Even the wine isn't helping

To say I had a bad day would be an understatement. You don't expect much from a day that starts with OSHA showing up at your place of employment and ends with your kitten being taken to a new home. (Ha, I just forgot...my day actually started with my mom texting me about writing a will (I know, I know, thanks for the reminder mom!) and actually ended with my sister calling me to remind me about the same thing! I think my family is worried about my driving abilities and getting my family to and from Alabama safely!)


Anywho, It's the stuff that's in the middle that really sucks. Look to your right. Do you see that link for "Head Rush". If you have never clicked on that link, click on it. Be introduced to Chris Funk. I learned about Chris Funk in December of 2008. His mother-in-law (I think) works with my dad. Chris Funk was diagnosed with a Brain Tumor shortly after he married Brandi Funk. They were pregnant with their first daughter. When I heard his story (in the waiting room of my husband's 3rd brain surgery, 9 months pregnant) I couldn't help but link our two stories. I e-mailed the Funks right away and told them how inspirational their story was. I have followed Chris' story very closely over the last year and a half (Chris has a CaringBridge Journal that I get updates to :)The similarities are uncanny. Chris is just a TREMENDOUS fighter. He never ever gave up. He and his wife are parents to two beautiful girls and they continue to take each day at a time. Chris also has the same team of doctors at UW Hospital. Ian and Menesh. One day I saw Chris at UW. He and Nic were both going through Avastin. I felt like I saw a star. This man, I have never ever met has been such an inspiration to me (did I say that?). The Funks keep getting knocked down and they keep getting back up again. I feel like they always had a positive outcome to their setback.


However, every time I received an e-mail that the Journal had an update, my heart stopped. What if this was the entry that said Chris had taken a turn for the worse. Sure enough, each time I read it, Chris had overcome another obstacle and was standing tall. Until today.


Chris' most recent MRI shows cancer progression beyond any sort of treatment. The Avastin has not kept the growth at bay and the cycles of radiation didn't stop the spreading. Dr. Robins and Dr. Mehta had to tell Brandi that the only options were highly toxic and may not work. They suggested...Hospice.


I'm numb. I felt the cry raise in my throat. I ran to my office door, slammed it shut and sobbed. Loud gasping sobs. I called the only person that could help me at a time like this. My mother. This, I screamed, is why I don't get my hopes up. I don't want someone taking away my hope. Chris is what made me think we could beat all the odds. Stupid Cancer. Stupid Tumors. They won again and here we are. 2 months ago, it seemed like Chris was winning and then this. Blindsided.


I don't feel like talking to Nic about it. Maybe he'll read this and most likely he won't. But for now, I don't want to tell him. Maybe this is my chicken way...hoping he'll read my blog (for the first time ever). 12 hours ago I was so hopeful and now I just had reality hit me in the head.


That being said...Nic and I, just like Brandi and Chris, know where we will end up. We don't know when we will get there or how it will happen, but we know were we are going. So like Chris and Brandi we need to cherish every moment together. Thank the Lord for what we have today. Someday, it's going to happen. It will happen to each and every one of us. But when it does happen, I want to say, No regrets. I'm not going to give up hope. Even hospice doesn't mean giving up hope. But I do feel sad. And I do feel mad. And I do feel bad. I do feel like I am going to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and dream wonderful dreams. Then I am going to wake up and start a new day and Nic is going to be by my side. And I am not going to care about the next day or the next. I am just going to be happy for the day I have.


I'm going to bed now...tomorrow is another day.