Two in one day...

...it's me again...and while I'm not totally alone, Eleanor is sleeping and it's quiet. I just watched an episode of Grey's. My first night home alone was going fine until the credits came on at the end and the theme music started playing. Nic and I used to dance to that music. Like total nerds we would sway and bob...and laugh.

God I miss him.

Like mind-numbing, body-numbing, heartbreaking miss him.

Like missing your right arm. Your head. Or your heart.

See...see...I told you. This would come in waves. Sometimes, I'm fine. Sometimes I find myself asking myself how the hell am I going to actually make it through this.

I stop crying and think what Nic would tell me right now. I think about how I am just a better person for knowing him and he would be so sad that I was so sad right now. So let the last few tears roll down my cheeks and I promise, out loud, to my amazing husband that I will be OK. I will make it through this....I just might have to stop Grey's before I hear the theme music.

Alone...

I'm am home alone...for the first time in almost 2 weeks, I am sitting in the silence. Only my thoughts and the hum of the refridgerator and purr of the cat to fill the void.

I bet you are waiting for me to say something profound. I bet you are wondering how I am doing. I bet you want to know my thoughts on the experience of the funeral or burying my husband. I bet you want to know how I got myself out of bed this morning.

I'm not going down any of those paths. I don't have anything profound to say, I was on autopilot during the services and I don't know how I got out of bed this morning...except for the fact that the most amazingly, beautiful little girl had something to do with it.

As days turn into weeks, maybe some of those experiences will randomly be shared with you. When you least expect it, I'll share a story or a memory. Isn't that the way life goes? When you least expect it, a memory crosses your mind or a smell triggers an intense emotion. As time goes on, you'll hear more and some things will just stay in my own mind.

Some of you may have seen my Facebook status today. If there is a memory or a story you would like to share, I'm letting you take over my blog! E-mail your story to me (dana.terrones@gmail.com) or Facebook message it to me and I'll share some of those stories with all of you. What a great way to honor a great man...and a great way to learn about him even more!

I'll start...I wanted to say something at his funeral, but didn't know how to share it. It's not about him, it's just a song that I would sing to him, even more in his last few days. It's a song that I feel very strongly about because it conveys how I feel about Nic. Nic did change me for the better, and I have been changed for good. It's from the musical "Wicked". Yup, Nic enjoyed the occasional musical and he even tolerated listening to me sing them all the time!

Excerpts from For Good - From Wicked

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter any more

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Nic's Obituary - and funeral information

Nicolas Richard Terrones, age 31, of Grafton, passed away peacefully at his home on February 22, 2011 with his loving wife and family at his side, after a long and valiant battle with brain cancer.

He was born in Milwaukee on January 8, 1980 to Richard and Mary Ann Stien Terrones. Nicolas attended St. Veronica grade school and graduated from St. Thomas More High School in Milwaukee in 1998. He was a member of the Wisconsin Air National Guard 128th Refueling Wing and a volunteer firefighter for the city of St. Francis. He was also a longtime dedicated employee of Karl’s Event Services in Oak Creek. Nicolas married the love of his life, Dana Schroeder on October 14, 2006 at St. Hedwig Catholic Church in Milwaukee.

Nicolas was a lover of everything outdoors. He enjoyed camping and making “Mountain Goodness” for family and friends brave enough to join him. He was always one to join his dad and brother-in-law in grilling activities and his wife in the yard work. At bedtime, he would strap on his head lamp and read the Harry Potter series, Repairman Jack series, or any other great fiction novel. He enjoyed watching and cheering on Marquette basketball, Brewer baseball, and Packer football. More than anything Nicolas enjoyed spending time with his family. Nights eating tortillas, beans, rice and pork chops at Ma and Pa Terrones’ house were a frequent family get-together. Sunday breakfast at Conejitos with anyone who was up for it was a favorite weekend activity. Nicolas’ far too brief stay here on earth has left, and will continue to leave, a hole in the hearts of everyone who have known him.

