Ho Hum....

I'm in a mood tonight.
A rather foul mood actually.

I cried today at work for the first time in a long time.

Then I cried when I got home.

You know what it is?  Or what I think it is?  Friday is our 2 month anniversary.  I hate anniversaries.  I hate anniversaries like I thought I hated cemeteries.  What?

I told Nicolas that I wouldn't spend time at the cemetery.  It's a lie.  The first time I went there I felt such peace that I just can't wait to go again, hopefully on Friday. 

I say that I don't care about anniversaries, because really they are just another day without Nic, but truth be told, I hate anniversaries. 

Today I was in a public place and a "Dana and Nic" song came on.  I know - we had a TON of songs.  It's hard to find a song that isn't a "Dana and Nic" song.  But this particular song reminded me of Nic's goofiness.  Just stop reading for a second - well, not right now, but after reading this part...close your eyes and picture goofy Nic.  Ok - NOW. 

Now, start reading again...doesn't it make you laugh, cry, smile and ache all over?  He was such a goof ball.  I see him dancing.  That funny little shimmy he did, his hands up in the air.  Looking up and to the right, like he was looking for dance moves.  And singing.  Wa oh, wa oh, stuck like glue, you and me baby we are stuck like glue.  I see his smile.  His eyes sparkle....

I hold my breath and count...I try to live in that memory and enjoy it...but today it just hurts too much.  I just miss him sooo much.  I just hate trying to hold it all together.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards, instead of forwards. 

Tonight Eleanor was singing a song about Emma.  I asked Eleanor where Emma was.  She sat for a second, thought, and responded, Emma's mommy's house.  I told Eleanor that I missed Emma very much and that we needed to see her soon (I need a big, fat, huge, Emma hug right now). 

Then I asked Eleanor where Daddy was.  She sat for a second and thought, and responded, Daddy Dance Party.  Hmmmmm, interesting.  I smiled and I said that I missed Daddy very much. I then kissed her and said, Do you know Daddy loves you?  She said, yeah.  Good. 

So, Daddy's at a dance party, according to my two year old.  Probably doing that goofy, funny dance.  And if that comment and that mental image don't make you smile...then I'm just not sure what will...Even if the tears are still streaming down your face, like they are on mine.