5 weeks

I got my hair cut tonight. 
As I was paying, I asked to schedule my next appointment.
5 weeks.
February 22.

Really?
5 weeks, to the day?  That's how it works?

Do you realize what today is?
January 18.
Today is the day my world came to a screeching halt.
52 weeks ago.

And it's amazing how it effects you. 
Amazing.
I honestly feel sick to my stomach. 
It's a pit.
My legs ache.
My arms ache.
And my heart.
Oh that ache.  That ache that it hasn't felt in awhile.
Weird. 

I went to the cemetary tonight. 
Weird. 
Funny how 52 weeks ago I said it wouldn't matter and now I love that place. 
In the dark.
In the cold, dark, silence that is a winter night.
I love that place. 

I laughed today. 
I concentrated.
I had meetings and I was productive at work. 
I lived. 

But underneath it all.
I felt it.

Baby Eleanor woke up this morning and said the same thing she says to me every morning.
I slept good in my comfy bed.
Someone was in my dreams.
Daddy.
Daddy was in my dream.
We were eating breakfast.
And she doesn't say Daddy every time.  Usually it's Grandma or Jakob or Aunt Melissa or Patty.  But Daddy's only a special occurrence.  So I know it's true. 
And right there.  There's my proof that I made it. 
That baby E and I made it. 

52 weeks ago. 
And I can't believe it took me 47 weeks to figure out it was exactly 5 weeks after we were given 2 months.

I lived a lifetime in those 5 weeks.
And yet they were the fastest 5 weeks of my life.
I wonder what they will feel like this year?