He is survived by his wife, Dana; daughters, Emma Trahan and Eleanor; parents, Richard and Mary Ann of Milwaukee; sisters, Heather (Phil) Kleiboer of Brooklyn, WI, Regina (Tim) Kenney of Shorewood and Jolene of Oregon, WI; paternal grandparents, Jesse and Bernalda Terrones of New Berlin; sister-in-law and brother-in-law Melissa and Jason Burchardt of Waukesha; nephews, Cole and Cameron Kleiboer, Colin Gavin and Nolan Kenney, Collin and Miles Burchardt; father-in-law and mother-in-law Ray and Diane Schroeder of Cedarburg; and numerous loving aunts, uncles, cousins and lifelong friends.

Nicolas was preceded into eternal life by his maternal grandparents, Bert and Martha Stien; his dear Uncle Jim Stien; and other family and friends who loved him.

A special thanks to all of the staff at the UW Hospital in Madison for the exceptional care they gave Nicolas. The family is especially grateful to Dr. Ian Robbins and Dr. Steven Howard for their dedication in fighting Nic’s tumor with the same perseverance and aggression as Nic did. We would also like to thank the Aurora Visiting Nurses Association; especially Mellissa, Jill, Judy and John for their kindness, warmth and tender care these past few weeks.

A mass of Christian burial will be celebrated at 11 AM on Saturday, February 26th at St. Francis Borgia Catholic Church, 1375 Covered Bridge Road, Cedarburg with Father Dan Janasik officiating. A visitation will be held on Friday, February 25th, from 4 until 7 PM, with a prayer service at 7 PM, at the EERNISSE FUNERAL HOME 1167 Washington Ave. Cedarburg, and also on Saturday the 26th from 10-11 AM at the CHURCH. Interment will be in St. Francis Borgia Parish Cemetery, Mequon. In lieu of flowers, memorials suggested to the educational fund of Emma and Eleanor. Online condolences may be left at www.eernissefuneralhome.com

The End...

...It is with the heaviest heart I inform you all that Nicolas Richard Terrones passed away on Tuesday night, February 22. It is with the happiest of hearts I tell you that I was holding his hand and laying on his chest when he took his last breath.

Many, many more details will come in the next couple couples....

Nicolas, may you travel safely to heaven and land safely with the angels. You are...you are...amazing. Terrific. Mine. You are...

For the last 8 years (give or take a day or month) I have sat by Nic as he battled his brain tumor.

We have been through several surgeries.
We have been through radiation.
We have been through Chemotherapy and Avastin.
We have been through countless trips to Madison.
I have memorized the names and contact information of several doctors.
I have learned medication, names, generic forms, colors, shapes and doses.

And because Nic didn't complain, I didn't complain.

But I can not handle the seizures. I do not want to go through the seizures. I HATE the seizures! And the seizures have started.

For the last 8 years Nic has been on some form of anti-seizure medication. About two days ago he stopped being able to swollow it. And last night the seizures began. Short ones. About 1 - 2 mintues, but yet time stops as you watch one. We increased some of his other liquid medications and 2 seizures later, we seem to have things under control. Nic is resting peacefully in bed and the rest of us are sitting, pacing, and waiting.

Gosh I hate the seizures!

It's 11:11...make a wish

Nic had a rough day...He didn't sleep much, he was restless and at one point he ranked his pain at 5 (our goal is 0).

Me...I decided to drink wine. Do you know what is worse than angry, pissed off Dana? Slightly tipsy Dana. Not drunk Dana...she's totaly different. However, slightly tipsy Dana was waiting for her 11 o'clock shift to start and had two friends to keep her company until then.

The kind of friends that have seen me at my best...and at my worst. They have been there for Nic and they have been there for me...together and separetly. Good friends...

However, at one point during the night, tipsy Dana wanted to cry. Actually at many points, during the night. I wanted to curl up...to cry...to be held...to cry...But I didn't want to be that girl. I don't know how to be that girl. I don't like that girl.

I keep looking at other people I know that have been through this journey and I compare myslef to them. I have to learn that this is a journey that only I can go on. I am different than everyone else...everyone that has become...become...a widow.

