work at 4:30.
Went to get Eleanor.
Changed quickly
Got in a (pitiful) 3 mile run.
Made dinner and bathed Eleanor - essentially at the same time.
Showered.
Ate dinner.
Went to a book party (Usbourne! Gotta love it!)
Visited with some great friends that I don't get to see nearly enough :(
Walked home.
Walked back to party because I forgot my phone
Walked back home.
Read stories.
Put E to sleep.
Cleaned fridge.
Emptied garbage.
Cut Strawberries before yet another container goes bad in my fridge.
Picked up house for 2nd time today...got to living room to pick up...saw computer...sat down...haven't gotten back up.

Ooohhhhh, that's why I'm tired!  If only I could get up off the couch and get to my bed...maybe a little shut eye on the couch won't be the worst thing in the world.

Weekend Update

So this is what it feels like to stay home for more than 24 hours!

But I must say...I'm still exhausted.

I have a little over 7 loads of laundry washed, dried and put away.  The sad thing is, after 2 days of clothes wearing between baby E and I, the hamper is getting full again.

I have ALL the ironing in my house done.

I have most of baby E's clothes sorted, stacked and either put away or in a very large "to be tagged" pile.  Her room "should" only consist of clothes that actually and legitimately fit. 

Some how, my kitchen is still a mess.
My checkbook is still unbalanced.
The front room looks like a bomb went off.
And I am EXHAUSTED!  I was just on the phone with my mom and I feel so tired I couldn't even talk...well...I didn't even want to talk.  Which is sad!

Baby E and I staid in our pajamas until 1/2 time of the Packer Game.  As plans often do when a toddler is involved, our plans for today changed and we made the most of the laziest of Sundays.  We actually sat in her bed for 1 hour just reading books and playing with her "lovies". 

I have also managed to instill the greatest fear of "The nukie fairy" in my child.  I've been talking a lot about the Nukie Fairy, letting Eleanor know that the fairy will come and take her nuk.  The nuks go to all the new babies and, in exchange, Eleanor will get a "big girl toy".  Well, Eleanor immediately started crying.  "Can't the Nukie Fairy leave me just one?"  "Why can't I have just one?"  Then she smiled and whispered, "What about the one in the car?"  Nope, E, the nukie fairy will take them all.  Later this weekend Eleanor looked at me and said, "I have an idea!  We can hide from the Nukie Fairy!"  Poor kid!  She's still thinking of ways to outsmart the Nukie Fairy.  I did have to tell her that the Nukie Fairy is very beautiful with curly blonde hair, an ice blue dress with silver sparkles and a silver sparkly wand.  I may have been describing Glinda the Good...but, whatever!  So, we'll see about that Nukie Fairy. 

And, just for the record, I love my daughter.  I do.  But she can exhaust me!  "Play with me mommy." "Look at me mommy" "come here mommy".  And the whining!  Oh my gosh!  I just can't stand it sometimes.  I'll have to ask her sometimes, "Why are you whining?!"  "I don't know" she whines back!  I know it's a 2 year old thing and I know it's a girl thing.  I know I was just like it.  I know I still can be like that...but for the love of Pete kid!  Give a single mom a break!!

So I think baby E and I have had our fill of each other to make going to work tomorrow seem pretty darn good!

So, while I still have 50 million things I could do around the house.  I'm going to be thankful for the things that we accomplished.  And thankful for a great weekend!  Hope yours was equally enjoyable!

Open Letter

*Small digression, first*  When I was engaged and planning my our wedding, I spent a lot of time on The Knot.  Oh geez, don't even get some people started about "The knot".  We were "knotties", we had GTG and I learned really fun things like NFT, GFY, TIA and, my favorite, Open Letters.  OH and I got some good wedding advice too!

So.  Here is MY open letter.

Dear People that Just Don't Get It,

My husband passed away.  You can say that to me.  It's a fact.  It happened.  It's not a secret.  It's not a bad word. 

It hurts like hell.  It hurts like the worst pain you could ever imagine.  Imagine, try to imagine the person that you have loved more deeply and more fully than anyone you have ever loved before getting taken away from you. Imagine staring at that person's picture until you feel that stab in your heart and the hot tears roll down your check. You do this just so you can remember it was all real. That he existed. The love existed. For one small moment in your life you were someone's life. They were yours. You stare at the picture until you hurt SO bad inside. Until you remember exactly how you felt when they told you to go into the basement so you didn't see the hearse pull up and take your husband from your home. The place he belonged.

