Nic's dirty little secret

My husband had a dirty secret.  I knew about it...but I never knew just how bad it was.

Yup...Nic liked WIRE HANGERS.

And how did I really discover this?  I mean, how did I discover just how bad it really was?  Well...I packed up all his stuff - that's how.  Cathartic?  I don't know.  But it's done. 

You see...I've been having a REALLY hard time.  Harder than October 2010, hard.  Harder than January 2011, hard.  And, believe it or not, harder than February 22 and February 23 hard.  My inlaws came to watch Eleanor on Monday and do you know what I thought?  I thought, I can't wait to see them, because they are bringing Nic back home.  How effed up is that?  Yup.  I actually thought it.  I thought about turning the corner of my road and seeing Nic in the driveway.  I thought about stopping the car and running up to him and embracing him and kissing him and saying, "You will never believe the crazy daydream I had.  I dreamed you were dead."

And then I came back to reality and I thought, "Uh-oh".  Looks like I've gone to the other side.  Looks like I've hit...DENIAL....

And I realized.  I'm living my life, waiting for him.  Living my life, expecting him to come back into it.  And that's not fair to me.  And that's not fair to Eleanor.  And it's driving Nic nuts!!

And if I don't talk about him every day.  That doesn't mean I've forgotten.  And if I don't...whatever...My tribute to Nic is living my life.  Waking up every day.  Going to work.  FOCUSING on work.  Kicking ass at my job.  Raising a beautiful daughter.  Sometimes messing up.  Sometimes doing things wrong.  I keep feeling like if I don't talk about him, if I don't involve him in my every minute, then he's gone.  But he's not.  I am a totally different person than I was before Nicolas.  He changed me.  My every breath is a tribute to him. 

And I don't need a closet full of his clothes to remind me of that.

I don't need a 99.9% empty tube of deodorant to remind me of that. 

And I don't need a ring on my finger to remind me of that. 

That little ache in my heart, that flutter when I think of something that makes me sad.  That's Nic.

That one tear that rolls down my cheek when someone tells me a story about him.  That's Nic.

That pause when I remember an inside joke, that now only I understand.  That's Nic. 

That smile on my face.  That's Nic. 

And you all know that.  You all know that I will never forget him.  I will never replace him.  And now I really need to know that. 

Because this life.  And the things I'm going to do in it.  That I have yet to do.  That's Nic.  We loved each other so much and so hard in our 8 years together, that I would have enough love to last me a life time without him.

So, if I TRULY want to honor, remember and love my husband, for all my life.  Till death US do part, then I will get off this pity pot.  I will stop crying ALL the time, the minute I am alone, and I will live life.  Hard.  To the fullest.  And I will sleep at night from exhaustion of living.  Not from exhaustion of hating to live.  And I will dream the most wonderful beautiful dreams of him.  AND THAT, my friends, THAT is Nic's legacy.