I don't know what the future holds. Not even though others have been down this road. I do know however, that I felt that I needed to hold it together in today. I felt unable, unwilling to break down...even though I could have blamed it on the wine. I felt like I just needed someone to hold me, to stroke my hair and softly whipser, "shhhh, it's going to be OK" in my ear.

Then it turned 11. I ran up the stairs to my Nic. My Nic that was finally sleeping and yet he wraped his arm around my neck as I bent in to give him a kiss. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in, and held me. And as I typed this he opened his eyes and I felt his smile. We locked eyes and I smiled from way down deep inside. From that place where all the hurt and sadness was...I smiled.

I don't want to post on facebook. But I love when you post something.

I don't want to write e-mails. But I love when you e-mail.

I don't want to respond to texts or phone calls. But I love listening to the voicemails and reading the texts...over and over again.

And I want you to know why. My soul has left my body. It's in the bed next to me, helping Nic understand that, while I don't want him to, it's OK to let go. It's OK to stop fighting and it's OK to sleep...eternally...peacefully. My soul will guide him safely to heaven. My soul will stay with him until he is comfortable and happy in heaven. And I will be a shell. I will be skin over a soul-less being. I will go through the motions, but I won't feel a thing. I already don't feel a thing. It's happening. My arms ache, my legs ache. My heart aches. Deeper and more intense then anything I have ever experienced. It hurts to sit, to stand, to sleep.

I don't believe in soul mates. However...if they exist, this must be what it feels like. Two souls that find each other and learn to live off each other.

I'm not stupid. My soul will come back to me. I will feel again. But until it knows that Nic is safe, settled and happy, I will feel like this...

On our way...

In case you didn't notice...I had a really shitty night last night. Followed by a pretty shitty day today...

I called Mellissa (our CNA) and explained just how many times Nic had fallen today and how scared I was that he was going to get hurt. As I was on the phone with her, Nic had gotten out of bed, made it to the bathroom and then fell. Luckily, Nic's brother-in-law was over and caught him in time. However, I screamed. Our CNA said enough was enough, she told me what medication to get out of the "comfort kit" and told me she was on her way.

I pow-wow'd Dick, Mary, Ray and Diane. Nic's sister, Gina, joined us too. Our social worker came. The chaplin came. We tried to discuss how we were going to make it work for Nic to stay at home. We agreed that Nic, and I, need 24 hour care. I can't stay home a lone with Nic and Eleanor. Our nurse than told us that they would be able to check Nic into the new Aurora hospital, let him spend a few days and try to figure out some meds. While he's in the hospital, Team Terrones will be at home, rearranging furniture and preparing Nic to come home.

The meds we will start giving him are to relax him. To make his mind behave at the same level of his body. To just allow him to relax.

Our team, of course, rocked! Rocks. We got a plan and we are excuting. I don't particularly enjoy where we are, but we are here. I can't believe we are here.

I think that I don't feel like blogging anymore. I'll let you know how our transition to the hospital goes. I know, I know...what can you do? Pray for Nic. Pray for his family. God, give us the strength to put one foot in front of the other. To continue to do what is best for him and above all else, allow him to rest.

Frustration...

Tonight I'm frustrated. I'm pissed. I'm crabby. I feel like I am standing on a box, in the middle of a crowded room, people all around me. I'm SHOUTING. I'M YELLING AND SCREAMING AND NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ME!!!! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?!

He's great all day long. He listens to hospice, he listens to his mom, he listens to my mom. I walk in the door, go put Eleanor to sleep, walk out of the room and he's out of his wheelchair, laying on the floor in the kitchen.

I can't look at him right now. I can't talk to him right now. And WORST YET, he can't communicate with me. I've asked him, BEGGED him to talk to me and he won't. He stares at me. He can't find the words. It's just all too complex right now and he doesn't understand why I hurt so much.

F YOU CANCER. F YOU for turning my life upside down and inside out. F YOU for taking away the most wonderful man in the entire world and turning him into a stranger.

I'm not even going to spell check this post because guess what - I DO NOT CARE.