And imagine was it was like to wake up the next day...and every day after that. Imagine making the choice between two, and only two, options. You could stay in bed and die. Or. You could get up. You could breath. You could feel air fill your lungs. You could hug and kiss the people you still loved and were still around. You could laugh until your side hurt. You could smell a rose on the faintest summer breeze. You could smell fall approaching . You could smell rain and you wouldn't care that you and your daughter would get soaking wet as you played in it. You could live.

The decision is simple.

You live your life because your life - the person that was your life - no longer exists.

And THAT, my friends, THAT is how you go on after your life gets taken from you. You live every day for them. For YOU. Because you can.

Let's get something straight. I didn't die the day Nic did. I held his hand and promised him I would live. And I have changed, immensely, since Nic's death. There is very little of me that exists in the same way I used to.  But I like who I am.

I live a fuller life. I laugh deeper, love harder and wish more. I don't pick up the kitchen right after dinner because I know time with my daughter is more important. I don't fold my clothes because...well...because I don't really care. I get the oil changed in my car when I'm supposed to because...well...I'm supposed to. And I sit at my computer and drink wine when I should be in bed under my wonderful down comforter.

And I'm sad. I'm sad because the person I am today is EXACTLY the person Nic tried SO hard to get me to become.

And I'm happy. I'm happy because the person I am today is EXACTLY the person Nic tried SO hard to get me to become. And I get to live with that every day and it's like living with him.

Don't pity me. We all have our days. Maybe you didn't loose your husband, but maybe you lost a sibling, a child, a parent. Hell, maybe you lost a dog, a cat, a goldfish. Maybe you lost a job, a book deal, a big part in a movie. Maybe you lost the lottery. It's YOUR life and that is important to YOU. I'm not any better, worse or different than anyone else.

I'm just better then the me I used to be.

I'm better, happier, healthier, more unorganized, more distracted. I cry easier (I KNOW! could you ever have thought it was possible?!) and I rinse my dishes out after lunch.

And I don't need to prove it to anyone. Even if I sit and babble at my computer on a Friday night after too much pizza and not even close to enough wine. Even if it seems...just a little...like I"m justifying myself, my life, and my mood.

I'm just.

I'm just typing an open letter.

X O

You were where??

White Sand, Blue Water, Blue Sky....Was I in Heaven?

Was I on a movie set?

It does look kind of fake!

Are those diamonds on the water?

Yes, it had to be a fake movie set!

For years I have listened to my friend (Lindsey) talk about this little town called, South Haven, Michigan.   She has claimed it's wonderful and beautiful and all that and a cup of sugar.  Well, being obsessed with another small town (my hometown) I thought, suuurrrrreeee, I bet this "South Haven" place is really great.

Well, great it was!  Lindsey's future in-laws allowed us to stay at their beach front condo for the weekend for a little R and R before Lindsey's big wedding day!  It was like a fake little town.  I wish I would have brought my bigger camera into the town with us during the day. There were some great photo opp.s! 

A short 2.5 hours from Chicago, it's a trip I hope I get to take again!  There was plenty of R and R...and some S's in there too (shopping and sun!)

A great time was had by all....but let me tell you...I am SO excited to be staying home this weekend!  My "To Do" list is 10 miles long....can't play ALL the time!  

A pretty good tell-all picture of the weekend: beer, candy, cheetos and sunglasses!

I just really liked this picture of Tori on the beach!

This should be my new blog signature!

Another Great Weekend!

My weekend started pretty typically - a Friday night at Ray and Diane's. Saturday started with a leisure walk downtown 'burg for breakfast with Di and E, the farmer's market and then to "Great" Grandma and Grandpa Terrones' to celebrate their 69th wedding anniversary!

Can you believe it?! 69 years of marriage! I think it's so incredible. Inspiring. And I'm a little jealous! Nic and I would have totally made it to 69 years!

I couldn't help sit back and just observe the two of them and pretend it was Nic and I.

Saturday night I ended up back at Ray and Diane's. My sister, et al, came into town on the spur of the moment to celebrate Ray's birthday. Dinner was (predictably) late...so Eleanor and I spent yet another night at Ray and Diane's.

Yesterday morning we hurried back to our house to get ready for...yet another party! We headed up to Freedom (seems appropriate for Labor Day) for the Prosser Annual Labor Day Party! A great time with college friends!

This morning (morning came too quickly!) we made a quick stop at Bay Beach...Eleanor was SO incredibly over tired that she was NOT a fan of the rides. We spent most of our time getting in a ride, getting near hysterics and hurrying to get out so they could start the ride for everyone else. I think she could have really liked it, but again, fatigue was the controlling force here.

