Random ramblings

There is a point in the night when you look around your house and think, it's just too messy.  It's just not going to get any cleaner tonight.  I surrender.  I give up. 

However, it's when you realize you are talking about your life and not your house, that you really think, yup, I should just call it a night. 

Last week was a really tough week for me, and while I had a great weekend, I'm really struggling with a new level of sadness.

I want someone to get it.  And I know everyone gets it on their own level. But I want you to get it on my level.  I want you to really realize what I lost.  Who this world lost.  Every day, every memory, I remember what an absolutely amazing man he was.  The type of man people aspire to be.  The type of man some people will never be, and I had him.  He was in my every day life.  That smile on my face - he was the reason.  That volume in my laugh - he was the reason.  And now that ache in my heart, that ache that won't go away - he is the reason. 

I'm so mad lately and that's a really hard thing to deal with.  I'm sad that I have so much to say and that I can't share it with him.  All that little shit.  I got stuck in traffic the other day and I was SO crabby.  I picked up my phone because I was going to call him.  I was going to complain that I was in traffic - in Grafton - of all places!!  But he wasn't there to call. Who else could I call that would really understand how much traffic - and the stupid person that caused the traffic - bothers me.  He was me.  He got me.  And it's so incredibly lonely to not have that one person to share your life with.

Guys, I get it.  I have many other people.  Above all else, I have Baby E.  But...but...but.  I don't have him and nothing else is the same.  And I don't want to be sad.  I don't want to be the downer.  I don't.  And I know it won't last forever, but I just can't imagine feeling this empty forever. 

And I guess that's all I have to say about that right now.
And, my house really is messy.