I'm Tired

First of all, let's be honest...I'm probably tired because I was up until 3:30 with college roommates. It's amazing how fun it is to get together with old friends. We talked about the past, we talked about the here and now, we laughed, and we shared lots of tears. We also shared brandy, vodka, two bottles of wine and shots of tequila. Yup, the MU girls still have it!

I pawned my husband off to my in laws and dropped my daughter off at my parents. In theory, I was supposed to get a good night's sleep. Because while yes, I can blame my fatigue on the Brandy Old Fashions, a lot has to do with the atmosphere in which I live.

Nic's body is just slowing down, but his mind is not. I think I was blogging about this the other day too. I can't get him to sit still. His fighting attitude; however, at this point has shifted from admirable to almost stupid. He is going to hurt himself...or some one else. He pinched his finger in the wheelchair today, he fell on my leg and he rolled over on Eleanor's leg. His body gets so tired that he just needs to sit down in between his wanting to do things. I tell him this over and over and over and over and over. I tell him I don't want to nag, but I love him. He needs something to entertain himself with, but he's so damn stubborn that he'd rather pout and sulk about not being able to do something, then find something he actually can do.

Well, I'm not giving up either. I'm going to find away to get him to relax. I'm going to find something for him to do...or...maybe I just start sprinkling some sedatives in his ice cream (I'm KIDDING!)

In other news, I started race season on Saturday with Seroogy's Valentine's 5K. My mom drove with me up to De Pere, where I met my Aunt, my Cousin and his wife. My mom was so cute because all the way to De Pere she kept calling it a marathon. ummm, not quite :) It was a balmy 7 degrees at the start of the race, but once we got going, you couldn't even notice. Gosh I love race day. It's just such a high! Such a rush! I ran well and kept a steady pace. My aunt really does a good job pacing herself in the beginning and I need to learn that! Usually I just take off and then get fatigued too quickly. I'm not great with time yet, but I did run the entire thing - no walking! I finished at 32 minutes. That leaves me a lot of room for improvement - but I did finish and again...I didn't walk.

I don't want to be a marathon runner. I just know that I enjoy running a lot and I want to keep practicing to get better. There is nothing better than hitting the open road with nothing but your thoughts, some tunes and a nice bottle of water. That sense of accomplishment you feel after a run, you are tired and sweating...Perfection.

And I sure felt a heck of a lot better after my run then I do after my drinking binge!

Last night sucked...

...It all started at the eye doctor. I made the stupid mistake of telling my eye doctor it was OK to dilate my eyes. I haven't gone through that process in over 2 years, so I forgot how much it sucked. As I sat in the chair, watching my phone get more and more blurry, I knew I was in for a long night.

After picking up Nic and Eleanor from my parents house, I proceed to try to get Eleanor ready for bed...in the dark. I had NO idea how I was going to read books, but knew there were a few that I have memorized and hoped she was going to be OK with my selections. Lucky for me, Eleanor was not willing to get ready for bed. It was past her bed time, so she was pretty wound (is that the right word?!) up. She ran downstairs in her coat, hat and mittens. i tried as hard as I could to ask her to come up on her own, "I read books to girls that come upstairs and get ready for bed". "If you come upstairs, we can read books" "Girls that get ready for bed, get to read books". I tried every version of love and logic I could. I took a deep breath, refusing to yell "GET UPSTAIRS NOW!" Or to start the dreaded counting, "1...2...3..."So I went downstairs, picked her up and said, "Uh-oh, this is so sad. It looks like we won't get to read stories tonight". I got her ready for bed and turned out the lights. At this point, Eleanor started crying for books. I just kept repeating how sad it was. I kissed her, told her I loved her, and walked out of the bedroom. IT SUCKED! However, I think I handled the situation appropriately. Love and Logic parents...what do you think?

