Today

Do you know what today is?
It's one more day that my husband has been dead.
It's one more day without Nic
One more day without a hug.
Without a kiss.
A smile.

One more day of someone saying something to me without thinking.
Without realizing how much it still hurts.
How much I pretend.
I fake it.

It's probably one more night of crying myself to sleep.

It's one more day of telling myself to breathe.  Telling myself I am going to be OK.
Believing that it's all bullshit.

It's one more day of looking at a picture and being so in love with the man in the picture that you can't possibly imagine he's gone.  You pretend he's coming home.  That picture is real.  It has to be real.  That moment happened - right?  That happiness existed - right? Staring at a picture wanting him to jump through it. 

It's one more day of not believing that pain like this exists. 

Do you know what today was?
It was one more day with my Eleanor. 
It was one more afternoon of laughs and screeches.
Temper tantrums and tears.
Cute sayings.  Hysterical comments.

It was one more day of her kisses and hugs.
Reading stories.

It was one more night of tucking her in before I go to sleep and listening to her sweet sweet breathing. 
One more night of rubbing her sleepy warm back.

Do you know what tomorrow is?

Tomorrow is a new day.