Tonight I'm frustrated. I'm pissed. I'm crabby. I feel like I am standing on a box, in the middle of a crowded room, people all around me. I'm SHOUTING. I'M YELLING AND SCREAMING AND NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ME!!!! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?!
He's great all day long. He listens to hospice, he listens to his mom, he listens to my mom. I walk in the door, go put Eleanor to sleep, walk out of the room and he's out of his wheelchair, laying on the floor in the kitchen.
I can't look at him right now. I can't talk to him right now. And WORST YET, he can't communicate with me. I've asked him, BEGGED him to talk to me and he won't. He stares at me. He can't find the words. It's just all too complex right now and he doesn't understand why I hurt so much.
F YOU CANCER. F YOU for turning my life upside down and inside out. F YOU for taking away the most wonderful man in the entire world and turning him into a stranger.
I'm not even going to spell check this post because guess what - I DO NOT CARE.
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1 comment:
I am so glad to hear you say the things that I have been thinking all along. F U cancer! What gives cancer the right to take such a wonderful man? A wonderful husband? A wonderful father? What gives cancer the right to tear Dana's heart in two?
I am so sorry that you are going through this, none of you deserve this pain!!! I am angry for you, and Nic, and E. And darnit, you have a right to scream and yell and be angry!
LOL, I think I am glad to read that you are angry.... I was starting to feel inadequate in comparison to your calm and mostly rational thought-processing of all of this... You are so strong! Unnecessarily and unfairly caused to be... but strong none the same.
The Henckel Family continues to pray for your peace, for a miracle, for something/anything that seems "fair" to us. And I pray that you feel comfort in all the love we are sending to surround you.
And if you ever need to scream at someone, pick up the phone! I promise I will understand, take no offense and just let you holler it all out. I'm here.... we're here.
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