We came home, ran grocery shopping, made dinner, bathed and she is officially asleep just a hair after 7!

I now need to upload 17 million pictures to snapfish, to take advantage of their fab. sale and then I'm off to bed myself. This weekend has left me exhausted and I need to quickly refuel the batteries before another long weekend!

I leave you with this one story....
Last night Eleanor and I were playing in the basement with one of our friend's, friend's son. Max (I believe was his name) was trying his 3 year old hardest to make conversation with us.
"My mom's here" he said to me. Eleanor and I responded with something like I'm her mom and that's really great. We kept playing trains.
Then he said, "My dad's here too". "Great" I wanted to respond, my breath stuck in my throat. But instead he continued on. "Where's your dad?" he asked Eleanor. I'm choking back tears and Eleanor looks at him like he's crazy. "My dad not here. My dad at the dance party". She seriously gave him a look like, "My dad's the luckiest dad in the world. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world."

So...she handled it perfectly. Me...not so well. A question she is going to have to deal with for the rest of her life. And she just proved to me that she's OK and she's ready for the question. She's strong enough to just tell it like it is and move on.

Yup. My little girl is amazing and rocks my world on a daily basis.

Karma's a bitch

So...here I am...feeling all crabby and sulky tonight.
Black cloud.
Twisty.
BLAH.

I write this huge long dramatic post about what I can and can not stand about being a widow.

My computer freezes.

Restarts

Post gone

SERIOUSLY?

It's like Nic is saying....OK, you got it out of your system. You wrote it...but you ain't publishing that.
Seriously Nic? Can't I have one bad day? Can't I stomp my feet, pout, cry, feel sorry for myself?

And drag a few others into my pity party too?

The crappy thing is...typing that post didn't really make me feel any better. I doubt retyping it again would make me feel any better.
I doubt posting it would have made me feel any better. The beer isn't making me feel better either. (in fact, it's just making me feel fat...and that's one thing I can't stand...that I actually say things now like, "this makes me feel fat". I hate when people say that!)

Well, since, clearly, karma does not want me to complain about my life, I might as well go to sleep.

My house is a freakin' disaster. I haven't spent one night at home since.........last Friday? maybe?
I need a maid
I need a nanny
I need magic elves

Oh sweet Lord....I think I just need to go to bed.

August 22, 2011

It's a feeling you can't fake.
It's a feeling you can't "will" to happen. 
Or try to make it happen.

But every rare occasion, I can actually feel him.  His hand on my shoulder.  Or around my waist. 
I can feel butterflies in my stomach, but no one is around.  Or at least no one is around that would warrant butterflies!

I can feel my heart pause and I know he's here. 
Or even more weird, I can feel two hearts beating at the same time. 
That's what happens when two souls align.

I want it to happen more often.  That's why I know you can't fake it.
Or make it happen.
I'd have it happen all the time.

Sometimes, I can feel him looking at me.
I can hear him breath.

And it's in these incredibly intense moments that I remember he did exist.
We did exist.
I didn't make it up.
I didn't dream it.
We were happy. 
Until his last breath.  We were happy.

These aren't memories I'm talking about.  They are experiences.
Sometimes, memories just aren't enough. 
Sometimes I have a memory and I think - did that really happen?  Did all of this happen?

Today in the cemetery I saw the tree.  Dormant for the winter.  The snow falling.  I saw the people.  I smelled winter.  I heard the gun salute.  I heard it resonate in the silence that is winter.  I felt my father's hands gripping my arms.  Holding me up.  I felt my legs turn to jelly.

You think I'm crazy.  But that's not a memory.  That was an experience happening on an entirely different level.

So what happens at 6 months?  Why the anniversary?  The count down?  Today sucked.  But not more than yesterday.  Not more than the day before.  Every day sucks.  Every day is lonely.  Every day is without him.

But every day I wake up.  Every day I take a deep breath and I face the day.  I thank God for giving me an opportunity to live the day that Nic couldn't.  I live my life for him.

Holy crap.  It's 6 months.  Whatever this date means, I approached it.  I lived it.  I survived it.  I only ate two cookies.  I didn't run any miles.  And honestly, I only shed a few tears. (that's a lie now...while spellchecking this post, I had a nice cry fast...damn that felt good!)  I thought I'd feel something different today.  Switch my ring to a different finger (already done).  Box up his sweaters (already done).  Throw away his underware (done).

