An entry...a vent...

I really haven't posted much in awhile because I've been in a funk. Usually my entries are so upbeat and positive, that it's hard for me to write and share when things are not that way. In an effort to prove to some of you that I am not nearly as strong as you think I am, I will share with you some of my thoughts and emotions over the last few days.

Of course, as you know, Nic had a seizure last week. After that I decided that I better know every one of his medications, what they look like, when he takes them, when he needs them. So there we are, this 30 year old married couple, going through a tupperware container full of medicines. And I lost it. I don't want this. I want Nic. I want my future back. I want my life back. Why are we going through this? When will I start to be OK with it?

Unfortunately, rather than talking to my husband about it, we cried silently together and I moved on. I push these feelings down every time they come up. I try to run away from them. Ignore them. Anything, to not experience them. So I did what all responsible adults do. I drank entirely too much wine. The next day I felt just as crappy on the outside as I did on the inside and for a moment...it was OK. For a moment, I could lay in bed. I could pull the covers up over my head and ignore everyone. My husband was so mad at me, he wasn't talking to me anyway!

And then I woke up and not only had I pissed of some really great friends, and people I loved, I now had a cheap wine headache and I still hurt inside.

So I started crying, with my mother-in-law, with my sister-in-law, with my husband, with my sister, with my mom...I've cried and cried and cried. And no, I don't feel better. I haven't accepted anything, but at least I don't feel like I'm holding it all in anymore. At least I don't feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not. At least I don't feel like I need to be strong all the time.

What do I know? I know that Nic is still here next to me today. I know that he is doing well and is kicking some radiation ass. I know that some day, he is going to pass away and it's going to hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. And I know that his love will get me out of bed the next morning. I know that Nic doesn't want to focus on the future and so I can't either. When I get sad, I can't push him away because he's still here to help me through that sadness.

Retail Therapy - Doesn't help
Drinking - doesn't help
What can I try next?! Let's go to Disney World!!