So, I crawled into bed, at 8 PM, blinded still, from the dilation. Nic wasn't ready for bed yet, so we compromised and said he would watch TV in Emma's room and I would sleep in there. I couldn't see the TV anyway, and the bright light from the screen was driving me nuts. I fell asleep and woke up around 9:30 to Nic falling down. He was trying to go to bed, but his legs didn't want to take him there. We got Nic to bed (I'm now blind and weak - because I had been sleeping). Then we needed to get him IN bed and comfortable. Another difficult task. I'm open to suggestions on how to get partial dead weight comfortable in bed. We finally we get comfortable and back to bed.

1 hour later....Eleanor wakes up coughing and coughing and coughing. At least I can partially see now! I try water, I try extra pillows, I try vics...anything to avoid giving her medication. But finally, I couldn't handle it anymore. 1 tsp of Benadryl and then I needed to wait for it to kick in. I whispered down to her, "Do you want me to rock with you?" She got the best smile ever on her face and said yes. So we rocked and cuddled while she hacked and hacked. 2 hours later, I get back into bed...I hear her coughing start to subside...

...and Nic gets out of bed...while he made it to the bathroom and back, I was on pins and needles the entire time. But then he couldn't get comfortable and back into bed...I helped as much as I could, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't comfortable.

Finally around 2 - 2:30, the Terrones Family was all asleep....and then Eleanor woke up at 6:30. Goodness...I am tired today! Melissa is coming over and I have just a list of things I want to get done....do I sacrifice it all to take a nap?!

Here's to hoping we all get a good night sleep tonight! I have my first race of the year tomorrow...

Sometimes, thinking of a title for an entry is exhausting. I mean, how do you expect me to sum up an entire entry in one sentence? Especially as jumbled as my thoughts are these days.

My shining star is starting to loose his luster. Nic is just plain exhausted these days. Our week started out with a bang! Nic had some right side paralysis...in the basement. As I was getting ready to leave for work, Nic and Eleanor went downstairs to watch some Cars and eat breakfast. Nic was feeling pretty tired, so I told him to go lay down and his dad would be at our house between 8 and 8:30. Nic tried, several times, to get off the couch. Finally I asked to help him. He could barely hobble over to the stairs. We both looked up the stairs, at each other and laughed. How the heck were we going to do this? Nic didn't have the strength in his right leg to hold him up as he moved his left leg.

He made it up to the first step and then fell down. He lay in a heap at the bottom of the stairs and we did what we do best...laughed at the situation. Eleanor came over and asked her daddy if he needed help - he responded that he did. She went over to pick up one leg, success. "It's heavy Daddy." Then she took off her socks, put them on her hands and tried again....without success. She came over by me, sighed and said, "He's Heavy Momma". Some how, we got him up the stairs. The three of us...one stair at a time.

It's just metaphoric of our life. Some how, in the middle of all that suckiness (yes, it's a word) Team Terrones pulled together and pulled through. It doesn't mean I didn't cry later that day. But at that moment, we prevailed.

Today has been another rough day for Nic. We barely got him back into bed, and that is where he is going to stay for the time being. I just had a great visit with our social worker, Jill. It was like having an old friend in our living room. She's a great addition to Team Terrones. The rest of the afternoon should be a quiet one for us.

Stay warm out there!!

Another Weekend...

We survived the blizzard of 2011.

We survived the Flu of 2011.

We survived another week.

I'd say we've done pretty good!! But it wasn't easy! A family of 3 - all down with the flu - it sucked! We have since spread our disease to Gamma T and Papa S. SORRY!!! I think Eleanor is finally over it and Nic and I survived as well.

We were all feeling pretty under the weather when the big blizzard struck, but we did manage to dress up and have a few fun moments in the snow. Unfortunately, the pictures that really show the magnitude of the storm include my house....and we all know how I feel about posting pictures of the house ;) Eleanor can't get over how much snow we have. Every time we pass a huge snow bank she's just in awe..."Look at Mamma, Look at!"

We continue to take things day to day here. And that seems to be working pretty well for us! Sometimes I see signs of Nic slowing down. He'll have trouble with words or stumble more...and then, he'll do something that amazes me. He'll remember something I can't. Or he'll come up with a well thought out and developed plan....and I remember - He's Nicolas. He'll always be amazing me!