This journey of grief can't be described.  It can't be quantified.  It can't be explained and it can't be planned.  I've truly.  Truly. Truly.  did this all in my own time.  I've done what feels right in the moment.  Maybe not right for you.  Maybe not right in the eyes of the spectator, but I've done what feels right in the moment. 

And I still feel his hand on my shoulder.  I see his smile.  And I think,shiste.  I might be doing it all wrong, but I'm doing it for me and Nic's got my back.

So however you want to mark this day.  I hope you marked it.  But every day is a celebration of Nic, for me.  And I lived this "anniversary" just the way I wanted.  Just another day in the life of Dana...

This picture was taken exactly 1 month before Nicolas passed away - almost to the minute.  We were playing charades...i think, he was trying to be an alien.  Yes, I'm aware it looks like buffalo, but he was trying to be an alien.  Goof ball - classic Nic.  Hope it made you smile, or even LOL.

Eleanor's first 5K

It's hard for me to type this because I'm slightly irritated with my child right now.  Love her as I do, that girl can really grind my gears!  And she KNOWS she is being naughty and she just looks at me and laughs!

Anywho...I did my first 5K with Eleanor this weekend.  We did the Irish Fest 5K.  Although I would have preferred the "Dirty Girl", in the end, I think it's better I couldn't. 

I really didn't have any intention of running this weekend.  I'm just easing back into things and I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize my running.  I really planned on taking it slow.

The morning started with some down-pouring-rain, but cleared up in time for us to run.

I was planning on staying with my two friends for the entire course, but as the pack started clearing, I just couldn't help running.   We stopped once we realized we had lost them and planned on waiting.  When the didn't come, I told Eleanor we would go full-out for 1 mile. 

Running a 5K after not running for 4 weeks and not running becuase of a stress fracture is hard (and dumb) enough.  But the jogging stroller just makes it that much more difficult!  I really haven't run 3 miles with Eleanor since this spring! But she was fun to talk to and a good distraction.

We staid on pace for about 1/2 to 3/4 of the mile, but I was getting really hot, so I stopped to shed layers.  PS - can I also mention that in the jogging stroller I had 3 umbrellas, a jacket, a hat and a backpack full of crap.  I was pushing a good 50 pounds!  Still no sign of the friends, so we decided to go back to full pace - 9 - 10 minute miles.

Then it hit me.  The pain started as kind of dull.  Just noticeable.  Then went to pain.  At 2.25 miles I thought...uh-oh.  I can't go any further.  We stopped and stretched the foot a bit.  Did some walking and then I thought, walking is really no different then running.  It's the same pounding.  Running will just get me to the end faster. 

I ran about 11 minute mile pace for the rest of the race. 

If you have ever done a 5K downtown, you know the route well.  It really didn't seem like 3 miles after running 13 in that same spot, but the Garmin said it was...so, I'll believe it.  But anywho...just as we turned in front of Discovery World, I stopped and took baby E out of the stroller.  "Ready to run it in with me?"  She got out and ran down the street and across the finish line with me.

Best race ever!  Every one was cheering her on and clapping.  It was SO fun.  Her little legs just kept going and going!  Did I mention she was in a lime green shirt and a pink tu-tu?  She loved it!  I loved it!
What a great environment to encourage continued running!

We then enjoyed some of the Irish Fest festivities...including Eleanor's first ride on the Sky Glidder (I'll keep that mental image in my head as my devious child continues to jump out of bed!)

As for me...the foot is sore and I know I over did it.  I was gentle with it today and will probably take some more advil before bed.  I'll be happy when this is behind me!  And look forward to many more 5Ks (and longer!) with baby E!

I'm fighting with my deceased husband.

Yup.  You read that right. 

Nic and I are fighting.  And it's actually not much unlike any of our other fights. 

I'm mad at him.  He doesn't really know it.  He doesn't really know why.

I'm so mad at him that I even drove to the cemetery today just to yell at him.  I'm happy to report they have finally mowed his cemetery plot.  It wasn't so itchy when I went to lay down.  But that's not the point. 
He needed to be yelled at.

I thought, when Nic died, he was supposed to come back as like a dog...or a butterfly...or SOMETHING.  I thought all of a sudden some bluebird (of happiness) was going to start hanging out in my tree.  I'd laugh and say, oh that bird started showing up right after Nic died.

But no.

No bird. No butterfly.  No dog.  No nothing.

I thought Nic was going to keep Eleanor and I safe.  Nothing bad would happen to us.  Only good.  He'd send us the winning lottery numbers or something.  Anything I wanted, I would just "pray" to him.  He'd talk to the big guy upstairs and would make it all happen. 

Nic knows I don't have patience.  Nic knows I can become highly irritable.  Nic knows I can be highly negative (sometimes). 

So where is the bird and the winning lottery numbers?  I mean, come on, can't I just see him in my dreams more often.  I mean, I miss him.  I miss him SO SO SO much.  I can't talk about it all the time.  It's MY life and I'm doing everyone an injustice if I don't live it.  I'm doing Nic an injustice.  It's an insult to him if I just curl up and quit. 

I miss having my best friend around 24/7.  Someone to share my tears and laughter with.  Someone to listen to me when I need to yell and scream about something bad.  Someone to jump up and down with about something good. 

So, I just sat in the cemetery.  Crying in the grass next to my husband's (tombstoneless) plot.  I mean...really....how thoroughly screwed up is that image?  I'm 31 years old (woah, first time I typed that!) and I go to the cemetery to fight with my husband. 

Well, in true Dana and Nic fashion, our fight didn't last long.  I know that I'm being unfair.  I mean, I guess heaven is a pretty busy place.  But I did remind Nic that I love him very much and I miss him very much and if he could, just please, just a little more, find ways to come into my life, I'd think that would be pretty great.

And just to clarify - I didn't really expect Nic to send me the winning lottery numbers...but it would be great - right?

Perfection

I don't use the word "perfect" very often...but tonight might have been perfect.

I ran an errand with little E after work, she was her normal, after work, fussy self. She kept asking for a cookie. Thankfully, Kohl's does not sell cookies. We got in the car and she asked for the cookie from my lunch. Well, I didn't have a lunch and I didn't have a cookie. I DID, however, have the very same banana she gave me from her breakfast. (While everyone can think it's cute that she was sharing, it's really more like she suddenly decided she didn't like bananas).

"I have a banana" I told her
"OK" she said. She broke it in half, gave one half to me (maybe she really is sharing) and ate the other half all up! WT?!?

We got home and I told her that I take walks with girls that help with dinner. And while she didn't REALLY help...she didn't really distract either. We played while the pasta cooked. Fun times.

I made little E impromptu Mac and Cheese, because I knew she wouldn't eat the shredded beef that I was putting on my pasta. I did, however, give her some reheated "green balls" aka peas. They say to keep offering your child food. Even if they don't eat it.

She was doing OK with her pasta. She asked about the green balls...which I called several different fun things until I sighed and said, "They are peas, Eleanor".

I went for a second helping of some beef and some peas. I don't know how it happened. I don't know what I did. I can't relive it if I tried...but MY CHILD SOME HOW put a PEA in her MOUTH and CHEWED IT. CHEWED IT AND SWALLOWED IT!!! OH MY GOD, I almost fell off my chair. Seriously, that kid hasn't seen a vegetable in like MONTHS! DO IT AGAIN I wanted to scream at her.

Instead, I gave her a sly look and acted like I was stealing a pea and popped it in my mouth! She copied me and did the same thing. So, I went for another one but said, "One for mommy" and put it in my mouth and "One for Eleanor" and put it in her mouth. AND SHE ATE IT! TWO PEAS! TWO! She asked where my peas were. I told her they were in my belly and asked her if we should put her peas in her belly. AND WE DID!

What did I do? How did it start? How did it happen? I want that to happen every night. Just like that we were a family, eating dinner. No battle. No screaming. No wandering from the table. It was heavenly!!

"Now I take a walk?" she asked. OF COURSE! So we went for a walk around our block. Not exciting for you, but SUPER exciting for the girl recovering from a stress fracture! AND, GET THIS...I RAN!!!!!!!! I ran one teeny little block. Well, I jogged it. Well, I kind of "pranced" it. Tomorrow is a gym day, but if it feels good on Thursday, I'm going to run TWO BLOCKS!!

Oh my God! My child ate peas and I'm ran a block (without pain). Yup...I'd say it was a perfect night.

(OK, one more story) Then, I put Eleanor to bed and come downstairs. I heard her door open and close. As I walked up the stairs, I heard scurrying. Not in the kitchen, not in the living room, not in her room...climbing into MY bed. Getting cozy on MY side. And closing her eyes. "I sleep in Mommy's bed tonight". Oh kiddo...I'd love to snuggle with you in bed...but once I start that, it will never end. So I picked her up and brought her back to her room. That was the end of that. No tears. No fuss. Just back in bed.

Yup...perfect.